i don’t know what’s going on. i just want a response, something to let me know if he knows. i can’t go on empty hellos, and faceless goodbyes. what the fuck is happening? why isn’t anything happening? why isn’t he trying? and if he doesn’t want to try, fucking end it. right now, what i’m getting is that he doesn’t want to put any effort into making me feel better or even to try and support his position. or maybe he has no idea about these posts and he thinks everything’s fine. i don’t know, i can’t tell. i don’t have the energy to play these kind of games. i just want to know the situation. here’s the thing. i shouldn’t have to go to him. this isn’t a power thing or anything like that. if he cared enough, he’d want to fix things. fuck, i’m the one who’s mad and i want to go to him so badly and just give in, just so things will be alright. shouldn’t he feel like that too? ok, i can’t assume he’s read it. this is killing me inside. i don’t want to say to him, ‘oh, by the way, did you read that post from two days ago?’ and if he hasn’t tell him to. i don’t want to do that. so i guess i’ll just wait.

what a bitch. it only took 30 seconds. and so it begins.

i woke up at 11pm yesterday night. i haven’t slept since. i’m supposed to go somewhere tonight, but i really don’t feel like it right now. i was supposed to go out for dinner too, but i’m not hungry anymore. which is funny, because i was starving about 5 minutes ago. that’s what anger and disappointment do to a person. to a decent person at least. honestly, i’m really mad. maybe part of it has to do with the tiredness. or maybe he’s just an ass. the latter. that’s such a selfish thing to do. i had no idea he could be that way and be so stubborn about it. what a fucking jerk. some might think it’s a bad idea to post all this, but i need to have this written so i can remember just exactly what he can be like. also so i know how mad i can get. he’s probably going to be mad at me for this too. but fuck that shit. i have a fucking right to be mad. he’s probably not even going to try and do anything to fix it either because, of course, he thinks he’s right. i don’t know what upsets me more. he won’t do it for me or him. way to show that you really care. that’s such a shitty thing to do. he probably won’t even talk to me about it. it makes me feel so damn worthless. he can’t even spare less than 2 fucking hours just to support me. he’s thinking of himself more than me. what the fuck is that? that’s such bullshit. how can he say that he cares and then pull this kind of shit.

i guess i’m more hurt than i thought. maybe it just validates all these feelings that i’ve had. like i care more about him than he does for me. like i’m just a side token that can be thrown aside at his will. this is way more open then i originally intended it to be. we’ll see if anything happens from it. i’m in it now.

jeff’s party was fantastic. i got pretty wasted. i tried to watch ‘the girl next door’ but it was way beyond my comprehension at the time. that’s uber sad, i know, but it’s the truth. or maybe it didn’t make any sense just because it was a terrible movie that didn’t make any sense. i’ll go with that one. it’s a much more valid reason and it makes me feel better. all in all, it was a kickass party that was a great way to end the summer.

i’ve successfully changed my sleeping routine back to vampire mode. it bothers me, but i haven’t been able to sleep for more than four hours at a time, unless i’m exhausted. sidenote: i HATE friends. and all you people that like it, i’m sorry you don’t have the mental capacity to realize how incredibly imbecilic and mindless it is. i want to start sleeping at night so i can do stuff during the day. like go shopping for birthday presents.

i still need to find out what sean wants. i’m pretty sure i know what to get my mom and jeff, it’s just a matter of actually getting those things now. i really like giving gifts to people. before i used to be a taker, but i’m definitely more of a giver now. i had a dream that i only had nine dollars left in my bank account. that would completely dash my dreams of buying people presents.

romantic comedies are stupid, i know, but i enjoy watching them just because i miss that feeling. those moments when you know that he really, really likes you. oh yeah, that’s great. i watched ‘equilibrium’ too. that was a really interesting film, and that puppy was so cute. from now on i’ll write more often. i had some interesting things to say at various times, but because i didn’t write when i thought about it, i can’t remember what they were. oh well. i hate the gap too. now, off to watch the simpsons.

it’s been quite a long time since i last posted. i’ve been quite happy for the last week though, surprisingly. i got the quality time i so badly needed. i realized that if i’m away from jeff for long periods of time, i get very moody. moody and distant. he balances me out, i suppose. last friday i was upset by certain situations, but all parties involved (with the exception of one) seem to be handling it well. it’s just a stupid decision that’s being used to gain leverage. i feel that none of us need to be falling apart over this. wallowing does nothing. get out of this rut and live your life. not as some depression junkie, but as the person who we all know and miss.

had some late night swimming escapades. at one of them i saw an old friend. it was funny just because i haven’t spoken to him in so long. we all had a fun night too, so that was good. later, jeff had to measure his pool to see if he could swim 200 metres in under five minutes. we figured he probably could. his party is this saturday. it should kick ass. there’s nothing better than friends, alcohol, swimming, hot tub, and good times. although, the alcohol will hopefully come after swimming and hot tub, as that could be a dangerous combination. or an extremely awesome combination. no, definitely the former.

i went shopping today for birthday presents. i only got a card for my mom. jeff was no help with ideas on what to get him. his best and only idea was “shirts”. i’ll get him something nice. i had other things to buy too, but i forgot about them until right now. i’ll buy them later. i got the newest tea party cd. i haven’t listened to it yet, but it should be exceptional. or maybe . . . i’ll have to see about that. i’m sick of doing that though. now i want ice cream. i won’t be happy until i get some.

you know that feeling you get after you’ve been beaten up? or when someone breaks up with you? or just when you’re really, really sick? it’s like a complete numbness. you don’t know what to do with yourself or even what to think. you just let everything pass you by, and you hope for the best. you don’t care about anything, and all of your problems seem trivial in comparison to what happened. that’s the feeling i have right now. i’m just numb. i thought friday the thirteenth was supposed to be my lucky day. apparently not. why does everything have to be happening now? couldn’t life (that stupid bitch) just space things out, even a tiny bit? i’m thankful that my situation isn’t any worse. justice is bullshit. society is a fucking lie. why aren’t time machines real? there are so many things i’d go back and fix. maybe i’d start with my birth. damn time paradoxes, fucking me over so easily. all i want is this to be over. again, it’s a transitional period. i don’t care about the punishment etc. i just want to get to that point. at least that way i can’t get screwed up the ass anymore. fuck.

i can’t wait to see what happens next. i can only imagine what wonderful moments of delight life has planned for us all. me in particular. what a stupid bitch. i’m so mad. i’ve gone from numb to angry. that’s a good thing, really it is. i should become a lawyer just so i can bring the system down from the inside. that would be too sweet. or maybe that’s why it’s so bad in the first place. fucking people in this world. all they ever think about is themselves. honsetly, what does this mean to any of the people who are involved? nothing. they don’t get a pay raise, or any sort of emotional satisfaction. they’re just assholes. plain and simple. go do some actual work that needs to be done. FUCK. i hate this.