you know how i talk to myself all the time? well, i just took it into real crazy zone. i’m talking to myself on messenger. and it’s not just fun banter. it’s a real conversation where i’m two different people inquiring about the other one’s life. . . yea, i know. i should probably look into the whole therapy thing more seriously. by the way, it’s the same life, but different views on it, kind of. so it’s not like i have multiple personalities or anything.

i didn’t have the internet for a day and a night, and i thought i was going to die. i don’t even know why, now that i look back on it. i didn’t really miss anything, i wasn’t bored, and i still did my homework. i guess it was just because i felt so alone. i had no connection to anyone at that point. i have got to stop being such a wreck. i have to stop thinking about me and the future, and just focus on school and now. i keep thinking that i have so much work to do with school, it’s going to be so hard, and how am i going to do it. i should just do it. go in and do the work for that period. worry about homework etc. when it shows up. then do that when i can.

i always get carried away with other things and leave my entry up in the air. i guess that means i’m done.

i’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist. i just need someone without any preconceptions of my life, to listen and tell me that i’m not crazy. someone to help me realize where my self-esteem and complex issues stem from. someone to help me. i’m falling apart on the inside, but i don’t tell anyone. i have lots of people i could tell, but there’s at least one reason for each why i don’t. anime is the perfect escape for me. i don’t think about any of my problems. everything in anime is so much better. i’m such a terrible person. i am perfectly technically flawed. i hated going to school today so much more than i usually do. this is why i think something’s wrong with me. i should probably shut up now. so i will.

friday was some old timey fun again. this time with the inclusion of justin. we all got pretty drunk i think. i found out some stuff that i really didn’t like. i was going to say that i didn’t want to know, but it was one of those things where you know you shouldn’t know for your own good, but you want to know anyway. when i’m drunk, i cannot stop myself from saying stupid things. i guess it’s just things that i wouldn’t normally say, but that’s pretty bad because i’m really blunt. i need some therapy or something. i have deep rooted problems that need to be fixed. normally, with myself, i can tell where the problem comes from. i can with this one too, but the reason for this problem leads to another one, and i don’t know the reason for this one. maybe it’s just because i dwell on things. maybe it’s because i’m an only child. dammit! i keep thinking about it. okay, onto anime.

i got trigun last night. i’ve seen ten episodes and i love vash. he’s so funny, but so damn cool. there’s that underlying plot that makes you watch the whole series in like three days. i do that with every anime series though. i have so many lined up. at the moment, i’m downloading DN Angel. it looks decent. i don’t know how much i’ll like it, but i’m sure it’ll be hilarious. after that i was going to get gilgamesh but instead i’m getting full moon wo sagashite. it’s about a girl who’s a singer but then she gets a tumor on her throat and the only way she can survive is by losing her voice. when i read the synopsis for this, i was like ‘oh my god. this series was made for me.’ i read reviews for it and apparently everything about it is good. usually an anime lacks quality in sound or animation if the plot is good or vice versa, but this one has it all. i can’t wait.

so, that’s the update. i’m eating pizza right now, so i figure i’ll watch some more trigun while i’m at it. yay for vash. he’s so great. and i love his hair, when it’s wet and dry. i think more so when it’s wet though.

it’s hard to update everyday. nothing happens in my life. tomorrow is the terry fox run. we have to be in it and we’re only allowed to walk. it’s only 3.5 km and i ran for 12 today, so i think i can handle it. we get pizza at the end. oh crap. i forgot about getting pledges. they’re due on mon or tues, i’m not sure. if you want to donate money to me, i’d be more than happy to take it.

when i check out girls, (it’s an odd statement, i know) one of the first things i look at are her eyebrows. it really bothers me when chicks have bad eyebrows. you can only imagine how much it bothers me when i screw up my own. i’m very particular about my brows. i just think it’s a key element to your look. bad eyebrows can make someone look very unattractive in my opinion. i think i have rather high standards anyway. you have to be pretty damn good looking for me to say you are and not say ‘except for . . .’ that one thing that makes you just average. most people to me are just alright. if someone asks me about a girl, or guy for that matter, my response is usually ‘they’re alright.’

i finished watching hellsing. it was pretty good actually. i was expecting a much worse ending, but that covered all the bases. sure, there could have been more. it could’ve been a longer series. i just can’t get enough of arucard (it switches from alucard to arkard and the translator swears it’s not just dracula backwards). he’s so damn cool. every episode i was just watiting for him to show up. i wish they had made more episodes or an ova. anything would be good. i was surprisingly pleased with that ending though.

doing courses in the ILC is so frustrating. you just sit there and answer question after question. don’t get me wrong, i don’t want to be doing time consuming projects or anything, but it’s so tedious after forty minutes. and i have two courses in the ILC. i don’t usually go to period one though. it’s careers and i’ve got it under control. plus i do it at lunch because i have nothing better to do.

i want to see garden state tomorrow. jeff suggested that i see it before we have some old timey fun again, since he’s going to a friend’s show. i don’t know if anyone will see it with me though. it’s 7:40 and i still haven’t had dinner yet. i’m so hungry. i don’t know how i’m still awake. i didn’t sleep well at all, i ran 12 km, and i only ate pasta salad. i had a lot of water though. oh yea, i ate two cookies as well. i guess that’s it for an update.

i have a topic to write about in my blog, and then later i forget what it was. since i started writing this though, i remembered what i had forgotten. people have been searching for banana phone and linking to my site from those searches. i think that’s pretty neat. i checked it out for myself and i’m number seven in the search results for banana phone raffi. it’s weird that people are looking for it and they go to my site of all places.

i want to go to a club/bar. lousy drinking age. i’d ask my cousin for her license, but i never see her. plus, i don’t know how similar we’d look. i don’t even really know why i want to go. it’s probably just because i can’t. people seem to have fun there, so it can’t be all bad. you don’t go to get drunk though. you get tipsy first, then top yourself off when you get there. it costs less and is just as much fun. that’s if your tolerance is high though. if you get drunk off one drink, just drink there. cab fare will cost you too much if you’re drunk before.

i finished watching the weiss kreuz series. again with the disappointing endings. and i hear that hellsing isn’t any better in that department. i used to know how to do that cool B looking thing at the end of weiss, but i don’t now. it’s like alt 10023 or something like that. it’s the exact code i can’t remember. it’s so hard to find too. i found it once by chance looking at weiss kreuz sites. i think i got it. weiß kreuz! huzzah. i was an idiot. but oh well. at least i know it now.

i watched making the cut today. http://www.insidehockey.com/makingthecut/index.html is the place to read jeff’s interview. it’s pretty funny looking back on it now. well, funny in a sad way. i still remember being at his house walking up the stairs from his basement and hearing some sort of swearing. he was on the computer so i instantly knew what had happened. i went back downstairs and asked what was wrong. then i read the email. so sad.

i’m probably going to be up all night because i slept all day. that totally sucks. a long time ago i wrote here that i couldn’t write in my ‘real’ journal because i had lost the keys. by pure chance and intuition, i found them. being the genius that i am, i never realized that i had already finished that journal about a year ago. so i haven’t written in my journal since june because i thought i couldn’t open it, when all along it was the new journal. oh well. i’ve started writing in it again. i guess i’m done now because this has taken me 1.5 hours to write. proof reading? don’t make me do it. that wasn’t too bad. okay, done now.

i got pretty drunk on friday night. kind of regret how honest i was. i don’t really feel like writing but i need to update. aside from friday night i didn’t really do anything all weekend, which i’m bummed about. watched a lot of anime and that’s pretty much it. i guess anime’s been keeping me pretty busy. no homework this weekend, which i’m happy about, but it’s a waste considering i didn’t do anything. i should take another language. if language courses weren’t on the weekend, i’d take japanese or spanish. unfortunately the spanish is only for elementary level students. i think i’d be pretty good languages if i took the time learn something. ugh. that’s it i can’t write anymore. i’m not even going to proof read this.