obliviously obvious

when someone says something that bothers me and i don’t say anything back, it makes me angry. i’m angry in a frustrated kind of way though. it’s definitely more frustration than actual anger. i get mad when people hurt me too. i guess that’s pretty basic. although i suppose most people just get hurt, not angry. yea, i’m pissed right now. it’s a build up of all of the things i mentioned mixed with my own thoughts. is it really that hard to be different once in a while? i completely stopped. is that hard to just give me that once in a while? people are so stubborn too. just because you see everything in one light, doesn’t mean that’s the way everyone else is. yours was the same as mine, but of course yours wasn’t actually. it was the other person’s fault, naturally. the stupidity.

this whole ‘being wanted’ complex is a fucking pain in the ass. it’s screwing with my head. it’s part of the reason as to why i’m so pissed right now. fuck. there’s nothing i can do. so i’ll sit here and boil away to nothing. maybe i’ll sleep it off. i need some quality time. and i need to open up more, and trust. it’s not that i don’t have trust, my brain just thinks things. mostly because of the whole complex thing, and other insecurities. bah. i’m at a loss for words.

you guessed it. i went to square one today. i actually did have shopping to do (three birthdays in a row is killer) but i ended up just talking to paula and trisha about stuff. we bought some things from shoppers drug mart for trisha’s mom, and then got some ice cream. we sat down to eat it and never got up again until we decided to leave. it’s great to just get thoughts out there and work things out. having someone other than yourself to discuss something with is a great advantage. an advantage i don’t usually have. i have plenty of people to talk to, but they know it all already. plus they see things the same way i do, so it’s not really different at all. it was a good day. i hope we can still have chats like that in the future.

i also watched clueless today. boo to you. i know what you’re thinking, but i like that movie. it’s funny and it’s the epitome of the 90s. the relationship between josh and cher is so classic too. i absolutely love that moment where they kiss on the stairs for the first time. it’s so hopelessly romantic. i make myself want to gag. that’s one of the best parts of relationships. right before you actually make it official, and you both know that you like each other, and he says all these nice things about you. it’s not so much the chase, but the part right after the chase. you know it will happen eventually. i guess it’s committed flirting? i don’t know what it is, but it’s frigging great. i miss that feeling. i miss a lot of things all the times. days seem so much longer when you’re alone.

i have a lot that i want to write, but i don’t know if i’ll actually get around to writing about it all. thinking about everything is too taxing. so i’ll just stick to one thing for now. i hate it when i feel like someone is mad at me. that’s not entirely true. i think it’s if i don’t want them to be mad at me. that sounds stupid, but sometimes i don’t mind people being mad at me. it’s hard to explain. maybe it’s only people that i care about. no, wait, there is a difference. people don’t usually get mad at me, they get mad at something i say, or at my opinion on something. now i understand. i don’t like it when people are mad at me. it comes down to that whole being wanted thing again. when people are mad at you, they don’t want you there, or near them, or at all. given my complex, this would definitely drive me insane. at the same time, i push people into being mad at me. that must be some controlling thing i have, that i haven’t figured out yet. when someone’s mad at me, i become bitter and moody. this leads to more people being mad at me. damn those vicious circles.

for some reason, i figured out a lot of things about myself this weekend. i don’t really want to write them because it takes so much effort to phrase things properly. if i was just talking to you, it would be so much easier. the written word is far too rigid for the amount of effort i want to put into expressing my thoughts. there is one thing though. i like change, but i hate transitions. i can see myself living by myself and all that, but the thought of what i have to do to get there is frightening.

throughout the week i’ll write all the things that i ‘discovered’ about myself. i just have to ‘buckle down’ and write the damn things.

www.johnnyhollow.com and go to johnny hollow radio. it’s on the right hand side. or go here http://www.theskeletonshop.com/ and launch the music for it. there are less songs, but you can stop it and control the volume. you can play the game too. it’s pretty good. you can close the game if you just want to listen to the music. also, if you enter the johnny hollow website, you can download mp3s. but you have to answer the riddles correctly. they’re hard.