i went to carnival on friday. i had to help out in the morning with the kids. i didn’t think this would be too bad. but it turned out to be a living hell, completely validating my hatred for children. first, it was absolutely freezing. everyone was cold. it was dark, cloudy, and windy as fuck. we decided to all gather in a huge circle to keep warm. it worked quite well and resulted in a few memorable moments. that was fun. then, after about forty minutes of waiting for the kids to arrive, they show up. trisha and me were partners to look after these brats. it didn’t seem so bad at first, except for one brown girl who thought she was the shit. well, she was a little shit. anyway, then we had to get more kids, so a group of five boys joined us. one of them didn’t want to join our group so he starts crying. but it wasn’t the ‘awww, poor guy’ kind of crying. it was the ‘let’s beat the shit out of this kid’ kind of crying. already i didn’t like these kids or their attitudes.

we had to take them to get food first. so the crying bastard says ‘this sucks, i don’t want food. i’m not hungry. i don’t want to be here.’ i just told him to leave, because i didn’t want him there either. but he didn’t, probably because he was too much of a pussy. so they get hot dogs and pop to drink, and the crying bastard says ‘pop? why don’t they have beer? i want beer.’ normally i’d commend this kid, but he was just too much of an asshole. then this obnoxious brown kid starts dropping his garbage everywhere. i just looked at him and he says ‘i did that. that was me’ all proud of himself. so stupid. i hated them all. then we took them on the various rides. on one of them the crying bastard started crying again because he couldn’t be on the ride fast enough. then he didn’t want to go with the person who he was paired with because it was that kids fault. oy. it was one hell of a day. i just rode it out, trying to ignore them the best i could.

the rest of the day was spent having fun watching people drunk and dunk(ed). brett and terry were fun to be around because they’d just finished drinking. i was going to buy a goldfish, but then i realized that i had nowhere to put it at home.

when i got home, me and my mom had this huge long discussion of when and where i’m going to the basement. i don’t think i’ll have enough space. but we’ll work something out. during this conversation is when i realized that i’m at the point in my life when everything’s changing. a year from now i’m going to be living by myself, fending for myself, being able to do anything i want. it really scares me. i’m not ready for independence. but i do need it. otherwise i’ll be completely useless as a person. or more so. i just can’t picture myself five years from now. i have NO idea what’s going to be going on. and my parents are going to move within in the next year. so i won’t even have to comfort of home. but yeah, i’m scared and worried, and undecided.

i probably spelled that wrong, but oh well. i hate it when you’re with someone and it’s completely quiet. it’s usually my fault too, because i could easily fix the awkwardness that i feel by *gasp* talking. the reason why it’s quiet in the first place is because i can’t think of anything to say. that’s my rant on that.

i have so much work to do in the next two weeks. isu’s, presentations, essays, tests, and exams. plus one weekend i’m going camping in buffalo (yay), which means i have two less days to do some work. hmmm. . . at that point it would be english. which i can’t do this weekend anyway because i don’t have my essay back. this is all just pointless rambling because you don’t even know which essay i’m talking about. unless you’re nina or iljya, then you will. hah.

i think after this school year is over, my life will *hopefully* fall more into place. i would like to have a better idea of what i’m doing or where i’m going when i’m done high school. some sort of performance school or university. if i’m really lucky i’ll be able to drop out of school due to my winning of the mississauga idol competition. the way i see it, i’ve got a pretty good chance. the first auditions are on my birthday and i’m competitor number 13, which is my lucky number. i think those are pretty good signs.

i was thinking about mystery stories today. i hate the ones where you can never possibly figure it out because the solution is some rare information that only a select few would know before ever reading the book. you know the ones. they piss me off. there’s no fun in not knowing anything. it makes the whole book pointless. all the clues would go right over your head, the red herring would be the only solution you could see until they stated that he had some rare disease from a trip to africa that they mentioned only once before in the book. yea. mysterioso my ass. write something EVERYONE can figure out.

there’s nothing like hanging out with good friends while listening to possibly the best Raffi song ever. boopadoobadoo ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone. my cellular bananular phone. . . hahahaha. that song is too good. and all the great jokes that go along with it. it’ll be stuck in your head for years to come. i’ll call for pizza, i’ll call my cat. there’s also the hilarious flash toon on newgrounds.com entitled Banana Phone. here’s the link: banana phone. it’s what started this whole saga. it feels good to be able to be stupid and just completely nonsensical. for example, jesus was obviously a dinosaur. the land before time was a remake of the bible. littlefoot was moses, spike was john the baptist, and petri was the almighty jesus. it all makes sense. i’m glad that i have friends i can be stupid with. then after listening to banana phone for hours, we played myst III: Exile. yes, we’re stupid and nerdy. but it’s so much fun. letting go of seriousness and stress etc. is the best thing for you. i was reading some of my old yearbooks today from grade 7. things have changed A LOT. i’ve changed a lot too. mostly just physically. but a little bit in my mentality too. i had really low self-esteem back then. even lower than now, which is hard to believe. this long weekend was good, i had a lot of fun. i feel bad for moni though. i’m all over the place for this entry. oh well, it’s my blog. i’m going to go play tennis. yay! (banana phone) here’s the link: banana phone

i was with jeff’s family today, and i (of course) started thinking. i’m not sure that people actually know me. and it has nothing to do with them. it’s entirely my “fault”. i never choose to show all of my sides to people. but i have this constant need for people to connect with me. at the same time i hate it when people can tell what’s going on in my head. unless it’s someone i like. then it’s a cool bond we share. but if it’s anyone else, i hate it. maybe it’s just because i’m not really sure who i am. i always have conflicting sides, and i’m never sure what my opinions on things are. yet again, at the same time, i’m very open and blunt with my opinions. now i worry that i don’t let important people into my life. or i keep certain sections to myself and don’t let them into them. but i do want people to know the entire me. you’d have to know me for a really long time to see all of those different sides. and then you’d have to like them. honestly like and appreciate all of them. i know that’s impossible. maybe it’s not. if i can do it, i guess it’s not. it’s hard to be completely honest with people sometimes. there are things that you just can’t say. i’d like to say them, but the person that i’m saying them to probably wouldn’t appreciate it. just as a side topic, i hate that you can’t express true interest in instant messages. i’m sure i always seem so unenthusiastic, when really i’m entertained and quite ecstatic that the person is talking to me (most of the time). it’s easier to write complete honesty than it is to say it. that’s probably why i write. anyway, i’m boring myself.

the hokey pokey’s what it’s all about. that IS what it’s all about. it’s IN the song. how could you be misled by that? as for the topic of snow white and the dwarfs: obviously it was just seven regular guys and snow white was fourteen feet tall. seven guys and a giant. it’s like three men and a baby, but with magic and talking animals. russian people are funny. had a lot of crazy conversations with people while being wasted off my ass thanks to playing high/low with a bunch of crazy russian guys. five straight shots of vodka in 30 mins gets me pretty drunk. then i went to jeff’s and fell asleep. and then i woke up and had a nice spliff. had a few more crazy conversations, and then fell asleep. and that was my night in a nutshell. i saw shrek 2 today. it was alright. entertaining for a couple of hours. i don’t really have much more to say. everything’s good.

i don’t really have anything to say. tonight i’m going to a party. i’ll let you know how it goes. i do intend to get drunk. i’d get high too, but no one else there really does that. so no tripped out adventures for me tonight. we had to write an exam in writer’s craft. i am so utterly bored. well, actually i’m just restless. i’m glad i’m going to this party. it’ll be good to hang out with a different crowd. it should be fun. i like iljya’s house. he has a lot of entertaiment in it. i think that’s just the way it’s made though. it’s really open. now i’m just writing for no reason. sean’s watching tv, i’m doing this and listening to music out loud, and jeff’s playing the guitar. it’s pretty funny actually. well, i guess that’s it really. i’ll post later tonight. or tomorrow, depending on how you look at it.