obliviously obvious

i love the fact that it’s almost 8pm and it’s still light out. i’m trying to not think about certain things that are fast approaching. this is good for my mind, but bad for my voice, which down the road will be bad for my mind. i keep having dreams about singing too. actually, my dreams are crazy. i liked the last one though. it had a good feeling behind it. sometimes they can be really dark, or leave me feeling some sort of emotional extreme. this one was/is just like a funny show, only i was in it.

random aside: i really want a cinnabon. i have no money and i don’t know why. i was pretty sure that i had at least $100 left in my account, but apparently not. that really sucks because now i can’t buy a cinnabon. i wish carolyn still worked there. then i could get a whole box for free. free. that’d be awesome. dammit care!

i need to straighten my hair. i’d curl it, but i think it’s too dry for that right now. okay, well the real reason is because i’m too lazy and i’m not very good with a curling iron, especially with a slightly new cut. it would probably end up looking like a wavy mess instead of awesome curls. and i still think my hair is a little on the short side to have it look the way i want it to. i wish i had curly hair. but the good kind of curly. i suppose that’s not possible, since all people with curly hair want straight hair. anyway, that’s enough about hair.

everything else that i can write about, i don’t want to write about. i should clean my room. cleaning is one of those things where i have to feel like doing it before i want to do it, otherwise i’ll never finish. the phone is ringing. i can’t hear who it is. it’s a male voice. it’s probably my parents’ friend. he seems to be saying a lot. i’ll check on my way up to the bathroom to straighten my hair . . . right now.

i’m so sick of people thinking they know me. you have no idea. not a clue. you think i’m “mad” because cathy’s “right”? no, i’m not mad at that. you know what, fuck it. i don’t have to prove anything. i know me and i know i’m not in denial and why should i care whether you believe me. your opinions mean shit to me. i could explain exactly why i’m acting this way because i know why, but i’m not going to because it’s way too long and drawn out for this bullshit. i’ll tell you one thing, for a person who’s always arguing over semantics, she should’ve known not to pose the question as: what have you done to deserve something from life? that equates to “you haven’t done anything to deserve something from life.” it’s my personal belief that everyone in this world shouldn’t have to work so hard just to be happy. it’s not a “standard” that i apply to just me. i think that everyone who’s alive (give or take a few right now) deserves easy happiness. why shouldn’t life be like that? i’m not saying it should change, or that i expect that. in fact, that entire post was how i should get a job and that i know i have to work in order to get things. so i was pissed because cathy said i was worthless on my fucking turf. then she has the audacity to call me a hypocrite and a runner from my problems. and put me down for doing something about my depression. so i simply returned in kind and said i’m not taking this shit because i don’t fucking have to. especially from some girl who thinks she knows life just because she’s been through some things. you can milk that for only so long before people stop caring.

yes, i’m saying things i shouldn’t say. i’m presuming things. but hey, it’s my blog, so i can do as i damn well please. don’t push me anymore. there are worse things i could say that you wouldn’t want to know. it seems like whenever cathy shows up, a hateful post is written down. stop asking for it.

in other news . . . oh screw it.

that’s right, it’s not even 7am yet and i’m up. i woke up at 5:30am for some reason. i went to bed at 12:30, so it doesn’t really make much sense. i’m hungry all the time, but then it only takes a small amount of food for me to get full. i’m starting to head down the “many small meals” path instead of three square meals a day. except i’m only eating half of my three square meals a day and i’m hungry the rest of the time. i know i should eat more, but there’s nothing in my house to snack on. we don’t have anything to make smaller meals.

i’m getting an 89% in my business course. it kills me because i’d be getting a 97% if i would’ve handed in one assignment. can you believe that? a fucking 97%. i almost cried when i saw what it could’ve been. if only i had remembered the assignment was due on wednesday instead of monday. oh well. my average is still something like 76% and that’s with a 70% mark in there. if i leave my 59% in there (i know, i know), my average is still 71%, which is just high enough for universities and my program.

i’m really bored, but once i’m up, i’m up. except for at jeff’s house. i can sleep there at any time. it puzzles me. i’ve fallen asleep on his couch so many times. and the times when i sleep over, i usually wake up about three times and just fall asleep again. i suppose it’s good that i’m up as i have a doctors appointment at 9:40. i can’t wait until it’s a decent hour so i can eat. i’m hungry right now, surprise surprise. surprise is a fun word to type. okay i’m done.

i walked into my basement (my room) today and it smelled like summer. i’m really missing summer. i’m actually looking forward to swimming and swimsuit shopping. i should probably look into that soon. not like it matters anymore, all of them are full price now.

i hate growing up. i hate having to get a job. if i had a job i didn’t hate, it wouldn’t be that bad. there isn’t much out there for me not to hate. i really need to get my smart serve dealy. those certification things are pricey. i wonder when i can do this? maybe i should get a job now. i hate working. blah. forget jobs, i have to worry about auditions in 16 days. dear lord. i really don’t think i’m ready to go. i’m not stable in my life right now, so changing everything would not be a good idea. does anyone know how the acceptance thing works? they usually say it’s good for a year, so what exactly does that mean? i’d hate to throw away opportunities just because of bad timing.

it’s not just my head that’s screwed up either. i’m really poor. i have no clue as to how i’m going to afford school. i really should go to a close school, but that still costs money with transportation and all that. and then there’s all the forms you have to send, and i’m just not in the mindset right now, or ever, to go through things with my parents and get all the stuff i need. everything is a huge task that’s detrimental to my health. i see why my doctor wants to increase my dosage now. just the thought of everything to come is putting me in a panic attack. i haven’t had enough of nothing yet. i need more time to not care. fucking deadlines. it’s time like these i almost wish someone would die just so that people would give me an excuse to not do anything. i know that sounds horrible, but it’s the only time when people will validate a break. even that’s iffy these days. it’s sad that the only reason people ‘deserve’ a break is because someone died.

the only reason i wanted to go to university is so that i could stay in school and not work. instead, i’m going to have to do both at the same time because my parents aren’t rich. i’m sorry, i’m just being bitter now. i shake my fist at you world. you owe me something big.

never ever watch romantic/sappy/happy tv shows while your boyfriend is away. i was an idiot. i couldn’t stop myself though. now i’m done the whole series and it only took a whole day of my life. not much to lose considering i could’ve wasted it doing nothing, hah. now i’m horribly bored and i should turn my computer off, but i’m not going to because it’s my only means of entertainment until the rest of the world wakes up. in that case, i might as well start downloading something else, but what? let’s peruse the selection; i have simpsons, family guy, simpsons, and possibly south park. i’m not sure though. i don’t really use a desktop anymore, so it’s hard to tell what’s what. by that i mean, i could’ve already downloaded that season but not have moved the torrent to my torrent file. *le sigh*

it’s only just saturday. i think it’s time to read some history to cheer myself up. or will it only make me want him more? tough call, but i’ll only think about it anyway, so i might as well read the actual words. plus, it gives me something to do.

speaking of plus, the new messenger and plus! are finally out and they’re not beta. i’m really enjoying them so far. i’ve proclaimed my love for my show using the personal message that messenger allows you to add now. you can now have entire choruses of the song you love in your name. or better yet, a direct link to the song you’re listening to on wmp. as if anyone uses that to listen to music. as if we need longer names as it is. . . as if!

i really wish i would’ve tried harder in high school. i’m going into the right thing, but i would’ve liked the option to go to university to become a journalist/writer or lawyer. lawyer was on my list for a really long time. so was marine biologist. both i could’ve done if i had tried a little harder. although marine biologist would’ve been a little harder to do in ontario. i’d probably have to move to some coast-side school, which i couldn’t possibly afford. (i just found out that the personal messages in your name don’t get put into your name in the message window . . . thank god, those innovators at msn were thinking.) i really do enjoy writing though. it’s always been one of my hobbies, i mean, i’m doing it right now. i guess i’ll combine both of my loves when i become a successful singer/composer. music and writing joined together in the world of me. it’s an interesting prospect, i’ll say that. but yeah, higher marks in english would’ve been nice, along with everything else. i have to pee, i’ll be right back.

i’m really into shoes, hats and purses now. i guess it’s just accessories. i hate to say this, but i need a job. but i hate having commitments. that’s the part i hate most about school and vocal lessons;the fact that i have to go there and there’s no way to avoid it.

see what happens when i’m inside for too long? i rant endlessly about accessories and somehow come to the conclusion that a job is a good thing. how in hell did that happen? i cannot wait until my nineteenth birthday. what a relief that will be. then i can get a job being a stripper. just kidding, i would never do that. . . on a regular basis. only for fun and only once with a friend because we said we would one day. damn this techno-dance crap i’ve gotten addicted to. i’m listening to paul oakenfold, but i really like it.

okay, i’m all written out. well, not really, but i can’t think of anything else to write about. i wish i could drink, that would make things more fun.

i’ve started watching another cancelled show. this one was cancelled a little closer to now though. but again, i used to call it a crappy show that i hated, so i can’t tell you what it is. i really like it. i’m addicted. i’ve already downloaded the last three seasons. i also got a subbed version of escaflowne. it’s not a fansub either because it’s a multi-language version. i love those duel language versions. they’re so neat. if i ever get too tired to read, i can just turn the english version on, but i never will.

there was something else i was going to write about, but i can’t remember what it was now.

i’ve dropped some bad habits. not entirely, but i’m working on it. the degree of badness has gone down. i had a dream that someone had found me out, and it was so bad.

i got the laurier course book yesterday. it looks pretty interesting. i have to say that if i got into brock and not laurier or western, i’d be extremely disappointed and would consider not going to university for a year. i really don’t want to go to st catharines, plus i have friends at western and friends at waterloo which is just down the road from laurier.

my internet has been really slow lately. it was going so fast earlier too. this is driving me nuts. i should probably turn my computer off at some point, but not until i’m finished downloading the last season of my new found show.

i guess that’s it. oh, there’s something i want too, but i haven’t got the courage to ask for it again. plus there are other things that influence the decision. but still, it’s there.