obliviously obvious

here i am, in the dark, listening to a perfect circle – passive (explicit) on repeat and eating chicken fingers. girls night on saturday. one problem: i need i.d. this is a call to anyone that might know of a good place to get a fake i.d. preferably close to the GTA area. or even anyone that looks like me and is 19 and has an old i.d. i already asked my cousin, but she never really got back to me on it, probably because she doesn’t have any. that’s the only person i know who looks anything like me, let alone being the right age. any help is greatly appreciated.

i think the oscars are on now, but i don’t really care too much.

i wish my hair would grow faster. i also have no idea what to do with it next. i just dyed it black again, but now i want something different again because i’ve had it black for like 2 or 3 years. after a while i might go honey blonde. think jessica alba. she used to have black hair in her dark angel days, now she always has it a honey blonde. in her new movie fantastic four, it’s pretty blonde. i’m thinking i want it that blonde. or maybe just a light brown, but definitely a lot lighter than it is now. i suppose you could let me know what you think about that too. i’m open to anything.

i had this terrible dream last night. i hate it when i have really realistic dreams. the feelings are just too much. that’s what i mean when i say realistic; the emotions are deep and i wake up hurt. there was one part in it that was pretty funny though. but the rest, ugh. awful. it made me want to be with that person just to verify they weren’t actually like that. of course, at the same time i didn’t.

i have to do a lot of things, but i haven’t quite stopped running from responsibility. i know running only makes it worse, but that knowledge doesn’t stop me from doing it. just one day at a time. i have to do things on those days to makes them count, and that’s the hard part. god damn me. i can’t believe it’s 4 already. how do i waste my time? really? what am i waiting for? i really have to stop thinking about what i should be doing and actually do it. i know i’ve already written this wonderful revelation, but i just can’t seem to learn from it. and the downward spiral continues. excuse me while i go mentally beat myself.

hi, my name is whitney and i have a cancelled shows problem. i’ve been watching already cancelled shows for about three years now, but i recently got into live drama series.

seriously, this is a problem. first it was ‘my so-called life’ now it’s . . . well, i’d rather not say. let’s just say i used to fondly refer to it as crap in a jar. now i watch it faithfully every morning. it’s why i wake up for crying out loud. now that’s a real problem for you. forget this self-loathing bullshit. the only reason i wake up is to watch a show that’s been ended for two years. wow, that’s all? i thought it was way older than that. hmm, oh well. it’s still been over for two years! i still love it and i’m hooked.

now i’m going to sleep for 8 hours because i have to wake up then and watch my drug . . . i mean show. dammit, slipped up again. ok, sleeptime.

lately (right now), i’ve been thinking that i’m not so fat. then i just talked myself out of it again. i’m too tired to be thinking about this crap. i wrote this whole thing about love in my journal. great . . . a cd just fell off my desk. i know it’s not a big deal, but right now it is. i’m so tired. i don’t want to go to night school tonight. it would be better to miss one now than later, but i’ll go anyway. i’ll just sit through it. i really don’t appreciate having to pay $100 for a textbook. that’s such bullshit. i know that you have to do that in university, but that’s university. i’m so tempted to see if i can make it without the textbook. anyway, i’m sick of this now.

i had to do this portfolio for this retarded class, but it made me realize that i haven’t really accomplished anything. everything i’ve done is in my head or not actually tangible. no wonder i have no self-esteem. i essentially have nothing to show for how i’ve lived for the past 18 years. i have my cd collection and my clothes, but that’s about it. i guess i have this (computer and blog). i don’t know why people think i’m a good writer. i still say it’s because they’re comparing me to dolts that don’t know the difference between its and it’s or there, their and they’re. i have no pride in what i do either because i tend to do things just to do them, not because i want to or because it means something to me. lousy high school. it’s such a terrible institution. it’s not a very good way to teach teenagers, or anyone for that matter. i’m so glad i never have to go there again. *sigh of relief*

i love putting on random lists that i made in the past and then just letting it play instead of skipping every song like i usually do. it makes me discover songs.

i got a phone call the other day. it lasted five hours. it was good. now i have to send a letter and a contract. i need to start writing in my journal again. i miss handwriting things. besides, i was supposed to have filled this particular journal last year. it’s supposed to be one per year, but it never works out that way.

i’ve said it before but i’ll say it again: i am a hopeless romantic. i can’t help it. i watched serendipity today and i almost cried. shoot me, please? no wait, don’t. i like living.

i have this irrational fear of calling people. it’s quite the annoyance. even when people tell me to call them, i won’t. something else that’s annoying is the incuboard going down. i have things to say dammit.

well, that was a productive little rant. i’m supposed to go to jeff’s game tonight, but one of the above is keeping me from taking any steps in that particular direction. see if you can guess which one. i think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

ok, so i really have to start working out. i realize now that i don’t feel like posting anything. so, i’m not going to. maybe tonight if i’m bored.