obliviously obvious

so i haven’t been able to go to any of my shoots this week. hopefully i’ll go to one on sunday, finally. tomorrow i’m watching more hockey. yay! i love being a rowdy fan and swearing at our own defense because they suck so bad. i’m glad jeff actually heard me on the bench. that means they all heard me. hooray! i hope they kick total ass tomorrow, as well as everything else going in their favour. they should’ve won this game. it’s hard to have good goaltending when there’s absolutely no defense half the time.

i’m finally going to register for bartending tomorrow or on sunday. i’m kind of looking forward to it, but i’d be looking forward to it more if 1) i had a friend doing it with me and 2) the first day of class wasn’t the day after a huge party in london that i was planning to attend. i might just register for another day. we’ll have to see.

i’ve been developing a lot of celebrity crushes recently. it’s made me realize that i would find it very difficult, i.e. impossible, to date anyone who’s under 6′0. the taller, the better to me. as long as they’re not really lanky and awkward looking. ryan reynolds is like 6′3″, but he’s built, so it’s good. in fact, it’s better than good, but i’m not here to talk about how incredibly hot ryan reynolds is. alanis morisette is a very lucky woman, but so am i. the point is, under 6′0″ is a big no no for me.

i think i’m all done. now i will eat leftover dinner and then go to bed. ooh. tomorrow is the apocalyptica concert. i think i’m going, since jeff didn’t say i’m not, but i never can tell with him. either way, it should be an awesome concert. hooray!

i am so bored right now. i wish i was doing something . . . fun and different. i don’t know what, but something good. i can’t even maintain interest in this because i’m so antsy.

i have this problem where as soon as i make a commitment, i don’t want to go through with it. i’m having a really hard time not backing out of my shoots at the moment. i guess it’s because i’m not completely comfortable with these people, nor do i know them. plus, this whole thing is brand new to me. i’m always edgy and offstandish with new people. i don’t know why that is. i suppose i just skip the part where they find out they don’t like me. that really only happens with chicks though. generally, i’m more comfortable around guys. maybe because they’re nicer to me because they want to get in my pants, or something of that nature. so, i’m all anxious about going through with any of it, but i’m trying to be positive about it all the time. i just have to get over it and go for it.

my first shoot is wednesday morning. i’m making $50 an hour and it should be a two hour shoot. i’m not sure if i get any prints from this one, but it should still be good. my second shoot is that evening at 6:15. this is tfp work and it’s four hours long. i’m doing another tfcd shoot outdoors near square one thursday afternoon. saturday i have a shoot at noon where i get copies of the prints and 30% of all sales of the print. sunday i have a meetup and shoot at 11am. that one should be a lot of fun and it’s leading to another shoot later on. i have to meetup with the producer of naked news to discuss my model segment. i’m excited about that because of the money, prints and the exposure. my big paying job hasn’t gotten back to me yet, which i’m disappointed about, but i don’t even have a portfolio so i can’t be picky. plus, i’ve never modeled for someone else before, so i need all the experience i can get. i’m trying to set up a job right now for $100/hr. i hope it works out how i want it. this has really blown up from when i’ve started. i’m having a hard time choosing which projects i want to sign up for, due to the number and quality etc. i want to be making money, but i also want good prints for my portfolio. i don’t know how many tfp shoots i want to sign up for. i guess i should reply to all and then weed them out.

i thought i’d just update the whole modeling thing. it’s going well. i hope it gets better.

on a whim, i decided to sign up for a free modeling portfolio at onemodelplace.com. you can see it here. i’ve already had a lot of offers, not only for tfp/tfcd work, but some paid projects as well. i know what you’re all thinking; how is this reputable and not some sleazy guy just wanting to photograph nude chicks in his basement? i’ve thought of that risk. most decent and reputable photographers will allow me to bring someone with me to the shoot. also, the location and setting is a big giveaway too. i do my homework too. i check out their profile, which shows their work and who they’ve worked with. it’s all done via e-mail (for now) so there’s not really much risk there. if i decide that something seems too fishy, i don’t have to respond at all. so far, i seem to be getting some good offers. i’ve only chosen to respond to people who are in toronto or closer, simply because if i have to get there by myself, i can. i’ve had people offer to pay for my transportation as well. quite frankly, i’m a bit taken aback by the responses i’m getting. the photos i have up aren’t professional, nor are they exceptional in any way. at this point, work is work. i can make $100-$300/hr for doing something that i’m very interested in. would you turn down that opportunity? if i get some tfp work done, i can add them to my portfolio. i had a few offers from representation too. i’m not looking for that right now. i’d rather be free lance and not have to do the whole agent thing.

i guess that’s all for now. i just wanted to write about this because i’m actually quite excited about some of the opportunities that i’m getting. i’ll be heading to bartender’s school on the 25th, so until then i’m going to work-out every day and see how in shape i can get. now i have motivation! i’ll get some sort of job, probably as a waitress or bartender, and do modeling on the side. this could be an exciting year.

it’s barely september and i already have the school blues. i’m not even going to school this year and i have them. maybe that’s part of the problem. it’s been so long since i’ve actually enjoyed learning or actually learned something. my last two years in high school, maybe even three, i was there simply to get out and not because i had anything else to learn. i progressed passed the high school level such a long time ago. i really should’ve been out of there early, but bureaucracy just sapped any sort of enthusiasm out of me. now i know and now i’ll learn. i’m faced with decision making again. initially i wanted to attend a performance arts school. now i don’t know if i even want to try for that anymore. i think i need a little diversity in my education, for my mental health at least. i’ve been beginning to doubt my choice of western too. i’ll talk about this later as this wasn’t what i had planned.

i miss everyone already. none of us are very far, but i still have a sense of longing. i almost wish i hadn’t connected with so many people this summer. keeping distance makes things easier. i’m focusing too much on the future and what could be instead of now and what is. at this point i don’t know which one i like better. it’s not like the future is completely hopeless, it’s just completely different. let’s face it. we’ve got two years, possibly less, before people start living new lives and distancing themselves. there’s always a choice though. it’s true that some friends are only friends because you keep them that way, and you have nothing in common anymore except the past. personally, i don’t mind that kind of relationship. who’s to say that person isn’t/wasn’t in your life for a reason. if you just let go, then what’s the point in making friends in the first place? i’m guilty of this attitude though. at least i know i’ll let go and i just don’t make friends instead of letting go afterwards. again, i’m one to hold on with everything i have though. i’m a pack rat for one. plus i have these weird coincidences in my life that bring past things into my present. it’s really weird. it’s not with insignificant things either, it’s with big portions of my life. it usually takes a while, looking back on it, but it always happens one way or another. that’s why i’m so sure of ________ happening. paula once described it as everyone and everything circling around me, and it’s like i just orchestrate my life the way i want it. it’s close, but with more surprises than i’d like. i’ll just say that my life is weird, to say the least.

i’m dying to go to a concert. i really, really need to see incubus again, but the nin concert will have to do. there’s the apocalyptica concert too, but i told jeff he didn’t have to bring me if he didn’t want to, so i’m not psyching myself up for it.

i just looked at my msn list and i definitely miss people. i can feel impending separation and it’s too much right now. blah. maybe i’m just too tired. i kept waking up almost every half hour. i knew i had to be up by two pm, but i got up at 11:45 am for some odd reason. i did enjoy my dreams even though they weren’t exactly good.

totally unrelated topic: i wish i could surf. i’m sure i wouldn’t appreciate the ocean or the beach if i had grown up in cali, but god do i wish i lived there now. that’s not true. i bet i’d love it more if i grew up there. that seems to be the trend. i wish i was super rich too. life would be so much more enjoyable and easier. one day. it’ll happen. everything happens for a reason.