obliviously obvious

i haven’t written anything in a while. i think too much. i’ve been having a lot of pain lately. mostly physical. i haven’t been sleeping well either. if i think about anything for too long, or just deeper than on the surface, i feel like i’m going to cry. tears start to well up. it’s like i’m on the verge of a breakdown all the time. if i’m not like that, then i’m super irritable and hate-filled. which brings me right back to crying again. i’m beginning to think this is a chemical thing and not a mind thing. as i look back over the past two years, my mental state has only gotten worse. it’s really slipped since winter’s hit. i know it’s a mixture of things, but i just don’t feel right. i’m constantly fighting back tears and negative thoughts. i’m always working just to keep myself together. i don’t want to be like this, but i don’t think i have control anymore. i should probably see a doctor. hah . . . but i don’t have time. as soon as february hits, i have a shitload of me things to do. i still have deadlines and auditions to worry about. all i want to do is be.

i got new furniture today. the weekend was awesome. spent a lot of time with jeff. it’s hard to explain that time. i’m pretty sure i just need to let go more. i’m tired and have things to do. all in all, the weekend was really good. i’m really happy.

incubus alive at red rocks has rekindled my creative spark. performing is just who i am. i love everything about it. i love the stage, i love sound check, i love audiences, i love rehearsal both dry and dress. i just love performing songs. i would really love to perform songs that i really loved and connected with too. i’d have that if they were my own songs. actually, i don’t like a lot of my stuff most of the time. i think it’s because it’s lacking syncopation, but you can’t really have that without all the music. so, i’m at an impasse until i get a band or record my own parts. can’t really do that since i don’t have a bass or drums. you know, i had a whole plan for having everything started by the time i was like 21. a whole financial plan and everything. it was all worked out. but then people and other things came around. i should probably start on that. i know a lot of people with studios, and i’m very surprised at my lack of demo. i really should get on with writing. that whole side of me’s been dry for a while though. surround sound is the best invention ever right now. it’s like i’m there. good times.

goal for end of the year: 10-12 reasonably demo level songs written or at least in the works. well, i already have like 7 . . . maybe, i can’t remember, in the works. now it’s just a matter of polishing (read starting all over) those and getting some new ideas on paper. here’s to my success. cheers.

i just woke up and i feel very bad. i feel like my chest is collapsing on itself. why do i always do this to myself? i feel so ill. i really need to get things done. but i don’t have the willpower to do so. ok, commencing work now.

boo for negativity. i just can’t help it. it’s less of a surprise when something bad does happen. self defense? this is annoying. i know it’s true, i just can’t change it. it’s who i am. i don’t think i’d be the same person at all if i was all happy and bubbly. i can’t really say that though, seeing as it’s me saying that, so my vision is skewed. it’s not like i’m the most depressed person in the world. i could’ve given up a long time ago. why do i find myself scared to hope? i’m literally afraid of being happy. i don’t understand this at all. my mind won’t let me be positive. i’ve run out of things to say. i don’t know what to do anymore.

well, it’s already the second day of the year. i can’t believe that it’s 2005. 79 pictures taken last night. ’twas a good night. i had a lot of fun. it was great to see everyone again. i can’t think of anything else to say. the pictures really speak for themselves. except for that one part. that was just hilarious. i can’t believe sean was looking at that pizza box for so long. oh well. no hangover, but that’s just expected by now. i don’t even know how much i drank. at least 5 drinks. some funny moments last night. it was also my eighteen month anniversary, which i completely forgot until i got home today. i mean i completely forgot about it. that’s weird for me. a year and a half. that’s a super long time. well, not super, but pretty damn long. it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. i’m so happy. maybe it’s the music i’m listening to, but i’m on the verge of tears happy. maybe melz is right. maybe it will be a good year. i think i can feel it too. so, happy new year to all and i hope this year is good for you. here’s to seeing how it turns out.

~cheers

p.s. tal, i love you too. and everything you said goes for me too. you’re a part of me that i could never let go.