obliviously obvious

the people that are usually online at least once a day are nowhere to be seen. i don’t get it. i’ve text messaged them too, but nothing. no one has called me or even been online while i’ve been away. i’m very confused. apart from that . . . nope just confusion. i’d do something about it, but i think i’ve been aggressive enough. i’ve made efforts to contact these people in other ways, and they have done anything back, so it’s now up to them. i don’t want to be annoying or pushy. obviously, something must be very important for no one to say anything to me after a day of nothing. i’d write some of the ideas that pop into my head, but i’d be scared that they’d come true. i’m sure everyone is just being a jerk. that’s the most reasonable and logical answer. unless . . . nope, i don’t think that’s it.

i don’t like weekends now because of the lack of mail. aw crap, it’s a long weekend too. long weekend’s are completely worthless if you’re not in school and don’t have a full-time job. now i want nachos. i miss summer. i wish it would show up faster. i guess technically it is summer, we just don’t do the same things we used to. that’s what i miss. the constant time spent together and the nothingness that had to be done. there were no senseless rules, no hostility, or pressure from all outside influences. things are just fucked up now. they’re not the same. i don’t like it. i can’t tell if it’s me or the actual situation. please don’t comment on that. i’d rather not have anything validated, even if it is in my favour. i’m still waiting on that quality time. at least we don’t need a bit. that last sentence doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me. if it does make sense to you, shh, don’t say anything. i have a reputation to protect.

i’ve been reading random people’s ljs and i’ve discovered a lot of (read 2) people think about things the same way i do. i knew this before, but it’s usually not so exact. the general ideas will be the same, but not the entirely same reasoning or sentiment is behind them. i just wish i knew these people in real life. i suppose it could always be arranged, but it would be very odd and daring. and for what? i doubt any sort of relationship could be forged due to the age difference (only 3 years, but still) and possible distance. and it was only based on their lj. hardly a reliable source of their character. actions do speak louder than words (or so they say). i think i rarely take that statement into account for others, yet i live my own life that way. fun is taken out of life if you just state everything non-chalantly. or added, depending on what you say and to whom you say it.

i think anyone who wants to be with me has to be a strong and resilient person. they really have to put up with a lot of crap because i’ll come up with something out of nowhere that seems so obvious to me, but in reality (there’s that word again) it’s actually not so blatant. isn’t that the whole gender problem? when it comes to anything but me and my feelings, i’ll just say it bluntly and honest. it’s different with me though. i prefer to make people guess. i drop hints and hope they catch on. if they question me, they have to prod and harass me to get an answer. that’s the way i play it and i don’t know why. defense-mechanism i suppose. i want to let people in, i just don’t. then i wonder why things don’t progress. it really is hard to be honest though. there have been many times when i just wanted to say the absolute truth, but it really wasn’t necessary. where do you cross the line? when is complete honesty too much? there are some things that people just don’t need to hear. is life really better that way though? i wonder if i would have so many complexes if the important people in my life had just been completely honest with me. there’s always those facts that are true, but don’t matter either. for example, i’m a selfish person, but people love me anyway. it’s a fact that i’m selfish, but it doesn’t matter. thinking is bad.

all that because no one is online. okay, seriously, where is everyone?

i am so bored right now. i really have to pee, so i suppose i should do that before it gets any later. i hate not having a bathroom down here. maybe i’ll try to be asleep before 8 a.m. tonight. i got up at 1 today though, so that was a plus. i didn’t really do anything though.

there’s this thing that’s really bothering me right now, but i don’t want to think about it, so i’m not going to write about it. i can’t do anything about it now anyway. whatever happens at this point is going to happen no matter what. the way that life is going right now, it would make sense that the worst possible outcome will happen. that’s just the way it works: everything bad occurs all at once. i guess that means it could apply to university too. although, that would kind of help my other situation, but i’d be devastated. that’s a tough call.

i’m a really jealous person, but it’s only with jeff. i was never this jealous with past boyfriends. with the exception of one, none of them were serious though. still, i was never jealous of anyone with the other one. i think it’s just because of reasons that i implement in my head. i believe a certain way of thinking is being done but not said, whereas i’m used to it being said but it doesn’t bother me because it’s obvious that i still win. because it’s not being said, i think there’s a reason for that, and the reason being i don’t win. this is all done subconsciously until right now when i worked it out. i can’t help it though. there are times when i know that i win no matter what. more often than not i’m doubting and questioning myself. oh me and my problems. i’m such a basketcase.

three weeks and two days until my birthday. i don’t know if the whole cabin thing is going to pan out. if it doesn’t, i might just have a private room in a club. i don’t even like the sound of that. i don’t know what i’m going to do. some great gifts for me are lingerie, money, clothes or a cabin. ha ha ha, if you have a cabin, let me use it for a weekend. seriously. you don’t want to go to some shitty club, do you? i kind of really don’t. ooh, i need a bikini too. maybe someone can come swimsuit shopping with me and then pay for it/half of it. that can be a gift. i wish i lived in the states so i could get victoria’s secret lingerie. they have such a good sale on right now. i’d order some, but the deals are kind of lost with the exchange plus s&h.

i need to take that bartending course soon. just when i’m about to get out of responsibility, there’s another one to take on. i just wanted to be free of it for a while. when i’m done that, i’ll have to get a job. the hours will be when everyone else is out, so me turning 19 will be a total waste. but man, will i be raking in the cash and i’ll need it very badly. this might be my last summer in mississauga too. i can’t think like that. i don’t like jumping to conclusions. it’s too heartbreaking.

i guess that’s it. i have to go pee now.

i just had to say that i need some quality alone time. i haven’t had that in a while. usually when i start feeling this way and doubting everything, some time to just be there is all i need to know that i’m right. everything that i know is still exactly how i know it. i just need to be balanced out. some quality time will be quite the remedy as it’s been a long time. now i’m looking forward to it. that’s if it’ll happen. right now, this is more of a need than a want. i’ll see how things go.

8:18 p.m. – i got accepted to brock. big whoop. it’s nice and all, but it’s not where i want to go. i remembered today that western is one of the universities that send out acceptances last (or so i’ve heard), so there’s hope yet.

right now i just want to be held. i realize that i don’t like writing in my journal anymore because no one reads that. i like the idea that if i write something here, people will be able to take things from this and apply it to real life the next time i see them.

i had a whole post related to that last sentence, but i decided that it was in my best interest to not publish it. the main point is, i think too much but all of it is important to me. i need some changes, and i know they can be done. it’s just a matter of trying for me. it’s still there, it just needs oomph (that’s irony for you).

3:06 a.m. – i still haven’t heard from western or laurier yet. i’m very, very anxious now. i’m just about ready to kill myself if i don’t get in, because right now, that’s exactly the kind of thing needed to push me over the edge and validate my worthlessness. yeah, yeah, self-pity is for losers and all that. guess what? i’m a loser. shocked? you shouldn’t be.

being in a bad mood sucks assballs. it sucks even more right now because i don’t know why i feel this way, and that bothers me too. i feel like going to a fetish club. i’d only want my music played though. an industrial/techno club with pvc costumes and the like. the music ultra loud and green spotlights with dry ice machines. that’s the kind of mood i’m in. i’m in a bitch mood. i want to give it to someone real bad. i wish i had somewhere cool to go. i really feel like putting make-up on. i know exactly the look i’m going for. thank god for nine inch nails. this is the closest i’m going to get to that club scene i want. damn it.

i needed a sugar fix so badly last night, but we didn’t have a single sweet thing in the house. i had to resort to chocolate milk. it was so good. hahaha . . . chicago – if you leave me now is such a funny song only because i always think of butters singing it. i love that kid. sorry, but it started playing so i had to say something about it because i like it so much. i’m in a better mood now. i’m still being a bitch, i’m just happy about it. simply because i know the feeling i have now. i love being a bitch. this is awesome. see what i mean?

now i’m not in a bad mood, i’m just bored and want to go clubbing so i can dress up as a goth slut. yeah that’s right, a goth slut. too bad i don’t have any real goth slut clothing. it’s way too expensive and i don’t have time to go looking around for it downtown. fucking toronto. i’ll get you. now i’m just rambling because i don’t have anything else to do. blah. oh god, i hate this song. there used to be a time in my life when i never “used the lord’s name in vain”. now i do it all the time. how things have changed. *sigh* it’s bugging me again. music seems to drive it away. hooray for that!

i’m supposed to play tennis tomorrow. i haven’t updated in a while because nothing’s been happening. i’ve pretty much been staying up ’til 1:00 p.m thinking about a whole bunch of nothing. then i’ll fall asleep, wake up at 6, 7, or 8 p.m depending, then repeat the whole pattern over again. i know i shouldn’t have this terrible sleeping pattern, but i can’t break it. i’m hoping that i can tonight. i’m going to try to get to sleep by 3 and then wake up at noon-ish. this schedule (you have no idea how hard it was for me to remember how that’s correctly spelled) is really messing up my socializing. tal’s back and i haven’t gotten a chance to call her because i’m asleep, in school, or it’s too late to call or do anything anyway. i’ve seen a lot of south park though, that’s a plus. i’m probably missing about 10-15 episodes, and that’s it.

still no reply from laurier or western yet. i’m kind of getting worried now because of some information i stumbled across. whether to trust the source or not is the problem. oh well. nothing i can do now.

i’m finally taking piano lessons again. my nails are too long at the moment, so i’m waiting for a manicure before i practice. wow, i’m really running dry with topics here. i guess i’m done then. just one thing. i feel like something in my life needs to change/grow. i’d like it to be a certain thing, but i don’t think that will happen first. everything will fit in place eventually. i believe that.