today, yesterday now, i found myself wanting very badly to start over. not start over, but start fresh. i think the only way i’ll be able to grow as a person is if i cut everyone and everything i know completely out of my life. not forever, just for a while. just until i’ve figured out, for the most part, exactly who i am and what i stand for. i’ve lived most of my life within the confines of my preconceived notion of the opposite of what i always hated: the stereotypical woman. i’ve tried my hardest to always do the opposite of what a ‘normal’ girl would say, do, or look like. as i grew up, i found/find it increasingly difficult to distinguish what i actually feel and what i’ve told myself i should feel. then i always question if i’m telling myself it, isn’t that who i am? then there’s living up to how people used to and still see me. that’s why i have to cut people out. i’ll continue to act how they know me as long as i’m still in touch with them. i’m surprised at how little this decision scares me. i’m still learning from people, but i need to expand my horizons. i have no intention of moving out any time soon, but i’m glad i can look forward to future changes, as opposed to always dreading them. i’ll put it this way: the path i’m on now doesn’t directly lead to my ideal life that i’ve always envisioned. however, the section of life that is ideal for me isn’t necessarily my entire life either. so, i want to live like that at some point, but probably not forever.

i think i really truly love jeff. i think i love him enough to let him go. it still makes me sad, and i’m still tearing up at the thought, but i can deal with it. it’s not because i want to break up with him, go on a break, or fuck other guys. i just really want what’s best for him and for me. staying together when i make this big life change may not be the best idea. that’s a bridge to cross when we get there though. i’m just happy that i’ve come to terms with it. i’ve never loved anyone so much. i didn’t think i could. i didn’t think it existed in real life.

i start my bartending course on sunday. i’m trying to look forward to it. i’ll tell you what i am looking forward to: my parents going away for two weeks on october 22nd. i’ll be having a party every night for those who can attend. on the 28th and 29th i’ll have halloween parties. one of them will be the official one and the other will just be a party. i just wish my house wasn’t so crappy. oh well. if i move some stuff, it’s not too bad. plus i have a park just a stone’s throw away, so walks to there while drunk are fun. then a final bash on november fourth before my parents get home on saturday. i could even have one on saturday, but my parents would be back by midnight or one.

things for me to do by the end of the year:
- get a job
- finish last course
- learn to drive/get g2?
- get hair dyed way lighter
- get five point industrial spiral
- do forty hours of volunteering (or make it up)
- sign up with an agency for modeling

the last one will have to be done after my industrial has healed so i can take it out for shoots etc. that’s why i need to get it done sooner rather than later. i’m looking forward to the money i’ll be making from bartending. it takes away weekends, but it’s worth it. i have this really bad habit of thinking random thoughts. they’re out there even for me. i’m doing it right now, as i type. i don’t mean to, it just happens. but a lot of the time, it’s not too far from the truth. it’s weird that way. anyway, sleep for me, i hope. i didn’t wake up until 4pm because i was dreaming. i’m assuming that was the reason. i don’t know the real reason, but it’s annoying.

i don’t know how to feel right now. i’m in a happy moment, but it’s like something else is trying to bring me down. the angle that’s being brought to my attention isn’t bothering me as much as it used to. i’m actually finding it adding to my happiness. not to mention that i’m just presuming a lot of things, and the real answer could be anything. is it always best to assume the worst, even if you’ll never find out the truth? i just hope it doesn’t interfere with my plans, or cause me to start planning something else. not like i’d be successful, even if i did try. i just have to let go. so far, with all the test thoughts, i’m okay with it.

my celebrity crush of the moment is tom delonge. crush seems like the wrong word. it’s a semi-romantic admiration. not even semi. i don’t know. i have no intentions or thoughts of any romantic encounter with him, i just like who he is. i don’t know if i think he’s attractive because of that, or if i thought he was attractive and then liked him. i think it was a mix of both. it’s not like i want to marry him or anything, i just like the guy and i happen to find him attractive. i would however like him to like me. this kind of thing doesn’t really happen to me a lot with people i know, but when it does, i usually have to have them, one way or another. of course, it’s usually romantically based when involving someone i know.

it’s really weird thinking back to before jeff and i were a couple. i don’t see him as the same person anymore. he is the same person, i just see him differently. we’ve been through so much together. we’ve done the whole role-reversal thing with a few different situations. even though it’s been so long, he still has the ability to surprise me.

i’m too tired to continue. sleep time pour moi.

yesterday was an awesome time in london. started drinking at 3 and didn’t stop until i don’t even know. i think i went to bed at 4 am, but i can’t be sure. no hangover again. i did however have another unbelievably realistic dream. i completely blame adam’s bed. it fucks me up when i have dreams that are so accurate. when i woke up, it was a total mindjob. i don’t think i want to sleep in that bed again. although, it is rather comfortable . . . but the mindfucking is too much. lots of laughs on the ride there and back, and of course at the actual shindig. a good time was certainly had by all. oh yeah, and my parting gifts from the event were these: the blogger image thing isn’t working for some reason, so i hope there aren’t like fifty versions of this picture the next time i look at it.

i’ve been hit with this really anxious feeling and i don’t know why. it’s also mixed with this overwhelming urge to apologize for things. i think the apology thing is because i’m broke and i feel bad when jeff pays for me. there’s some hardcore guilt when i read that sentence. it makes me feel useless, which in turn reminds me of how little i’ve done, which makes me anxious because i hate myself. i have this general feeling of wanting to unload all my crap too, but there isn’t anything in particular or even generally that i haven’t shared or is bothering me on a mental level. i’m confused as to why i feel this way. maybe i’m not telling the right people? i feel like i’ve lost my centre, my balance. i’m not grounded anymore. it’s really odd and unnerving. i’m looking at outside circumstances, but maybe it’s just a change in me. do you go with a change even if you don’t want to? can i change to the very thing i don’t want? too many questions and paths. this is what getting mindfucked does to me. fucking dreams. sometimes i really hate them. although to be honest, my dream had nothing to do with any of this, it was just incredibly realistic and accurate. it’s still freaking me out.

i think part of how i feel has to do with london too, in some way. it’s almost a symbol for me of everything that could have been and everything that could be. and while some of it is good, it also leads me to some places i don’t want to think about right now. i suppose if i’m not ready to face them, it’s not a change i want to make.

i want to get into modeling again, but with an agency. i want my five point industrial ear spiral more though. i’d really rather get it sooner than later. i’m already two years behind schedule for my first tattoo. i still haven’t seen anything that i’d want on my body forever. i was thinking of getting a lip piercing, but i decided against it because it’s just too damaging. i really like my face too much. plus i think they’re sexier on guys than on me, unless the guy is on me. ha ha ha, get it? yeah i suck. due to that criminally bad joke, i will go. i good you bid evening.

you’ll buy me one of these. and how all my clothing gifts should be, this should be made to what you think will look good on me, not what you think i’ll like. i can buy what i like, but i can’t buy what you think looks incredibly awesome and sexy on me. only you can do that.

7:06 am – sometimes i don’t know why i even bother having ‘friends’. even out of the select few that i do have, they’re still more like those fake friendships that i hate oh so much. they’re not based on the person’s niceness, however. if they were, they wouldn’t exist. i guess they’re based more on time than anything else.

think what you will of me, but know that you are wrong.

i want these. and these. i just wish i knew how high the heel is. i hate anything less than 3 1/2″, unless it’s not a pump/stiletto. these are nice too. and i love these boots. i’m a boot and shoe whore.

i am no longer pursuing modeling. i don’t want to talk about it, so i’m not going to.

i registered for bartending today. i’m dreading it. maybe it’s just my mood today, but i really, really, really don’t feel like learning things with a group where i have to be all nice and sociable. i am not your friend. i’m here to learn, not make friends. apparently i’m different to the majority of people. most people have friends who aren’t really their friends because they don’t like anything about them, nor do they have anything in common, yet somehow just because they’re ‘nice people’, they’re a friend. personally, i see this as a big lie. i can understand how you can spend time with these people if you have to, because they’re nice and don’t do any harm. they may even be somewhat fun to be around in certain situations. what i don’t understand is how you can call them a friend and see yourself as obligated to them in any way. people that i had classes with who i talked to occasionally and didn’t hate, were not my friends. yes they were nice people, but they weren’t my friends. i enjoyed spending time with them when i was with them, but i wouldn’t go out of my way to spend time with them because they’re not my friends. and i think i’m just ranting now because it’s kind of a personal chip that i have, today was not a good day, and i don’t want to talk about what’s really bugging me. i never will talk about it.

i think a few people i know deal with the masses in the same way that i do, but the rest . . . not so much. i just don’t see a point to it. it’s a big lie. that’s what i see it as. if that makes me antisocial, good. i’d rather be antisocial than a liar. i have to stop ranting about this.

good news (kind of bad news too): my first class is october 2nd, which means i can go to meatfest without any limitation. the kind of bad news means that for my last class, my parents will be away, so i’ll have to get downtown by 10am somehow. i’ll cross that bridge when it gets here.

i’m going to go attempt to make myself not look like crap in an effort to make me feel better.