obliviously obvious

something i need to learn to accept: i have wide hips. wide hips make you look bigger no matter how skinny you get. it’s bone, so it’s not going anywhere. i’m at 37″ and that’s as small as it’s going to get. even if i lost 10 pounds, i wouldn’t even lose an inch on my hips, because they’re just wide. i can still work on the other parts though. oh well, time for sleep.

the summary of the last 10 days: stress. i even broke down crying one morning because i don’t want to do this anymore. whatever, i just have to suck it up and do the things i don’t want to.

i’m still too fat and i hate the way i look. i’m working my ass off (literally but without any big changes) to change it though. i need to add some other kind of routine or something. this is so annoying. maybe it’s just in my head. i don’t think it is though. there’s really only one way to find out. mirrors are deceiving, especially the one i have. so, pictures it is. although, i’m pretty sure i’ll be just as depressed with those as with anything else. lousy non slim body. i shake my fist at you.

time to find wallpapers of slim women as motivation to work out more and eat better. dammit, why does it take so long?

my last post was my hundredth post. i was going to have a big celebration but i didn’t realize until now. meh. my computer is broken. i’m writing this at school. if i don’t update in a couple of weeks, it’s because of that. i really need to get it fixed. i tried going to bed early (earlier) last night and i woke up even more exhausted than normal. i’m just not a very good night sleeper. i was made to sleep during the day. i should be a vampire. if anyone out there is a vampire and would like some fresh blood, i’d be more than happy to lend a pint or two, in exchange for being a vampire of course. none of this ‘i’m going to kill you’ crap. anyway, i’m off for now. it’s almost second period, and i’m here all day. yay! sarcasm at it’s greatest.

it sucks to be a realist but a romantic at heart. the two sides are always conflicting with each other. and the realist is constantly beating up the romantic.

my hair dried all wavy/curly today. i think it looks pretty good to say i put no effort in it. there goes my romantic side again, being beaten down. i’m well aware of that fact (the one in my head) but the truth (realist) also knows (hopes it knows) what’s going on. this is why saying everything you think is a good idea. then no one is unsure of anything, and everyone is happy and not secretly disappointed with anything. i am so terrible at not talking about things.

there’s this question that i’m dying to ask someone, but i can’t because then they would have to be told information that i don’t want them to know. but this question is killing me. i want to know so badly! talk about lousy timing. i just need an opportunity. then i can find out without anyone knowing anything. excellent.

i’ll go to bed soon, i think.

i really don’t want to go to school on monday. i don’t like sleeping by myself, so i’m forced to have my dog sleep with me. boo. fuck, i totally had something i was going to write here, and now i forgot what it was. it was probably something about being alone or something. i wish i could remember. thinking totally blows.

i am so bored. i feel like going to a party, or drinking heavily. drinking would be good. i just thought of the morning after, so i’ll go with drugs instead. good old dependable drugs.