obliviously obvious

i hate being 18. i hate the drinking age being 19. that’s just retarded. all age restrictions should be 18. bah. oh well. sitting here bored out of mind for another 5 or so hours isn’t that bad.

i don’t know if i wrote this already or not, but i really enjoy downloading entire albums by artists that i don’t like. for example, avril lavigne and evanescence. it gives me some sort of sick satisfaction in knowing that they’ll never get my money, but i get their work. mmm . . . makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. i feel kind of guilty when i download albums by artists that i respect, but they cost like $25. on that note (somehow), i like placebo. androgyny is attractive in a casual sense. not in women, but in men, yes. a woman should look like a woman, but a guy can be really hot if he’s kind of girly. eyeliner on guys is the hottest thing. cross dressers are taking it too far, but androgyny is definitely a good thing.

i think i’m going to get my ears pierced again tomorrow. should i go for the whole looks uneven but actually isn’t thing, or the opposite of that. i can get 2 in one ear, to have a total of 4 in that ear and 2 in the other, or one in each and have 3 in each ear. hmm, so many options. i have to get a tattoo at some point too.

i’m so glad i have no school tomorrow. yay for shopping time. boo for pain that will make me not want to go shopping. i think i’ll treat myself tomorrow. to what, i don’t know. i have a lot of stuff to buy. i have to buy shoes even. my plan is to buy 2 pairs of really cheap stretchy jeans that fit me now, and one pair of expensive jeans that i can just fit into, so they’ll be perfect when i lose weight. i think i’ve become more shallow over the past year. oh well. at least i admit i’m a terrible person. that’s much better than being in denial . . . or is it?

i feel like i should write something meaningful, or like i discovered something today, but i can’t remember what. maybe i’m just crazy. i really need to start bringing my gameboy to school. i should eat more froot loops. it’s funny how time passes. well, not really, but it’s interesting at least. things change and grow, relationships evolve, people move in and out of your life. i don’t know where i’m going with this. some thoughts make me really happy. most of the time, it’s just because i’m thinking of someone, and that someone makes me happy. or it’ll be a situation with that person that makes me happy. like living with jeff. that thought makes me happy. and not just surface happy, like soulfully happy. i should go to bed soon. i need the sleep right now, plus i have a long day of shopping tomorrow.

i did a little singing today, and i’m starting to get a little worried that i won’t be ready by february. my lower register’s fine, but i haven’t been working on the higher one. i can barely get a c above high c, let alone the f i used to be able to manage. this bothers me. i’ve always prided myself in my high range, now it’s going to take work to get it back to where it used to be. on a higher note (get it? i’m a terrible person, i know) i got in touch with a Canadian opera singer who’s working in Italy right now, and she agreed to do an interview with me. i had never even heard of this person before i started looking for singers to interview, but it was beyond cool to me that she actually wrote back and said yes. it probably has to do with the fact that she studied at u of t and i said i was from toronto. plus, i doubt she gets requests like that every day. still, it was uber cool for me. i was actually excited when i read that email.

at some point, i’m going to have to study abroad. the work is better in europe, and they have far superior teachers and institutes, for singing that is. i guess it all depends which route i want to take too. i don’t think i have the right voice for opera. i can sing it technically correct, but i have a pure tone, which means it doesn’t sound like singing, especially in the higher ranges. i guess we’ll just have to see. first i’ll get a tutor now, and see what happens from there.

it’s amazing how some people can just read you. i’ve been told that i have that ability. i’ve never experienced it like this though. at the oddest times too. people have wanted to be able to read me, and that’s a good thing, but it’s not the same as actually being able to do it. maybe it’s just a connection you have with certain people. i don’t know, but it feels good. i like having someone that knows me that well. it’s comforting.

i’ve been tired all day, so i think i’ll finally hit it.

i really should start playing my guitar again. i miss it a lot. i wasn’t half bad when i first started, and then i just stopped. i should do it now though because soon i’ll have theory and vocal lessons to go to. some auditions are as early as march, which really scares me.

anyway, i’m busy burning and organizing my cds. i’ll focus on that at the moment.

holy shit. that movie was amazing. you probably wouldn’t agree with me unless you know how it feels. it’s kind of hard to believe that she went through all that at thirteen . . . on second thought, it’s not. i really liked that movie. if you’ve ever felt that you’re not worthy of being loved, the last scene will make you cry. there’s more to it than that, but i don’t want to get into my personal problems. a lot of people didn’t like this film for various personal reasons, but you really have to be in the same emotional situation to ‘get it’. the soundtrack is pretty good too. it made me like katy rose, when i specifically said i was going to hate her.

i can’t believe it’s only thursday. i keep thinking it’s friday for some reason. and it’s a shortened week god dammit. running makes me feel good. not in the chemical releasing, adrenaline, endorphin way either. more in the accomplishing goals, succeeding at something, doing something good for me kind of way. the best feeling is the shower afterwards. it’s just so refreshing.

i hate it when i have a song stuck in my head, but i can’t remember anything about it. thank god for Lyric Mania. now i know that the song was meant to live – switchfoot. i should probably go to bed soon. technically, i should be mentally and physically exhausted, but i’m not. why is limewire going so slow? poor quality my ass. download faster damn you!

ooh. i forgot. i got incubus tickets for their show on november 1st at copps coliseum. the best part: they’re on the floor! i’m so happy i got them. i’d like jeff to go with me, but he doesn’t seem like he wants to go. i think it could be a great day. it’s our anniversary, so we could go for dinner or something before, and then go to the show, and just spend time with each other. that’d be sweet. but if he doesn’t want to go, that’s cool. i’m sure i can wrangle someone else into going, like paula or sean. paula would go just for the chance to ogle hot rocker guys. plus we have some history with ‘wish you were here’. *wipes away tear* ah, good times. for some reason, i have lenny kravitz stuck in my head. you know when you have 2+ songs in your head, and they kind of meld together? yeah, that’s happening right now. i had the opening of a song i couldn’t remember in my head, but then i remembered what it was. i’m glad i did. it would’ve driven me nuts.

i feel like eating a mcchicken sandwich right now. mmm, so good. wow, it’s quite late. i didn’t realize. i’m kind of hungry, but i shouldn’t eat, i should go to bed. but i’m too hungry to sleep, and i’m so not tired.

i had a whole post, a rather good one, already written and now it’s gone because the internet is gay. the gist of it: jeff said i looked good when i thought i looked like crap, and it totally blew my mind. i don’t know why he thought that, and now i don’t know how to look on a regular basis. really, i know this shouldn’t be confusing me, but it is doing. i don’t know, it’s just whoa. it’s good that he thought that, but it’s still weird to me. honestly, the thought in my mind is: he doesn’t think i look good when i have make-up on. that’s the basic idea in my head now. i am so confused. when i thought i looked good, did he think i looked bad? it’s just weird to me. also, i said some things that i needed to say. i need a lot of support right now to get me through these difficult times. this means a lot of effort to show caring. i’m very needy, and it’s very annoying i know. well that’s it. now for some sleep.

the post that got erased was way better. i shake my fist at you internet. and just in case select all and copy.