i have nothing to do. i’m signing up for a bartending course. then i will get a job as a bartender and i can go into clubs without being 19. that will be totally awesome. that’s if i get a job before june 13th. that’s only six weeks away. sweet freedom is so close. it’s true that people only want what they can’t have. at the moment, there are two things that i want so much more only because i can’t have them. if i had access to them, i probably wouldn’t care at all, or as much.

i need to see someone, just to validate something. i’m beginning to agree with a certain person and it really bothers me. i don’t want to agree. i can’t agree. or maybe if i do, it will be a step towards moving on and realizing that even though that person may be that, i am at least on that same level, if not better. i am better, especially in that one area which was so adamantly defended.

i can’t wait for it to get warmer. i’ve been waiting for swimsuit season all winter. this is the first time i’ve ever looked forward to being in public in a swimsuit. the way i see it, i worked damn hard for what i have now. even though it’s not exactly perfect (but it’s pretty damn good), i’m still going to show it off like crazy because i personally think i’m super hot. sure, there are some things that i’m still not crazy about, and i can work on them. but for the most part, i’m damn proud of my body and i think i’ll look quite sexy in a new bikini. first, to go shopping for one.

that leads back to getting a job for money to buy the bikini. i’m not so against working anymore, as long as it keeps me busy, but not stressed. i prefer jobs that end when you leave and don’t have any home consequences. basically, anything that i’ve been looking at in the last little while.

i’m so happy that i’m done my important auditions. i feel really confident about my western acceptance too. i’ll be so heartbroken if i don’t get a recommendation from the music faculty now. they were just so nice about everything. blah. great, now i’m nervous about being accepted. damn it.

i had some crazy dreams last night. they involved sex, stripping, getting strawberry stains out of clothes, campfires, nuclear attacks, freddy kruger, president clinton, a bunch of old school friends and some sort of mall/coffee shop. there were a lot of things going on. it was quite epic, involved, very entertaining and just good all around.

have you ever noticed that when people laugh, you don’t hear what their actual laugh sounds like, you just hear them making that sound? you don’t hear the laugh unless you really concentrate on just that sound. if someone asked you what kind of laugh do you have, you wouldn’t be able to tell them right off the bat. you’d probably have to hear it and then say “it sounds more like heeeeheee than hawhawhaw.” does anyone get this? i tried to explain it to jeff and sean last night, but 1. i don’t think they were really listening and 2. i wasn’t in the most coherent state to be explaining complex-ish thoughts, if you get my drift.

justin’s party should be awesome tomorrow. i haven’t decided if i’m going to drink or not. i’m not supposed to drink while taking my medication, but i don’t think the side effects are life threatening or even scary sounding. i’ll probably end up having a few tokes (if someone brings something and shares) and then have some drinks in my non-sober state after. that’s if jeff lets me. last time i was going to drink, he kindly and responsibly reminded me that i can’t. he’s such a good boyfriend. he’s always taking care of me in the best way possible. sometimes it’s not exactly what i want, but it’s always the very best thing for me.

i wrote a lot. i have to sort out all the details with my birthday party. if anyone knows of a good place to rent cottages, or knows someone that owns a cottage who wouldn’t mind me renting it out for the weekend, let me know. i have a place that i know of, but it’s kind of rustic. it’s not rundown, there’s just no electricity or flushing toilets. it’s in the middle of nowhere, it would be cheap, and i could have as many people as i want staying there. those are all the pros. if i went to an actual cottage site, there’d be noise restrictions, the number of people that could stay would be around four, it would be more expensive and all of those things combined equals to other problems. so let me know what you think about the no electricity and flushing thing, or about any other cottages that are available. i’m done now. cheers.

so, at 2:10pm i will be starting my second audition and it will be at western. this is the one that really counts for me because i would really love to go to western. that was the top of my list almost 5 years ago. i abandoned the idea (for some reason unbeknownst to me now) but now it’s the best choice for me. i’d really like to go to a performing arts school, but that stuff is way too complicated and possibly a little too specific for my taste at the moment. if i find that i want/need that training later, i can always acquire it. with what money, i don’t know, but somehow.

after yesterday’s disaster, i’m hoping that today’s audition will go smoothly and calmly. honestly, i know it will. i’ve prepared a lot more (except for that damn lied) and now i can do all of my songs by memory at around 85% confidence. and i just remembered that i have a cd with the german lied on it, so it makes it easier for me to practice it in the car on the way to london.

now it’s time for sleep. less than twelve hours from now. this is going to be fun, and i genuinely mean that. no pressure because it only leads to bad.

eight hours from now (jesus christ, that’s soon) i will be in my first university audition. it will be at laurier. i usually don’t get nervous about these kind of things, but i’m kind of worried that i’m not prepared enough. all i can do at this point is get some sleep, and show off my talent tomorrow. singing is all i do, so i should be able to pull this off, right? it’s not just the audition that i’m worried about. the other things i can’t worry about right now though, because it’s the audition itself that makes a difference. i can always fix those things later if the need be, but i can’t mess up my audition. i’m looking too far ahead at the moment. when do you know to focus on now or to focus on now for tomorrow/later? there are times when focusing now is already too late and you should have been focusing on then instead. ok, time to sleep and be happy because this is what i want to do. this is opportunity knocking. it’s time to answer.

i’m utterly bored, but all i feel like doing right now is curling up in a big bed in the arms of someone i love aka jeff. hah, you would never know that i hate writing personal stuff like that.

i really have to start writing in my journal again. it’s therapeutic just to physically write with paper and pen. i haven’t done it in a long time. i don’t think i can be that honest right now. at least not for the next week or so. i need to stay focused on my auditions. when i write, i just let myself spill onto the pages. i don’t know if i’d be more scared of what was written or that nothing was written at all. i feel i’ve lost my creative ’spark’, if you will. i think it comes with learning the rigidness and regulations of my one passion: music. i always knew all the rules, but when you learn and apply them to everything, it’s really a downer. eventually it will be more of a help than a burden, but at the moment it’s more tiring than anything else.

on a positive note, my teacher seems really taken with my voice. she says it’s absolutely fabulous and with the right coaching i could really go places. that’s a relief, since i want to go places. i still need to acquire my adult voice, but i haven’t had enough experience. i have to do well at these auditions. as much as i’m scared of turning everything upside-down, i very badly need something like this in my life. any sense of purpose is always a good thing.

topic change. i love going out. i love getting dressed up, hitting the clubs/bars and just randomly going from place to place. walking city streets at night is so much fun and is always an adventure, even if it is just a little on the scary side. i think my time in montreal was probably the best. groups of random brown guys are very scary, but hilarious, especially when they try to pick-up your friend because she’s brown. another thing i love about downtown(s) is the shopping. all the nice/expensive stores are in the main cities. how could i forget my time in new york? that is a magical city. every time i go there, it just gets better and better. for me, it’s just fantastical. they have some of the most beautiful (and famous) cathedrals there. they’re so gothic and elaborate. ooh, and the skyline is to die for. it’s similar to toronto but with an added element.

that was certainly an eclectic entry. not anything close to what i was aiming for. oh well, that’s the beauty of winging an entry.

p.s. i keep having sharp pains in my right ear, but it’s not an ear infection. also, i like going out for breakfast. it’s romantic on some level.

why am i writing this? i guess i feel like i should write something. i’ll just write an email instead. actually, i will write two emails and then go to bed for i am quite tired. one is an important email to an important person. the other is just to wrap up some loose ends, hopefully. although, i think i used too many big words for total comprehension to be had. oh well, that’s just too bad. i think i’ve let this run on for too long, which isn’t my fault anymore. i stopped caring weeks ago, dammit.

there are some people that are in your life that you just can’t live without. there’s an honest to goodness need for them, otherwise you don’t function properly. i really don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. it feels like a good thing. the other question is, is it the person or the relationship that’s needed? could i pass this need onto another person and would it be as strong? i think people are capable of making themselves love almost anyone. no one, especially me, wants to think that this is true, but it is. still, there are some loves that seem greater than anything else. i’m lucky to have a few of them right now. i don’t know what i would do without them. and i’m fairly positive that in my case, it really is the people themselves, and not just the connection/relationship.

now, off to write my second, meaningful email. cheers.

i’m writing because i’m bored and i feel like talking. the things i want to talk about, i can’t, because they just seem stupid when actually discussed. i’m an oddy that way. sometimes i think i just make it seem that way in my head, and the question isn’t actually that outrageous or dumb.

instant messaging is terrible. i say that because you can never truly understand what someone is trying to say. tone of voice can be very important. it can be the key difference in a conversation. i could keep talking about this, but i really don’t want to. i want to talk about the things i’m not supposed to. i don’t know why i don’t just do it. it’s not like i’m doing anything wrong. i think the problem is that i’ve already asked the question (one of them at least) but i didn’t like the answer that i got. i know it’s ridiculous to think that by asking again i’ll get an answer that i want, but it’s one of those things where it’s impossible to not have an opinion about it. that was the answer before: opinionless.

i have another virus. i’ve looked everywhere on the internet for it, and the two things that my two different antivirus software said aren’t it either. i’m pretty sure it’s a worm, but i can’t find it in the registry. i’ve looked and i can’t find anything. everything seems to be fine except that my antivirus software finds files that are infected with a virus, but the files reproduce kind of. that sounds worse than it is. it’s the same .tmp file, it just keeps changing it’s name, and then eventually it stops. so after it’s been quarantined 1000+ times nothing else happens. my antivirus doesn’t find anything else and it never finds anything with a full manual scan, so i don’t know what’s wrong. i’m sure i’m doing irreparable damage to my computer just by having it on, but fuck me if i know what to do. damn, i should’ve said if i don’t know what to do. oh well. nothing has changed except for that annoying pop-up that happens telling me about that one file changing it’s name and being quarantined. i deleted all of them, so maybe next time i reboot it’ll be gone. i know it doesn’t work that way, but let me delude myself for a second. i actually had dreams relating to this virus. i can’t believe i got another one and i didn’t even do anything. i wasn’t downloading, i didn’t open anything, everything was exactly the same as it normally is. and i’ve rebooted/shut down at least three times since i had the last virus, so i don’t think it could be from that. not to mention that it’s not similar at all. i know it could’ve been dropped by the other one, but it would’ve been dropped in the same registry keys, but there’s nothing there. argh. this is balls.

i can’t believe i just wrote that much about my computer. i guess i’m kind of hoping someone will read it and be able to help me, but i doubt it. i’m usually pretty good at fixing my computer with things like this, but apparently it’s not infected, just that one reproducing file is. okay, i’m really going to shut up now.

now my stomach hurts and i’m tired. i’m so sick of this computer shit. but i don’t have any money to get it professionally checked. tomorrow’s going to be a music filled day for me. i’m not stopping until i have at least one song completely memorized and can finish one theory test with an 80% or higher. wow, that’s a lot of work, but i really need to do this otherwise . . . well, i don’t really know what i’ll do. i guess working and making money for a year would be alright. i just don’t know if i’d want to go to school after that. i think i would. anyway, no need to think about that option yet. i’ll wait until i clearly screw up before i start thinking about second options.

i wrote a lot of crap, and most of it really is just crap. last thought: paul oakenfold – ready steady go is an awesome song. i forgot that i had it. surprises can be great.