obliviously obvious

here i am, after my first night at 107. i have to admit, it was a lot of fun. it’s kind of a huge blur right now, but it was good, i’m sure. i had two beers, two amaretto and cokes and a rye and ginger. all within an hour maybe. i’m not really sure. all i know right now is that my ears are ringing, my thighs are sore and i’m damn exhausted. tomorrow night at the phoenix should be good. i don’t know what to wear to that. my outfit tonight was pretty good. it’s going to be hard to top this. my outfit that is. i think tomorrow i’ll have to wear less clothing, because i was too hot tonight. now my dog is asking me to go to bed. i guess that’s a good idea. poor jeff didn’t even want to go out tonight. but he did because he wanted me to have a good time. what a sweetie. i love him. he’s so great. and he has to wake up at 7 and do training tomorrow. what a great guy. aww. i’m so happy with him.

okay, time for bed and dreams of jeff, hopefully.

i take delight in other people’s misery when i shouldn’t. maybe that’s why things don’t work out for me the way i want. it always ends up being some twisted version. that’s karma for you.

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about the choices that people make before they’re ready to make those choices. for example, most girls decide that they will have children no matter what. this choice is usually made well before they’re ready to have children, so they then live their lives accordingly to that goal. i’ve been living my life as though i wouldn’t have children. that is, it’s always been my goal, so to speak. i also think that’s only because i’m not ready to have children now, so the very thought of them is something i don’t like, and shouldn’t like. that’s how i know i’m not supposed to have children now. i shouldn’t even be thinking about children until i’ve been with someone for a number of years and i know that i want children with them. it makes sense to me now. the future is something that we have to plan for, yes, but we never know if the present isn’t going to be the future. things always change, for better or worse, and nothing matters in the long run. i don’t even know what i want for my future, let alone for anyone else’s. yes i’m selfish and yes i’m thinking only about myself right now, but i might not in the future. or maybe i’ll be like gwen and need a baby in order to save me from myself. probably more the latter than the former. if i’m as successful as she is (or my husband is) then i won’t mind popping out a few to better myself. if i’m doing it for me, i’m not really bettering myself at all. no point worrying about it now. i’m sure things will work themselves out (delusions at their finest).

in conclusion, i’m open to anything at this point. wherever life takes me, i’ll go. unless it leads to death or poverty. i’ll fight those choices. i’m all about finding happiness, and i have everything i need to be happy right now. so i’ll stay here for a while and try not to screw anything up.

i finally got bored enough to write this. not that it’s a terrible thing to think about, it’s just better as an experience than it is in words.

my parents gave me my presents at home at about six o’clock. i was in a very apathetic mood. i can’t take receiving gifts anymore. i feel so unworthy. i feel like i don’t deserve anything that i get. i don’t really want to write about this crap right now. so i got some good gifts from my parents. pyjamas, lingerie, godiva chocolate, money, vodka and other random things that i like. then at 8ish, jeff picked me up and we headed to the pickle barrel for dinner. sean, paula, and talena joined us. we picked up talena since we were heading to erin mills anyway. paula met us there after work. i would’ve had more people, but my parents were kind enough to pay for the whole excursion and i threw the whole thing together two hours before it happened, so it was easier with fewer people. i had a steak and drank a mai tai. we had some interesting conversations and good laughs. it was fun. i think everyone mixed well and had a good time. of course we started up a friendly conversation with our waitress and basically found out her entire academic history while trying to figure out where we knew her from. i don’t think we ever came to a conclusion, but she was very nice and helpful, so i left her a $21 tip. i now feel like i should’ve given her more. there was some drama with sean’s steak (it’s always sean’s. first the nail and now this) and salad but he got a better steak and a free dessert. the dessert was really good too. paula’s pasta sauce tasted like sex, apparently. it was very tasty, but not quite like sex, i don’t think. sean also spilled his beer on his pants before we left. oh, and he stole a pocketful of toothpicks too. then we headed outside and they gave me their gifts.

we stood around the jeep and i got a beautiful shirt from tal, $50 for la senza from sean, and a gorgeous necklace from jeff, which, i just about died when i saw how spectacular it was. i really have to say that this portion of the day was great. i really enjoyed it. thanks guys.

paula had to work the next day and she was tired, so we drove her home. the rest of us felt like going somewhere else and doing something, so we headed to the fox and the fiddle. on the way there, we listened to sweet amber turned way up for old time’s sake. it was great. i forgot to mention that we drove by the hospital i was born in (credit valley) multiple times. that was kind of nostalgic, even though i don’t remember my birth, hah. at fox and the fiddle we ordered drinks and i got id’d for the first time. then i ordered a tequila shot and a vodka shot for a boilermaker. half way through the first game of pool, i took my tequila shot. these were big shots, but it went down so smooth. i love tequila, i always have. then i tried my first boilermaker. these were big shots, so i couldn’t get all the liquid of the vodka and the beer in my mouth. so when sean saw the vodka not going down, he thought he’d try to wash it down by pouring more beer into my mouth. it had the reverse effect and i ended up spitting most of it on the table and part of it coming up my nose. it was painful, but didn’t put me off doing it again. i took it in two shots this time so i could fit all the liquid in. it definitely leave an odd taste. then i had a sex on the beach and an amaretto and coke. both were tasty. i didn’t really drink that much i guess, but i still didn’t get tipsy even for the first few minutes after the shots. i had fun though. it was a good night.

we dropped tal off at home and headed to my house. sean had work in the morning and jeff was driving him, so we didn’t drink anymore. we watched some tv and crashed pretty soon after that. i was pretty tired. that’s my indication of how much i’ve drank. when i’m tired and not tipsy, i haven’t drunk enough. oh well.

it wasn’t a huge blow-out party, but i can always have one of those later on if i want. i had a lot of fun and a really good time. i also had to provide my id, which was great because now i finally can.

i was in a really low mood all day until jeff picked me up. he literally picked my mood up. he gave me exactly what i needed and i’m so glad for that. everyone really helped me have a great time. i didn’t get drunk but it’s not like i’ve never done it before. besides, it’s expensive to get drunk at a bar.

all-in-all my 19th birthday was a success. thanks a lot everyone.

11:45 pm – i just remembered that i need a bigger bed. that would have made last night even better. i still had my girlish glee afterwards. i’m such a female.

my oh my. what a night last night. i don’t think i’ve ever drunk so much alcohol knowingly. as in, if i’ve drunk that much before, i didn’t know it was that much. i drank about 3/4 of a mickey of cc whiskey, if not more. i believe i had two beers, my memory isn’t really clear on that one. i know i drank some of jeff’s two beers too. the whiskey alone is a lot because, keep in mind, i only weigh 105 pounds. i’m sure most people who weigh more than me would be pretty wasted on the majority of a mickey too. i also took a couple of hits of a doob, just to make sure i was over the edge. the best part of it all: no hangover whatsoever. i’m still waiting for something to hit me. whether it be a headache, or queasiness, or what have you. to be honest, i never get a hangover after and i most certainly don’t get headaches. if i drink too much for me to handle in that specific situation, i’ll throw up while i’m still drinking and then that’s it. i’m pretty sure i’m over my throwing up days. although, i will be legal tomorrow, so i’m bound to have a few more drinking mishaps. it kind of worries me that i have no hangovers. isn’t that supposed to indicate some sort of liver problem? or does it mean my liver’s really healthy? the only thing i experienced was thirst. that seems to be my cure-all now. if i drink at least a glass of water and get five hours sleep, i seem to be fine.

tomorrow’s the big day. i think i’m supposed to go out for dinner with people, but i don’t know who to bring or where to go, or anything really. it’s taken me an hour to write this because i have nothing else to say.

i’ve never been so mentally exhausted in my life. i won’t feel 100% better until later on just because i have to see him, but i’m so glad things worked out the way they did. my body’s still coursing with emotion. i can’t really feel happy yet. too close to everything still. i didn’t intend for this much to happen. i’m still in a weird zone. all i know is that i could never love anyone more. sleep would probably help, so i’ll go do that now.

i hate her. i hate her. i hate her. AHHHHH!! i hate her so much! just shut up! no one cares! all i’ve been doing for the past two nights is sit, think, become frustrated, cry, and repeat. PRIORITIES! fuck her. she’s ruining my life! that’s all she knows how to do. that’s all she’s ever done. ruin things. why is this happening now? why am i asking a question i know the answer to? i hate the way my brain makes connections between random items and people. it makes life a lot harder.

so far, this is the worst birthday weekend ever. the one thing i truly want, i can’t have. maybe it’s all my fault. maybe i just want to go back too badly. but the present is pretty shitty for me, i have to admit. the future’s not looking too bright either. i hate her. she’s taking a spot that there wasn’t room for in the first place. now i’m suffering. the thing that bothers me more is everyone’s blind love for her. this has happened to me before. people loved someone without knowing who she truly was and even though the person didn’t really deserve it at all. despite all the things she had done in the past and the kind of person she had been, they ignored that and focused on a facade. i feel like i should just drop my current life and just move to vancouver or something and start again. i’m sick of running into the exact same type of people over and over. damn harpies!

the chances of me killing myself if i was on a drug are very high. i’m already far too in tune with that crazy, overthinking, realizing part of my brain. i don’t need drugs to realize the kind of stuff people ‘found out’ on shrooms. being ignorant must be great. even having the ability to just turn off that part of my brain would be great. i know too much to be truly happy. maybe it’s just because i’m not focused on anything right now. i’m really damn close to giving up. i pulled myself out once, but i just don’t have any incentive to try now. not a thing. there’s still a part of me that wants to believe. i still have hope, which is why every day hurts so much more. i’m so sick of feeling like crap. i don’t know what would be better for me at this point. i really don’t. i just don’t have the reason to do anything about it. i should stop trying. things work against me when i try.