i just went to jack astor’s for a bar competition and came home rather drunk. i tried to get in touch with sean but he went to some party with ro so now i’m home. the point is, i’m pretty drunk. almost free drinks will do that to you. i don’t even know how many drinks i had. i’ll just say a lot. woo, hooray for spinning. i think i need to dance away my drunkeness, naked. wow, i’m so gone. i really need to stop signing in as that megan person too. paula knows what i’m talking about. i’m far too gone for my own good. okay, now i’m going to walk to the park to meet sean. g’night.

we went to london yesterday to party it up with caroline and adam and company. we being justin, jeff and i. it was really very fun. caroline’s apartment is really nice considering that’s it’s pretty cheap. road trips are always fun too. got there at about 8:30 maybe and ate some dinner. then we picked up adam and headed back to care’s to start drinking. there was no air conditioning though, so i was sticking to myself, i was that hot. i only had two drinks before we decided to head out to the club. we had to stand in line for about an hour (i don’t have a watch anymore). we got inside and it was much cooler, but not for very long. care and i took to the platform right away, which was equipped with many poles. poles are my forte. it’s just a lot easier and safer to have a pole there when you’re above the ground and slightly inebriated. a pole or some sort of holding device. i don’t like dancing on a platform/high surface without having something to hold onto. we danced for a couple of songs and met care’s friends. they seemed nice enough, but there was some couple drama happening that i didn’t really want to know. i’m dancing away on this platform with care and i’m not even tipsy. there isn’t a lot of room, so we’re both on the edge. i know you’re thinking that this is going to lead to an embarrassing falling off story, but it isn’t. my ass was basically at eye level with every guy standing around the platform. there was this group of guys watching just me dancing. i could see them talking about me and doing all the stuff that guys do when watching women dance in public. one of the guys grabs my arm and says “you really should come dance down here,” i just smiled and shook my head no. he keeps doing that and trying to get me to dance with him. i never did and as soon as justin came over i got him to escort me to the bar just in case that guy decided he’d dance with me, even if i didn’t dance with him. oh and care lent me these awesomely sexy heels that were surprisingly easy to dance in but not so easy to stand in. later on we had these other guys dancing right behind us. care got sick of it, so we moved to the floor and then they left, so we got back on the platform. males can be so hilariously sleazy. one of them even tried to put his arm around my waist. i know that’s not that bad, but it was bad enough for me.

after the club closed, we went back to care’s. it was pretty hot there and she had to work at noon, so we decided to go to adam’s to drink and crash since he lives in a basement so it’s cooler. we dank some more and got drunk and finally at about 6 a.m. we went to bed. here’s the weird part: i slept with adam. as in, the same bed. it’s just funnier said that way. it was kind of weird, but not really since we had separate blankets and jeff insisted that i did it for my comfort; there was only one couch left and it was upstairs in the heat. adam’s bedroom was a lot cooler than upstairs, but i was still hot. oh yeah, no air conditioning again in case you didn’t gather that. i think adam slept on my pillow a couple of times, but that’s the closest that we got. i had some really crazy dreams though. and to make it even more weird, it was like i had woken up and the day had continued so it felt even more real.

i find it amazing how dreams can influence how i feel or intensify the feelings that i already had about people even after i wake up. i know my brain made it up and it wasn’t real, but i’ll continue to feel that way just because it felt real in my dream.

i guess that about wraps up this post. good times were had. i had fun. this friday is canada day. i’ll be spending it with jeff. i don’t know what we’ll do yet, but i’m sure we’ll have fun. wow, july already. crazy.

i’m pretty drunk. drunk enough to be writing this anyway. you know who i love? jeff cutter. i really, really do love him. i can’t stand the thought of being without him. and the thought of him being with someone else drives me up the wall. especially if that someone is that stupid idiot. wow, i can’t believe i’m going to post this, but i am because i’m drunk. cake is really good. i really don’t like her. i know i’m better than her in every aspect (or so i’ve been told by everyone but the person who matters) but i still can’t help feeling threatened. blah. i hate being insecure. it’s not that i think he’d cheat on me, it’s that i think i’m not good enough. that i’m inferior to her. i still cannot believe that i’m actually going to post this. oh well. god, i’m such an idiot. do you see what i have to deal with every day? you see why i don’t want to be me anymore? man, i don’t know how jeff puts up with me. by the way, feedback from jeff about this post would be great. just because i’m drunk and writing everything on my mind. i can always delete it later.

batman begins is an awesome movie. i really liked it. i wish i was going out with a superhero. jeff kind of reminds me of batman though. at least the way he was presented in this movie. that was a good movie. can you tell by my repetitiveness that i’m intoxicated, because i am you know.

okay, time for bed and episodes of the simpsons and clone high. oh clone high, so hilarious. i love you jeff. i love you more than anything else in the world. yes, i do know what i’m saying, i just can’t think of a reason right now (i just typed with instead of right) to not post it. okay, goodnight. enjoy my loving ramblings about jeff.

i just never learn. i can’t help myself. i’m so dumb and i keep doing it. what the hell do i need? maybe i need some cake. no, then i’ll just get fat and hate myself even more. i’m so tired of being me. all i do is go on and on and think and then think some more. i never do anything. idiots out there will say, “just change.” how about you just change? changing your whole personality is extremely difficult at best. that’s why i hate being me. i just want to be someone else. maybe someone a little dumber so that i think less. i think that’s why i’ve been thinking so much about settling down and having kids. just give in and have the simple kind of life. not that raising children is easy, it’s just the societal norm, so everyone accepts that alone. i’ve probably lost most of you by now. i don’t think my life now is complicated by any means. only my version of it is. on paper, or to other people it seems relatively easy. i make it difficult for me. which is why i don’t want to be me. by settling down and having kids i’m being everyone else and not me, thereby making life “easy”. my thinking is that i shouldn’t make it easy for myself, i should try for the most i can achieve, whatever the cost or difficulty may be. but then i’m being me again instead of someone else. have you read this? this is just a fraction of how i think every single day. this is it, all the time for me. it’s really annoying. i just want to turn my brain off (or the world) and let time pass. just let things be. freeze a fantastic moment and live in it forever. smart people weren’t meant to be poor. not that i’m a genius, but i’m smart enough to know that i’m too smart for my own good. whine, whine, whine . . . that’s all i do. yet, i keep going. another reason why i should get married: i should never be left alone. nor do i want to ever be alone.

i don’t even know who i am, but i know i don’t want to be this anymore. i just want to accept things for face value and stop questioning everything. stop worrying and thinking and just enjoy the ride. that’s the ability i want. i’m a dreamer and i don’t know when to stop dreaming. i always want more, so i end up with nothing. i’m sorry for that. blah. i need to sleep. or run. i need to take up something. preferably horseback riding, but a job would be nice too. i should go to that bartending thing. i’ll be a new person there and make some friends (hopefully) and then get a job . . . somewhere. *sigh* i’m so sad. i’m such a joke. what am i? who do i think i am? what the hell is this? whatever.

just for fun because it’s a new feature (i think i look like ass in the second picture by the way):

awwww . . .

i enjoy reading items from the past and realizing that absolutely none of the goals which were supposed to be met in the “near future”, have still not been met five years later. that’s quite comforting to me as it quells the frustrated anger that usually occurs while reading the perceived notions of a clearly inferior specimen. the same incomplete goals are also the cause of unfair advantages which were supposed to be given only on the condition of the goals being actually met. they have not been met to this day, yet favours are still handed out. i don’t know if it’s ignorance that leads to the blatant favouritism, or just out-and-out indifference for the one side. either way, it’s obvious and vexing.

that’s all i really needed to say. i’m glad i reminded myself to gain a little perspective on the situation. it cleared things up and boosted my confidence. shame on me for needing to stand on someone else’s back to see through the crowd. though, is there really any other way in this world? i’m sure my comeuppance is due, if it has not already been paid. at least i’ve gotten most of mine out of the way already. we’ll just see what happens from now on.

i feel like crap right now, physically and emotionally. i know i shouldn’t but i just do. and there’s nothing to blame or a cause. there is kind of, but i can always work on that one. i feel fat and unattractive. there you go. that’s what i’m not saying, but just said anyway. and the other thing is one of those things where i know it’s not going to happen, and i know it’s not my fault, but i still feel like crap from it. i’m just sympathetic, unless it’s supposed to be the empathy one. whatever. as much as i know it’s nothing, i can’t shake it. i feel like shit and that’s it. something just happened that made it that much worse, and i know it shouldn’t, but it’s just little things like that at the wrong moments that really fuck with my head, a lot. i have to stop doing this. i promised myself i would. i don’t know what else to write about this. i feel really fat right now. normally i do something about it but i’m just too tired to right now. plus it’s two in the morning. there isn’t a lot to do. it’s funny how the one thing i want right now, i’m not going to get, for the same reason that i feel the way i do. only halfly though.

i changed my mind. i don’t care now. i’m stupid. very stupid and i need to learn, fast. however, i do feel fat, but not sassy.