obliviously obvious

i just never learn. i can’t help myself. i’m so dumb and i keep doing it. what the hell do i need? maybe i need some cake. no, then i’ll just get fat and hate myself even more. i’m so tired of being me. all i do is go on and on and think and then think some more. i never do anything. idiots out there will say, “just change.” how about you just change? changing your whole personality is extremely difficult at best. that’s why i hate being me. i just want to be someone else. maybe someone a little dumber so that i think less. i think that’s why i’ve been thinking so much about settling down and having kids. just give in and have the simple kind of life. not that raising children is easy, it’s just the societal norm, so everyone accepts that alone. i’ve probably lost most of you by now. i don’t think my life now is complicated by any means. only my version of it is. on paper, or to other people it seems relatively easy. i make it difficult for me. which is why i don’t want to be me. by settling down and having kids i’m being everyone else and not me, thereby making life “easy”. my thinking is that i shouldn’t make it easy for myself, i should try for the most i can achieve, whatever the cost or difficulty may be. but then i’m being me again instead of someone else. have you read this? this is just a fraction of how i think every single day. this is it, all the time for me. it’s really annoying. i just want to turn my brain off (or the world) and let time pass. just let things be. freeze a fantastic moment and live in it forever. smart people weren’t meant to be poor. not that i’m a genius, but i’m smart enough to know that i’m too smart for my own good. whine, whine, whine . . . that’s all i do. yet, i keep going. another reason why i should get married: i should never be left alone. nor do i want to ever be alone.

i don’t even know who i am, but i know i don’t want to be this anymore. i just want to accept things for face value and stop questioning everything. stop worrying and thinking and just enjoy the ride. that’s the ability i want. i’m a dreamer and i don’t know when to stop dreaming. i always want more, so i end up with nothing. i’m sorry for that. blah. i need to sleep. or run. i need to take up something. preferably horseback riding, but a job would be nice too. i should go to that bartending thing. i’ll be a new person there and make some friends (hopefully) and then get a job . . . somewhere. *sigh* i’m so sad. i’m such a joke. what am i? who do i think i am? what the hell is this? whatever.

just for fun because it’s a new feature (i think i look like ass in the second picture by the way):

awwww . . .