obliviously obvious

it’s official: i’m “blonde”. next time, i’ll go even lighter. it was really difficult this first time because of all the black that was still in my hair. i still think it turned out nice though. i’ll keep this look for a while. another official item: i’m fat. i’m fat in different places though, so i guess that’s better. i don’t really like the new places getting fatter, but i’m definitely working on it again. that was pretty much all i wanted to say. now, time for bed. some things are just too good to pass up.

i feel so dumb and girlie right now. i have a celebrity crush. it’s not like “i think ____ is hot,” it’s past that now. i’ve always liked him, but recent things that happened to me made me like him more. it’s so dumb. he’s not even that attractive, it’s just what he represents . . . kind of. it’s also just the person that he is. he’s cute, geeky and somewhat childish. i’m just a freak. and i haven’t slept in quite some time. that probably has a lot to do with it. things seem more important and relevant to me with little sleep. that occurs for the good and bad. ha ha ha, i’m such a sucker. i hate it, but i love it. it’s what makes me, me.

in around two hours, i’ll be off to dye my hair yet again. something new that i haven’t really done. i had blonde streaks after my pink, but that’s when my hair was 1. red and 2. short. needless to say, this should be quite the different look. it’ll be interesting to see what everyone says about it at jeff’s party/birthday celebration. i don’t think i’ll keep it for very long. it’s too . . . girlie or normal or something that isn’t me. i think the black makes me look more exotic . . . i guess. maybe i just prefer black. i remember i preferred moni’s hair after she dyed it black. i liked paula’s hair darker too. but black is so normal. i’d like it more if it was a really deep blue, but the blue tint washes out so fast. if this whole blonde thing doesn’t work out, i’ll go to a distinctive brown. lighter than black, but too odd to be a normal brown. an obvious chocolate or auburn brown. i talk too much about hair. what do you expect? i’m a chick, believe it or not. i’d like to do the purple thing at some point. i just realized how i’d like it done too. awesome.

not being jealous, envious, or hate-filled is harder than i thought. especially when it’s right in my face. this is another one of those things where i don’t know if i should be mad or not. i’m pretty sure i should be. again, it’s all perspective and i fear that mine will never be experienced the way it should. i’ve seen it the other way and that’s fine, but i need things to be seen my way sometimes. i want some normalcy, even if it’s fake. i’ll take a lie at this point. i suppose i shouldn’t be writing about this, i should be talking about it. i just fear an argument when that’s the last thing i want.

i could really go for some sort of gelatin dessert. i don’t know why, but that sounds really good right now. maybe if it had marshmallows and fruit in it. mmm. maybe i’ll just have a milkshake instead.

i guess it’s time to come clean. i haven’t been spreading the news that i have two floor tickets to the nine inch nails concert in november at the acc. the problem now is that the person who i thought i would go with bought tickets of his own. i’d go with jeff, but i don’t know how much he wants to go. plus, he’s a fan of nin, but not a huge fan where floor tickets mean something to him. so i’m calling out to anyone who reads this and is a fan of nin and can be in toronto for november tenth. i’d really rather it be a guy, a guy taller and bigger than me (not hard to do), just because the floor gets rather rough. but, if that can’t be arranged, a girl would be fine too. a nin fan would be preferable, of course, otherwise i’ll just take jeff. i think i already have someone else in mind, but i’ll see what jeff says first. by the by, it’s not free. you will have to pay for the ticket at some point. there are no trade-offs either. it has to be cash. if it was my money, i’d let you buy me drinks until it was paid, but it’s not.

i was supposed to get something delivered to me last week, but it still hasn’t come. i wonder which case it was pertaining to? i guess i’ll find out eventually.

in school news, i don’t know if i’m going to the brock audition. i’m pretty sure i’m half a credit short of my ossd, which would mean no university until i get that. unless brock’s really desperate . . . nah, that would never happen. i’m disappointed, i won’t lie, but this is what’s happening so there’s no point in dwelling on it. i’ll work for a year, make some money, and just learn about life. of course i regret it, but i can’t do anything about it now. plus, i have no money as it stands right now. i also have absolutely no work ethic, so i probably would’ve failed my first year anyway. and i mean an actual fail not like how everyone uses the word fail. having responsibility with something that isn’t costing me $20 000 first is definitely a good thing. i know i’m disappointing people that are close to me, including myself, but i’m not in a rush. even now, i have doubts as to whether i want to go for music or something else. however, i’ve heard from two sources that i trust with everything in me, that if you don’t do what you love, you’ll fail. i think that goes double for me. it’s just a matter of deciding which kind of bullshit i’ll hate the least that comes with what i love. this is making me slightly disheartened. i have to stop.

in personal news, i’ve decided to finally stop hating so much and be happy. i’m letting go. it was destroying things too dear to me for me to keep going. all that hate, jealousy and envy was wearing me down, and i’m sure it was beginning to show despite all my efforts to keep it hidden. i just hope that my choices won’t be too destructive in the future. i’m trying to put myself back on track and back to how i used to feel. i’m putting it behind me. i’m cutting everything out. i’m also putting all the advice that i’ve gotten over the past two weeks into practice. i must say, it was all exponentially good, and i just hope that it works. i’m also getting my hair cut and dyed a lot lighter on monday. a light brown with blonde highlights. if it’s not good, i’ll just go back to black, since a lot of people opposed the blonde idea. i think it’ll be good. i’ve been dying my hair black for too long. it’s really time for a change. and then maybe after that i’ll be really bold and let my natural hair colour grow out. it’s a very interesting shade of brown in the right light. it’s almost auburn and purpley. it’s actually very nice, but only in a lot of light, which is a shame. okay, now i’m done.

i’m missing a party, for multiple reasons. i feel really bad, but i have no ride, and i’m physically exhausted. i know i won’t fall asleep until late even though i only got about two hours of sleep last night. i spent the day at canada’s wonderland today as well. maybe it’s more because i’m torn. why do words always get to me? they’re simple words and nothing more. i can’t do anything with those easy words, yet i still hang onto them so. i never learn. i’m still hanging . . . i just can’t let go. maybe i will go. maybe i can get a ride.

side note: i really like fall out boy. some songs are mediocre at best, but in others i absolutely adore his voice.

“you pretty much have to get over things quickly… and if you can’t, you’ll fuck everyone else over, or you’ll dig yourself deeper.” mel’s right. so, i’m going to the party . . . if i can get a ride.

you know how i wrote in a previous post that alcohol makes me do dumb things. apparently, i had no idea how bad it could get. after hearing some of the things i was doing last night, i don’t want to drink again. i really wish i hadn’t drunk so much. i’m so sorry to anyone i may have offended. i’m sorry to myself for letting me get that way. i hate myself so much right now. i really can’t believe the things i did. i honestly turn into a different person when i’m drunk. a person that i hate. i thought i hated myself before. that was nothing compared to this. i can’t even find the shirt that i was wearing in some pictures. i don’t know where it is. i assume it’s somewhere at jeff’s, but i can’t be sure. i really hope jeff isn’t mad at me, but i wouldn’t be surprised if he was. there’s nothing like doing something really dumb and jeopardizing everything to make you realize exactly what you have. fuck, i still can’t believe it. fuck. why didn’t i just stop drinking? oy! i really need to see jeff now. i just need to hear it from him. i need his opinion, whether good or bad.

at least i got a picture of me and jeff kissing. although, it kind of looks like jeff hates me, which maybe he did at the time. i hate me and the things i do when drunk. god damn alcohol. i really want to go back in time. you have no idea how badly i want to take that night back. or at least all the dumb things i did. and that’s only the things i don’t remember. i remember a lot, and that wasn’t any good either. knowing things about people makes life difficult. oh well. it won’t matter in a few years. i say that, but i think otherwise. okay, time to stop thinking about it. why? why did i do those things? why didn’t anyone stop me? why didn’t i stop myself?