obliviously obvious

things are meh. i’m having a shindig type deal tonight. it’s at sean’s place, so if you want to drop by, go right ahead. it’s a bbq/pool party. it should be alright, although i don’t know how many people are showing up. i don’t know if i want to go swimming. i think i’m too fat to be in a swimsuit. i’ve been told otherwise, but i know better. so we’ll see. i feel really down, but i think i’m just tired. i haven’t eaten all day either. yep, i’m an idiot. i finally got gifts for people. it’s good to have that out of the way. now i’m going to eat. i really want to be happy tonight. :) maybe that will help. so far, no. oh well. here we go.

low days really suck ass. those days when things just suck. i’m having one of those days. things just aren’t going my way. and by the way i didn’t make it for mississauga idol. i didn’t deserve it anyway. i don’t really deserve anything. but i’m sure you don’t want to read one of my endless rants on how much i hate myself and so on. just in case you don’t know, i hate myself. with good reason i think. there’s nothing to like really. well, i guess that’s it. i’ll go kill myself or something. nah. i don’t have the guts to do that. and yet another reason to hate me.

what can i say? it was a fun time. not incredible or anything, but good nonetheless. i think i made somewhat of an impression with my dress. the best reaction was salma’s. it’s always good when people say that they didn’t even know it was you. i thought trisha was gorgeous. i was just blown away by that oufit. she looked SO good. wow! what made the night for me though, was jeff being there. that’s what made it great for me. i guess last year’s prom was more my prom. it felt more final and i actually cared. don’t get me wrong. i do care about people that were there. but on the whole, most people at prom were idiots. i didn’t even vote for prom king and queen because i just didn’t care. i would’ve voted for kathy and iljya because they’re the only ones that i liked on the list.

after party wasn’t as good either because everyone was separated. a lot of people had to go home. people went to jonny’s (sp?) but apparently it was all groups there too. so i didn’t miss out on much. i went to sean’s with the intent to swim, but it was too cold. then we went to jeff’s with the intent to hot tub, but it was too late. trisha and sean came with us though, so that was fun.

all in all, a good time was had. not the most memorable, spectacular, or significant night of my life, but a good time. maybe it’s my fault that i didn’t care about those people. do i regret not being their friends in the long run? not a chance in hell! those fuckers can stay out of my life for as long as possible. now i’m here at home with jeff, doing nothing. i’ll update when something happens.

i hate making decisions. things are stupid. yes, that’s right. things. maybe i’m just in a bad mood. maybe i should just wait it out. but i feel like i’m doing that all the time. blah. doing stuff blows. i think it’s time for a talk. yes. a talk will do me good. this is stupid. i hate it. i shouldn’t feel this way. but it’s more than just that.

i know i already wrote a grad thingy. but i can’t help but feel SO sentimental this week. i guess it doesn’t help that i’ve been watching old, emotional episodes of buffy. come on, you know you love it. that series was great. it holds so many memories. i can remember exactly what i was doing at certain points in each season. it’s almost eerie. i miss that show.

i should be sleeping. but i can’t face just laying there with my thoughts. it’s too lonely. oh god how i miss yesteryear. there’s been a dinginess surrounding me for the past, i don’t know, month. maybe i’m just in a confusing time of my life. there are all these connections from the past coming back. the future is right there, and i can’t take the two of them together. it doesn’t make sense. it should make it easier. but it’s something i don’t want it to be. i want it to be the past. not a new future with past elements. i’m not afraid of change. it’s not even the fact that things were easier back then. maybe it’s because i have no idea what’s coming. so i’m holding myself back. reminiscing about the good old times, and clawing at the ground heading into nothing.

*hold on to the memory, it’s all you’ve got*

i’m another year older. eighteen isn’t really that old. and you can’t really do anything special, except for vote and buy porn. i’ll be doing one of the two hopefully. guess which one. i didn’t really do anything special for my birthday. i sat at home and talked with my mom about nothing all day. on saturday i went to sean’s house and just did nothing with jeff, sean, and fisher. it was good. it was fun. i got a lot of presents. more than i was expecting. but they were all great, despite my reactions. i was just surprised because i didn’t expect the gifts i got from those people. i’m very thankful and happy.

right now there is a killer storm happening. the lightning is great. it’s a great night for driving. i love driving in storms at night. kissing in the rain is great too. actually being in the rain would be cool too, but then you’d be all wet. being wet in your clothes isn’t as cool as it seems. but this storm is truly awesome.

i’ll probably have some sort of party for my birthday. it’ll be sometime next week, because this one is very busy. ooh. i can phone and leave a message to my blog now. so i don’t have to be at a computer. too bad they came up with this AFTER the camping trip. i don’t know if i’m still going to write about that. actually, i promise i will write about it tomorrow, which is actually today. i’ll be home by noon, so i’ll have lots of free time to write it. now, seeing as i have an exam tomorrow, i’m going to bed.