obliviously obvious

i’m now at home by myself. there’s nothing i enjoy more than being home alone. i also remembered that i had a lot more compliments today. someone said they liked my shirt. it’s the union jack but the background is white instead of blue, so all of the colours are inversed accordingly. to tie into the blue which is in my shirt, i decided to wear blue eyeliner and blue mascara. i also received compliments on this. a few nights ago i also dyed my hair black (again) and i have been receiving compliments on that also. so, it’s been a pretty self-esteem boosting day. while i was walking to the bus, i had the oddest recollection of new school supplies smell. i really like that smell. i was going to rant about the bus and how i hate having to take it etc. but i decided not to, because honestly, it’s not that bad. on my way into my building, i caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the glass of the doors. it turns out i was wrong about this being a fat outfit. the pattern on the shirt pulls in my waist and emphasizes my bust, therefore giving me a pleasant hourglass figure. i say pleasant meaning not too hippy of an hourglass. and now i have nothing to do. i would really like to see jeff tonight. or at least talk to him. i digress, and publish this blog.

i’m posting this at school, so i don’t have much time. in fact i have approximately 6 mins left. today, a very nice person, asked me if i had lost weight. this was quite a compliment for me, as i always believe i need to lose weight. this morning i actually thought that this outfit made me look fat. oh no. if they think that i look thin in this oufit, how fat do i usually look? ok, see what i mean? i always think i look fat. and i’m now turning a compliment into a comment of me usually looking fatter. the shirt i’m wearing is pretty tight, but it’s uber stretchy, so you can still see the fat around my mid-section pretty clearly. i have this goal to lose weight by june. that’s 2 weeks away. i could lose like 5 pounds maybe. that’s not enough for how i want to look though. it’s not that i’m not happy with what i have. it’s just that i know i could be so much better. i used to be. anyway, to home i go.

so it’s been one week since i started this blog. i’ve been pretty good at writing everyday which i’m surprised at. today i was so tired. i slept from 6:30 until now. (look at time of post-10 mins). i haven’t been sleeping very well. i went to bed early a couple nights ago. but i woke up at 6:48am anyways. that was pretty annoying. but now i’ve probably completely screwed any sort of normal sleeping habits i might have had. i had no compelling or outstanding thoughts today about the world or anything. i guess i was too tired. it’s may 24 this weekend and no one’s having a party. i haven’t even talked to jeff in 2 days. i miss him. lousey complete and utter dependence. it screws you over i tell you. but it’s fine with me. yay for one week.

today i realized why i’m not religious. i don’t need anymore confusion in my life. there’s already too many things that i think about all the time. i don’t really need to be worried about if i’m in the right religion or if i’m being a good enough person. a lot of people probably see religion as some sort of relief. but i don’t find comfort in not knowing what’s really going on. i’m not happy that i don’t know why we’re here. why would i want to be involved with something that just asks more questions? that’s also why i’m selfish. there are so many people out there, and the only thing that i can control is me. so i have to cater to my needs, and hope that they don’t interfere in other people’s lives too much. i went into a whole circular train of thought today. we were watching a film in law class about corporations. everything’s about money and power. and it’s all just so stupid and futile. our standard of living keeps rising while people are dying. don’t get me wrong. if i could be a multi-millionaire, i’d be one in a second. and it’s not that i care that those people are dying. i kind of do, but not really. my point (i guess i have a point, but that’s not what it is really) is that this is all we have. the only way to survive in this world is to make lots of money. any other way and it doesn’t matter what you do, or who you are. not like any of what i’m saying is new. everyone knows this already. it’s such a dead end. i really would’ve killed myself by now if i wasn’t so afraid of death. the only reason why you do anything is for money. you go to school so you can get a good job, and then make lots of money. you make lots of money so you can pay to get that car you want. and that money goes to the guy selling you the car. and then he spends his money on a golf club membership. so maybe he can impress some people. so he can feel that he has some self-worth. and if you don’t get a good job and make lots of money, then you work some crappy job. people look down on you for not graduating high school and trying to impress someone else. ugh. i think you get what i’m saying. it’s all stupid. and we all know it. but we can’t do anything because that’s all there is. it’s sickening. i know that was melodramatic, but i really don’t care. maybe if i was getting paid i would. hah.

when do we grow out of our “hate everything” phase? today in writer’s craft, we were supposed to write a fairy tale. i immediately thought “i can’t write fairy tales anymore. that’s weird. i used to be able to. i used to write them all the time when i was litte. but my mindset hasn’t changed. or has it?” well, my mindset hasn’t changed. back then i just didn’t REALIZE what i was feeling was contempt. as for growing out of it, or maturing, that’s a bunch of bull as well. after a while, life just wears you down. people stop complaining or thinking that life blows because they have other things to think about. either that or the truly strong people get tired of it, and learn to accept everything. actual acceptance. that’s a concept for you. so the choices are getting worn down or accepting things as they are. maybe they’re really the same thing. i know that right now i’m in the phase that “adults” would call “teenage angst”. the ups and downs because of hormones, changes, whatever else you can throw in as an excuse to why teens refuse to lay down to the rat race. i’ve seen it happen to my friends already though. they’ve already given up. they’ve stopped resisting. they’ve been held under the water too long, and it’s all they can do just to get enough reason to fight to the top and live. most of them are just floating, letting themselves drift with everyone else. but why not? why bother putting yourself through hard times, pain, and discomfort for a small piece of enlightenment? besides, most people are better off not thinking this way. they’re happier. ignorance IS bliss. that’s what i’ve found in my almost 18 years of life. why do people think that just because you’ve lived longer, you know more? i’m not saying i know everything. but i think i’ve pretty much figured out what life is all about. there aren’t going to be anymore experiences that are going to “open my eyes”. but that’s just the way i see it.

they say that talking to oneself is the first sign of insanity. if that’s the case, dear lord, lock me up! every day i have many conversations with me. today i actually asked myself if anyone else found something ironic. none of the other mes did. yes that’s right. the other mes. there were two that answered back. so basically, i’m always talking to myself. full fledged conversations where other parts of me have different opinions. should i be scared? maybe other people around me should be. anyway, you know what a funny word is? stanima. i don’t know why, but it’s so hilarious. everyone else is going to be like “that’s not funny”. but i think it’s funny. well, that’s all i have to say right now. oh. i watched jeff play hockey today. but he was playing as a player instead of a goalie. i don’t really know how to assess the playing, but he looked pretty good. it wasn’t that bad of a game actually. obee played in net. he did a damn good job too. his girlfriend was there, so her and me discussed the game and other things. it was fun. ok, i guess now i’m done.