obliviously obvious

i’m wistful at the moment. i’m home alone because i’m not allowed to go to my boyfriend’s house without his parent’s permission. i never liked their rules, but now they’re really starting to get out of hand. and i can’t help feeling that jeff feels a sense of relief from being able to blame it on his parents. i suppose that’s what makes it wistful and not just sad. it’s a passive, giving up kind of sadness. along with the longing of jeff wanting me. damn me and my wistfulness. that’s what’s going to get me to actually publish this post. i wouldn’t say this is bad mouthing jeff, it’s just the way i feel. in fact, it’s not bad mouthing anyone, so i shouldn’t feel like i shouldn’t publish it.

got pretty drunk and high last night. i was laughing so hard at one point that i wasn’t laughing anymore, i was crying. i was laughing hysterically. for a moment all my sadness and worries just accumulated into one fit of tears. then it was over as quickly as it came and i was back to laughing again. i think i’m listening to the wrong music. it’s making me painfully honest and passively sad. why do i have to constantly tell myself when he’s not around? passive – what a fitting song. only the name really. the lyrics are just good, but not applicable to my situation. well, maybe a little.

i think my parents are home. yep. hooray? not really. i don’t like my parents being home. i changed my mind. passive is applicable. i guess i’m done spilling my guts for now. just let go. i know it’s there. stop thinking about it and do it. please. i need to be given something.