i’m trying so hard to not let my mind destroy me. i can feel it right there on the edge. i need to see a therapist or something. i’m really mad now too because of blatant lies. only lie if you know you can get away with it. i probably just did something really stupid, but that’s life and i just don’t care anymore. i think i have a damn right to want to keep things that belong to me as mine. fuck this dancing around shit. fuckity fuck. people piss me off. just TELL THE TRUTH!

i cannot call people. if i know there’s only one person that could answer, i can be okay. but calling people at home where anyone could answer scares the hell out of me. i love answering machines when i’m calling someone like my vocal teacher or what have you. i just finished calling two people and i’m still shaking. that’s anxiety disorder for you. i’ve been feeling sick all morning because i had to make these phone calls. i don’t even know what it is, it’s just one of those irrational fears that i have. pretty much all of my mental hang-ups are unjustified. that’s why they’re hang-ups. if i know the exact cause and reason behind them, i could learn to not have them.

we went bowling on saturday night. that was fun. i beat jus, and that’s all that counts. it was nice seeing moni again. i miss those summer days when everything was new and fun. i miss summer and warmth. i miss songs without connotation. i miss school being fun. i think i miss having something to look forward to.

someone needs to have a party. i’m having a party sometime in june or july (preferably june) for my birthday. my parents are renting a cottage. i don’t know if i already wrote about this, but whatever. if you read this, you’re probably invited. don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of notice. it should be a good drunken time in the middle of nowhere.

i don’t have any. and even the ones that i do have, don’t do things. or they have friends that i don’t really like being around that they’re always around. or they go to places that i can’t go to. so i’m stuck doing nothing always and it blows. it blows hard. i know most of the problem is me, but i can’t help the fact that 95% of the people that i know, i hate. i’m just not one of those people that other people call for some reason. like they never seem to include me. i guess it’s because they think i don’t want to be included, which for the most part is true. all the possible ‘friends’ i could make wouldn’t really be friends, they’d be acquaintances that i might do something on the weekends with, if they’re not busy with their core group of friends. not to mention the fact that i’m only 18. that cuts my options in half right off the bat. most people have fakes, so they just go anyway. but not me, no no. i’m not lucky enough to get one. don’t slip on the self-pity. i’ll clean it up in the morning.

blahdy blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. if you read that out loud like an actual sentence, it’s kind of funny.

i really need help. there are so many things that i’ve built my life on that i shouldn’t do. these things only destroy my life little by little every day. and each day is a battle to make it a good one. i can feel myself being drawn into having a bad day, and it takes so much mental effort to keep myself thinking about good things, good times, the people i have etc. even with all those thoughts, i still get dragged into this black hole of despair. there are no better words to describe it. believe me, i don’t want to be there. telling myself that i only feel this way because of this or that doesn’t help either. there’s nothing i can do. i’m powerless and i can’t stand it. and you can’t understand. even if you think you do, you don’t. i just can’t stop thinking negative thoughts. everything has a negative spin. its more than just that. it’s frustrating.

first: trent reznor is so sexy, i’d do him in a second. second: the hand that feeds is a great song. i cannot wait for the album. i just wish that i could’ve gotten tickets to see nin at kool haus. crappy ticketmaster.

i’ve been up since 8:00pm yesterday. i’m getting really sick of all of these long spans of being awake. i’m sure it can’t be good for me in any respect.

i’m all out of things to say. i think i might be going to western tomorrow, but i’m not sure. it bothers me that i don’t know where my downward spiral cd is. god damn it. why do i have the cover, but not the case? that is so not tender. ugh. so annoying.

according to my underwear. cut me some slack, they were on sale. i scribbled a few things down to write about because i knew i’d forget if i didn’t. first on the agenda, sleep. actually, it’s the lack of sleep i’ve been getting. i cannot sleep no matter how hard i try. even sleeping pills don’t work. even on the nights where i fall asleep easier, i wake up only four hours after i fell asleep. because of this, i’m always tired. it’s insomnia. it’s terrible.

i always used to be one of those people that thought i could never sleep with anyone. now, i find it easier to sleep with jeff next to me. he’s not even close, but just knowing that he’s there is some sort of comfort. so, i don’t like sleeping by myself anymore.

from last wednesday to this tuesday, i didn’t wear a bra. when i put one on again, it felt really weird. i went almost a week. i find that pretty interesting. i also found that 100% brushed cotton underwear is the most comfortable thing ever. regular cotton is all well and good, but that brushed cotton is amazing.

i’ve been so bored the past couple of weeks. do not say “get a job” because that’s bullshit. then i’ll just be bored in a different environment. plus, i’ll be bitter as well.

i want to get professional hair and make-up done. the real deal that costs hundreds of dollars by people that know what they’re doing. that would be too awesome. speaking of awesome, laurier is an awesome university.

some universities are dicks. they say a certain item has to be sent to them by a certain deadline or that’s the end. that’s it. no excuses, no explanations, nothing. i realize this is how the real world works, but what if you couldn’t make a payment in time or something of that nature. there should be some leeway. well, laurier has that leeway. they said that all the audition things had to be sent in by march 7th. i sent mine in on time, but i got an email stating that if you hadn’t made the deadline, it’s okay because you can still book an audition date; those dates were simply for their scheduling needs. no penalties, no guilt trips, just send in the form now. i thought that was pretty awesome, considering that u of t is such a big dick about stuff like that. u of t isn’t even that good. they’re jerks. at least in the music department. they’re self-serving, narcissistic assholes.

my thighs are too fat. but to get them smaller, other things have to get smaller. believe me, i know, i already did it once. god damn you thighs. it’s things like these that really make me consider liposuction. that’s what it was invented for. oh well. i’ll just try exercise again and see what happens. man, i hate this so much. not that i have to work, but just that they’re still too fat. it disgusts me.

i need to buy more clothes. i need summer clothes. i bought some nice stuff today. you’re very welcome to help out by buying me something from any of the sites i listed below. or, just give me money. i love money.