obliviously obvious

yesterday was an awesome time in london. started drinking at 3 and didn’t stop until i don’t even know. i think i went to bed at 4 am, but i can’t be sure. no hangover again. i did however have another unbelievably realistic dream. i completely blame adam’s bed. it fucks me up when i have dreams that are so accurate. when i woke up, it was a total mindjob. i don’t think i want to sleep in that bed again. although, it is rather comfortable . . . but the mindfucking is too much. lots of laughs on the ride there and back, and of course at the actual shindig. a good time was certainly had by all. oh yeah, and my parting gifts from the event were these: the blogger image thing isn’t working for some reason, so i hope there aren’t like fifty versions of this picture the next time i look at it.

i’ve been hit with this really anxious feeling and i don’t know why. it’s also mixed with this overwhelming urge to apologize for things. i think the apology thing is because i’m broke and i feel bad when jeff pays for me. there’s some hardcore guilt when i read that sentence. it makes me feel useless, which in turn reminds me of how little i’ve done, which makes me anxious because i hate myself. i have this general feeling of wanting to unload all my crap too, but there isn’t anything in particular or even generally that i haven’t shared or is bothering me on a mental level. i’m confused as to why i feel this way. maybe i’m not telling the right people? i feel like i’ve lost my centre, my balance. i’m not grounded anymore. it’s really odd and unnerving. i’m looking at outside circumstances, but maybe it’s just a change in me. do you go with a change even if you don’t want to? can i change to the very thing i don’t want? too many questions and paths. this is what getting mindfucked does to me. fucking dreams. sometimes i really hate them. although to be honest, my dream had nothing to do with any of this, it was just incredibly realistic and accurate. it’s still freaking me out.

i think part of how i feel has to do with london too, in some way. it’s almost a symbol for me of everything that could have been and everything that could be. and while some of it is good, it also leads me to some places i don’t want to think about right now. i suppose if i’m not ready to face them, it’s not a change i want to make.

i want to get into modeling again, but with an agency. i want my five point industrial ear spiral more though. i’d really rather get it sooner than later. i’m already two years behind schedule for my first tattoo. i still haven’t seen anything that i’d want on my body forever. i was thinking of getting a lip piercing, but i decided against it because it’s just too damaging. i really like my face too much. plus i think they’re sexier on guys than on me, unless the guy is on me. ha ha ha, get it? yeah i suck. due to that criminally bad joke, i will go. i good you bid evening.