i’m bored and upset. for the moment i’m mostly confused, but i’m sure my confusion will dissolve to disappointment and hopelessness by tomorrow.

my last post was a lazy one, but i intended to write another one sooner than now. and if i didn’t suck so bad at formulating and typing sentences, which i apparently do, this one would be coming along much faster. if you don’t want to read all about the party or any of my random thoughts, here’s the ending for you: i overthink and overanalyze everything. now onto the details.

friday night i spent with tal and jeff. we played some mini-putt where those two got holes in ones and i almost won the whole thing. lousy jeff and his use of the force. it was after midnight when we were done and we felt like eating chinese food. what a better place than downtown. makes sense to me, plus they’re open at that time. so we go and we drive around for a while trying to find the open chinese restaurants. hold on one second, i’m writing an e-mail. then we got chinese food and jeff found a hair in his noodles so that was really gross. then we went home. forgive my lack of story-telling enthusiasm.

saturday was jeff’s party. that was good. random mix of people and small social crap that i don’t want to care about. yeah whatever. it was fun. i had a good time. personal thinking crap ensued, as it always does after weed. i talked myself out of it and had a good night with jeff.

i wish i wasn’t so insecure. i also wish i wasn’t such a terrible person, because that would help me be secure. when i’m honest with myself, i know i wouldn’t want that anyway, no matter how much it seems i do. i think i’m due for another speech. not so much for what’s being said in it, but for the effort and care that it takes to say it. that shows more than what’s actually said, but the words are great too. saying that speech shows me that you want me to know how much you care. i’m crazy, but you know that. and i’m going to sleep, because i’m really hot and i don’t know why.

3:42 a.m. – happy belated birthday talena! you are now 19 and can partake in drinking festivities that occur in public places. not long for me now. only two more weeks. you bastards better not go anywhere before that! that would just be cruel. cruel, i say! bastards (once more for something). and i have a doozey of a question to ask. this is going to be great. ha ha ha, i’m so evil.

i ran across this and thought it was pretty entertaining:

78 reasons to hate Star Wars: Episode I
64 reasons to hate Star Wars: Episode II

i’m going swimsuit shopping tomorrow hopefully. then i’m going to head over to sean’s and just chill. then i have jeff’s game at night. i just thought of something great. too bad it’ll never happen. i was supposed to be busy in london tomorrow, but i don’t have to do that now. hooray, kind of.

i laugh too much. i hate the way i look when i smile, so i don’t know why i do it. i pretty much laugh at everything if there are people around. tv shows and movies don’t make me laugh out loud, but if i’m watching it with someone else, i’ll be more likely to show that i’m laughing. aside from that, i just laugh when i’m happy. laughing is like smiling for me, i guess. jeff thinks i’m always laughing at him for something, but it’s usually just because i’m happy about being there with him. or he’ll do something that i love because it’s just him, and i’ll laugh because i love it, not because it’s actually humourous in any way. everything he does just makes me happy.
my exam was pretty easy. i also got $50 back for my textbook. that goes to my mom though because she paid for it, so i’m still poor. all i have is borrowed money. i’m so poor. i don’t want to complain about that. i can’t really think of anything else to write . . . star wars.

i saw episode three last night. i thoroughly enjoyed it. i’ll definitely see it again. or i would if the occasion were to arise. some of the lines were cheesy as hell, the pacing was off for the entire thing, but it was still the best of the first three in my opinion. although it was a good movie, it still doesn’t compare to four, five and six. it’s only a legendary movie because of the unveiling of darth vader and not because of the incredible story telling. on a movie level, it was just average. it gets bonus points because of it’s relation to the star wars saga. there’s also a lot that happens off screen which makes it better. all in all, pretty damn good.

now i’m done i think. jeff’s party on saturday. should be good. that’s the end of that chapter.

i love dreaming. it helps me sort out my real life. i look to dreams to help decide what i truly know deep within my being. that sounds so cheesy, but that’s the least cheesiest i could make it, really. dreams are great. i think i agree with jeff that i feel more tired after i dream though. sometimes that’s how it is, but i’m tired most of the time anyway, so it doesn’t really make a difference. i just know that i love to dream and when i can’t remember my dreams for a couple of days, i don’t like it.

um, i have an exam tomorrow, but i’m not worried about it at all. it’s mostly essay form, which i’m great at. everything that involved an essay i’ve always kicked ass in, so much so that my teachers write it in my report card, tell me how great it was, or both. so, i’m really not worried. i write really a lot. i do notice these literary quirks i suppose they’re called. i’m about to finish a bag of salt and vinegar chips. i didn’t eat the whole thing, but considering there’s a pool party on saturday, i really don’t need these. i’m going to exercise at some point tomorrow. tonight i’m going to do my muscle building exercises. it’s funny, i’ve only been doing them for like a week tops, and i think i see a difference. my body’s good like that though. it responds to things pretty fast. i guess that’s how i lost fifteen pounds in less than three months. considering i could’ve lost a total of twenty-four pounds safely, but i probably gained at least five pounds of muscle, that’s really not that bad. considering the amount of energy i’ve been expending compared to what i used to, i probably gained a lot more than five pounds of muscle because i continued to lose weight after i stopped working out religiously. enough about that because i don’t like thinking about it.

well, i’m tired and i want to go bed. not really, but . . . i didn’t have an end to that sentence. i’m off to criticize my body for not looking the way i want it to. stupid body.

i’m wistful at the moment. i’m home alone because i’m not allowed to go to my boyfriend’s house without his parent’s permission. i never liked their rules, but now they’re really starting to get out of hand. and i can’t help feeling that jeff feels a sense of relief from being able to blame it on his parents. i suppose that’s what makes it wistful and not just sad. it’s a passive, giving up kind of sadness. along with the longing of jeff wanting me. damn me and my wistfulness. that’s what’s going to get me to actually publish this post. i wouldn’t say this is bad mouthing jeff, it’s just the way i feel. in fact, it’s not bad mouthing anyone, so i shouldn’t feel like i shouldn’t publish it.

got pretty drunk and high last night. i was laughing so hard at one point that i wasn’t laughing anymore, i was crying. i was laughing hysterically. for a moment all my sadness and worries just accumulated into one fit of tears. then it was over as quickly as it came and i was back to laughing again. i think i’m listening to the wrong music. it’s making me painfully honest and passively sad. why do i have to constantly tell myself when he’s not around? passive – what a fitting song. only the name really. the lyrics are just good, but not applicable to my situation. well, maybe a little.

i think my parents are home. yep. hooray? not really. i don’t like my parents being home. i changed my mind. passive is applicable. i guess i’m done spilling my guts for now. just let go. i know it’s there. stop thinking about it and do it. please. i need to be given something.