obliviously obvious

Rosalind- Charade

You enjoy creating a mask so people don’t get to see the real you
but let me tell you something, listen
closley….. people will like you for what you are.

Which Shakespeare character are you?

i should probably stop doing what i do so i’m not constantly reminded of it. but it’s too much. i can’t help myself. i have to know. i have to keep going. i want to stop, oh how badly i want to stop. curiosity always gets the better of me. and yet, knowing bothers me so.

too much boredom, alcohol, or tiredness all have the same affect on me: i do crazy and stupid things that i would normally never do. or at least later they seem like things i should’ve thought about for more than two seconds before doing them. i think right now i’m channeling all my bitterness because it’s so much better than the alternative that i really want. in saying that, i know i don’t really want it, it’s just because . . . i don’t know why. more than half of it i’m sure is in my head. i also keep thinking about that thing that happened. it shouldn’t have bothered me so much either. in fact, it should’ve helped me to see that i’m more than nuts. but that’s the whole point to me. it’s not so much that i want it as it is that i -can- have it. when i can’t, and i’ve lost so to speak, it bothers me. the fact that it’s seemingly easy to get what i want is even more frustrating. it isn’t as easy as it looks. not in the slightest.

today was a rather fun day, but tiring, only because of the heat i think. went downtown shopping with mel and adam. i didn’t buy anything, but i was tempted many times. i kept holding out for something better, or something more worth the price. hah. i came really close to buying a purse, but only because we spent around an hour in the same store. so i kept looking at it and the purchase seemed increasingly inevitable. luckily, by the time adam was done (what a girl) i was too antsy and tired to care about the damn purse. plus it didn’t really look that good on me. now i’m just making excuses for not buying it. oh. then mel went into this bead shop and spent ten minutes looking at the same beads repeatedly. i was so confused and bored while standing in there. not to mention that we were surrounded only by old and chinese women. i guess it was kind of entertaining thinking back on it, but not at the time.

we’re an odd grouping, but not. i just find it funny how we all met or were introduced to each other and now we’re comfortable enough to be spending whole days together. listening to adam and mel trying, trying being the key word, to understand each other is frustratingly hilarious. they’ll both talk about the exact same thing, but think the other one is talking about something else. so it goes in a terrible circle of questioning and confusion before someone finally gets it. that someone being me in most cases today.

okay, i think i’m finally done for today. i’m tired and dizzy from not taking my pill. i’m not taking it until tomorrow, otherwise i’ll be up all night with no one or nothing to do. and you say it’s because i deserve better.

i don’t know why this bothers me so much. ugh. i can’t think about it anymore. i’m going to bed. i’m sure people feel the same way about me. for all i know, it could happen to me. why shouldn’t it? i shouldn’t sell myself short before i’ve even failed. i think it has to do with my problem of not being able to accept people’s opinions if they differ from mine when i believe that all evidence points to my answer. my fear of pursuing my dream is that i’ll fail because that’s the top, and accomplishing anything else would mean nothing. the only way to avoid failing is to not pursue it at all. stupid logic (i’m sure there’s a proper name for it, i just can’t be bothered in looking it up right now) i know, but it works, sort of. it also has a lot to do with money. right now, i am ready to face the challenges and grow as a person, but there’s still something holding me back. it’s because i’ve only just started to understand who i am. i know university is supposed to help me discover more, but i don’t think it’s the place for me. not yet anyway. it would only help my confusion at this point. i want a little more trust-worthy guidance first. it bothers me to think these things. i feel like i’m lying. maybe i am. the truth: i’m not ready because i already failed in the attempt to learn about pursuing the dream. for once in my life, i truly regret something.

i suppose it’s time to get up and actually do something.

there are some songs that just make me want to have sex and that’s it. just sex. hot, intimate sex, but sex nonetheless. i love playing the sex symbol with that scenario. i get to play passive aggresive bullshit. and now sleep until the camping entry or something else. i missed you tonight mel. i need you to recognize the other side of me. anyway, call me. night.

why does she get all the love in the world?