i have nothing to do. i’m signing up for a bartending course. then i will get a job as a bartender and i can go into clubs without being 19. that will be totally awesome. that’s if i get a job before june 13th. that’s only six weeks away. sweet freedom is so close. it’s true that people only want what they can’t have. at the moment, there are two things that i want so much more only because i can’t have them. if i had access to them, i probably wouldn’t care at all, or as much.

i need to see someone, just to validate something. i’m beginning to agree with a certain person and it really bothers me. i don’t want to agree. i can’t agree. or maybe if i do, it will be a step towards moving on and realizing that even though that person may be that, i am at least on that same level, if not better. i am better, especially in that one area which was so adamantly defended.

i can’t wait for it to get warmer. i’ve been waiting for swimsuit season all winter. this is the first time i’ve ever looked forward to being in public in a swimsuit. the way i see it, i worked damn hard for what i have now. even though it’s not exactly perfect (but it’s pretty damn good), i’m still going to show it off like crazy because i personally think i’m super hot. sure, there are some things that i’m still not crazy about, and i can work on them. but for the most part, i’m damn proud of my body and i think i’ll look quite sexy in a new bikini. first, to go shopping for one.

that leads back to getting a job for money to buy the bikini. i’m not so against working anymore, as long as it keeps me busy, but not stressed. i prefer jobs that end when you leave and don’t have any home consequences. basically, anything that i’ve been looking at in the last little while.

i’m so happy that i’m done my important auditions. i feel really confident about my western acceptance too. i’ll be so heartbroken if i don’t get a recommendation from the music faculty now. they were just so nice about everything. blah. great, now i’m nervous about being accepted. damn it.

i had some crazy dreams last night. they involved sex, stripping, getting strawberry stains out of clothes, campfires, nuclear attacks, freddy kruger, president clinton, a bunch of old school friends and some sort of mall/coffee shop. there were a lot of things going on. it was quite epic, involved, very entertaining and just good all around.

have you ever noticed that when people laugh, you don’t hear what their actual laugh sounds like, you just hear them making that sound? you don’t hear the laugh unless you really concentrate on just that sound. if someone asked you what kind of laugh do you have, you wouldn’t be able to tell them right off the bat. you’d probably have to hear it and then say “it sounds more like heeeeheee than hawhawhaw.” does anyone get this? i tried to explain it to jeff and sean last night, but 1. i don’t think they were really listening and 2. i wasn’t in the most coherent state to be explaining complex-ish thoughts, if you get my drift.

justin’s party should be awesome tomorrow. i haven’t decided if i’m going to drink or not. i’m not supposed to drink while taking my medication, but i don’t think the side effects are life threatening or even scary sounding. i’ll probably end up having a few tokes (if someone brings something and shares) and then have some drinks in my non-sober state after. that’s if jeff lets me. last time i was going to drink, he kindly and responsibly reminded me that i can’t. he’s such a good boyfriend. he’s always taking care of me in the best way possible. sometimes it’s not exactly what i want, but it’s always the very best thing for me.

i wrote a lot. i have to sort out all the details with my birthday party. if anyone knows of a good place to rent cottages, or knows someone that owns a cottage who wouldn’t mind me renting it out for the weekend, let me know. i have a place that i know of, but it’s kind of rustic. it’s not rundown, there’s just no electricity or flushing toilets. it’s in the middle of nowhere, it would be cheap, and i could have as many people as i want staying there. those are all the pros. if i went to an actual cottage site, there’d be noise restrictions, the number of people that could stay would be around four, it would be more expensive and all of those things combined equals to other problems. so let me know what you think about the no electricity and flushing thing, or about any other cottages that are available. i’m done now. cheers.