i really feel like i shouldn’t post this because of how deadly accurate it is, but i’m going to anyway:

Your Existing Situation
Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to her. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut herself away from them.

Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as she has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file. This sense of isolation magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all the more upsetting to her self-sufficiency because of the restraint she normally imposes on herself. Since she wants to demonstrate the unique quality of her own character, she tries to suppress this need for others and affects an attitude of unconcerned self-reliance to conceal her fear of inadequacy, treating those who criticize her behavior with contempt. However, beneath this assumption of indifference she really longs for the approval and esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels listless, hemmed in, and anxious; considers that circumstances and forcing her to restrain her desires. Wants to avoid open conflict with others and to have peace and quiet.

Your Desired Objectives
Wants to make a favorable impression and be rewarded as a special personality. Is therefore constantly on the watch to see whether she is succeeding in this and how others are reacting to her. this makes her feel that she is in control. Uses tactics cleverly in order to obtain influence and special recognition. Susceptible to the esthetic or original.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

Your Actual Problem #2
Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality.

http://www.colorquiz.com/

i’m going to write something only because i’m drunk and i haven’t written anything else in a while. it’s pretty sad that i only write when i’m drunk. *sigh* okay, i’m drunk, i admit it.

things are so much more fun when drunk though. okay. i’m going to eat my baked potato and then go to bed. i love you, jeff cutter. heheh.

for once, i’m not overthinking everything. i’m in a state right now where there are things that are happening that bother me, but i just don’t care. now something almost just happened to make me care. luckily, i said something about it and it changed in my favour. it doesn’t happen often, so i’ll guess the other things will go against my favour because of this. it really doesn’t bother me. whatever happens, happens. now i’m going to read and sleep.

just when i was about to write how i happy i was to have a close-to-normal sleeping pattern (2 am-11am give or take an hour) i screw it up somehow. i thought i was tired at around 1:30 and then i just couldn’t get to sleep. then i watched spanglish and now it’s 6:30. it was bound to get screwed with this weekend anyway.

i’m going to work out tomorrow/today. i really need to. nothing complicated, just walking for at least half an hour with upper body weight training (i’m sure there’s a hyphen somewhere in there). i hope i’ll be able to make it without hacking my lungs out. i’m sure i will. my annoying head cold turned into an annoying chest cold. i’m so sick of not being able to sound normal or sing. the plus is that my abs are getting an incredible workout from all the coughing. i got a workout at dinner too thanks to jeff and his crazy antics. okay, they’re not really crazy or antic, i just love everything he does. i still can’t get crazy thoughts out of my head.

i don’t even know why anymore. nothing validates the way i think, yet i continue to do so. i really wish i didn’t. i almost feel like i have to lose it before i realize what i have. god help me if/when i move. maybe i’m just too tired right now. i know exactly what my problem is, but no one can fix it except me. it hurt me to read that. not that, something else that i wrote elsewhere. how did i end up like this? i’m sorry so many people put up with my problems. life would probably be a lot easier for them if they just stopped talking to me. or at least a portion of their lives would be easier.

i finally went to the library yesterday. borrowed around ten books. half of the time i write incomplete sentences. i like to think it’s part of my appeal. i’m wrong, but my thoughts are all i’ve got, despite their fraudulent constitution. i plan on reading some more after i’m finished this. if i ever finish it correctly. the spelling mistakes i’m making are horrendous. maybe i could get a degree in psychology with a minor in music. i’m sure that’s popular! yeah, i know i’m all over the map, but i have a lot of things on my mind with absolutely little time to think about it.

oh boy, now i’m tired. sleep it is. i won’t remember any of the book now anyway.

i’m such an idiot. i was supposed to write about my two year anniversary as well as the drunk thing, but i forgot. things just feel right and good. i don’t know what i’d do without him. i love him. i’m in love with him. he’s always with me. it scares me to think he doesn’t feel the same way, but i can understand if he doesn’t.

i’ve had three dreams in the past week in which i’ve been sobbing uncontrollably. they were very sad things. it made me realize that even in dreams death is hard to process. it’s almost like you’re sad for no reason and you feel like you can stop crying at any time. then when you do stop crying, you remember you can never see that person again, and it’s the most devastating thing. i’m tearing up right now. my great grandfather died today. he lived in england so i wasn’t very close to him. it makes it even more of a concept rather than an actual dealing experience. i don’t have anything to remind me that he’s gone, so it’s less painful. i feel as though death is only sad when it’s tragic and not a necessity. i kind of hope i’m senile enough to not know how old and dependent i’ve become. i’ve been thinking about death far too often. i guess it’s just because i’m about to embark on the most meaningful twenty years of my life. when you think about it, life is pretty much from years 20-40. this is especially true if you’re poor because you won’t have enough money to retire and enjoy life again before you die.

okay, time to stop.