Jul 11
the world is not enough
i’m such an idiot. i was supposed to write about my two year anniversary as well as the drunk thing, but i forgot. things just feel right and good. i don’t know what i’d do without him. i love him. i’m in love with him. he’s always with me. it scares me to think he doesn’t feel the same way, but i can understand if he doesn’t.
i’ve had three dreams in the past week in which i’ve been sobbing uncontrollably. they were very sad things. it made me realize that even in dreams death is hard to process. it’s almost like you’re sad for no reason and you feel like you can stop crying at any time. then when you do stop crying, you remember you can never see that person again, and it’s the most devastating thing. i’m tearing up right now. my great grandfather died today. he lived in england so i wasn’t very close to him. it makes it even more of a concept rather than an actual dealing experience. i don’t have anything to remind me that he’s gone, so it’s less painful. i feel as though death is only sad when it’s tragic and not a necessity. i kind of hope i’m senile enough to not know how old and dependent i’ve become. i’ve been thinking about death far too often. i guess it’s just because i’m about to embark on the most meaningful twenty years of my life. when you think about it, life is pretty much from years 20-40. this is especially true if you’re poor because you won’t have enough money to retire and enjoy life again before you die.
okay, time to stop.
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