i’m torn right now because i want something, but i don’t know if it’s even possible to have it. maybe it is just the timing. maybe it’s just not meant to be. maybe i’m too tired for this and should go to sleep.

i’ll update later today. i wrote down some random thoughts on my bus ride home. what happened? where did it go wrong? is there anything left to salvage and is it even worth it? but i can’t let go. i can’t let go of memories, so how in the hell am i supposed to forget a person when they’re constantly there? it’s really weird that i can’t write about this in my journal. it almost feels too permanent, too real for me to write it down. i might come to a conclusion that i don’t like. i might realize things that i don’t want to see. i said i could let go. i said that i loved him so much that i could do it. it wasn’t supposed to be like this. it was supposed to leave both of us happier, not in doubt and confusion. oy vey.

my regular sedative kicks in yet again. too much pressure, too many options and too many consequences.

5:32 pm – i’m desperately lonely and bored. i don’t know what to do. i want to call or something, but i feel as though i shouldn’t/can’t. i don’t know what to do with myself.

i should be sleeping because i have to wake up and go to my last bartending class. i also have to get there by taking the bus and the subway. i might just skip the bus part and take a taxi to the subway. by the looks of it, if i want to make it on time, i’ll have to take a taxi. the first bus i can get is at 9:04 am and then i have to take the subway, so i’ll probably just make it or be late. but if i take a taxi i can be on time.

i really love the feeling of being in a new relationship. everything’s the first time and i constantly want to be with and see the person. unfortunately, in my circumstance, i don’t really think it’s a two way street with these feelings. i ruined something beautiful and i hate myself for it. i’m hoping and wishing that things can go back to how they were. all i can do is try my hardest and wait. the rest isn’t up to me. i miss and love him like crazy.

now i will go to bed. i’ll still look like crap in the morning, but whatever. i’m not pulling an all-nighter.

argh! i missed one. feck!

i almost missed a post for today. okay.

i have a feeling that someone is somewhere that i don’t want them to be with someone that i don’t want them to be with. at the same time, i feel like i’m just being paranoid. however, it’s one of those things that wouldn’t surprise me if i found out i was right. i’d be mad and upset, a little surprised, but because of how my life is, not in shock over it.

tomorrow’s party is still on. i’m preparing now by doing my laundry. that’s the first step to cleaning my room. there are four steps to complete. it’s going to be a long night. tomorrow i have to go looking for some sort of costume. if i don’t find anything, i’ll rely on my backup.

ooh, i really hope i’m wrong. it’ll kill me if i’m right. i just have to not think about it because there’s nothing wrong with it, i just don’t like it. i hate it. i can’t stand it . . . okay, it’s time to put in the next load of laundry. hopefully by keeping busy, i can occupy my mind and not worry or think or conjure up crazy scenarios. wish me luck.

i thought i should say this now because i’ve noticed it being used a lot around the web, which scares me. i started using ‘oy vey’ as an expression before anyone else. well, not the jews but i’m saying i’m not following a trend. it was my own thing that i didn’t pick up from anywhere else but me. so if it starts getting really popular and lots of people are using it, i was using it first, so i’m not a wannabe, i’m a trendsetter. just clarifying things, because it bothers me a lot when this kind of things happens. it’s happened before and i didn’t get my dues. that’s it. go on about your business.

8:37 pm – while i’m on the subject of trends, i have to express my love for panic! at the disco. they’re a band, in i don’t know which category. somewhere in-between fall out boy and my chemical romance, with a techno twist on the first half of the album. i’ve been loving them for about a month now, maybe longer. if they start making waves, i was with them from the start. in other music news, from autumn to ashes have released a new album: abandon your friends. i haven’t heard all of it yet, but the high production values really help this band out a lot. i can’t wait for angels and airwaves to release their album. i’m expecting good stuff from this tom delonge fronted band. i don’t like the new gwen stefani video for luxorious. it’s too campy. campy’s all well and good when you’re not being serious, but she’s just taken it too far. her husband, gavin rossdale is doing a much better job with his new band, institute. i really like their site layout. it’s flashy, but not complicated. plus, he’s so hot. i think that’s it for my entertainment update. i’m sure nothing else is that important. i’ve been reading chuck palahniuk novels, or at least trying to get my hands on some of his work. it serves as the basis for a lot of p!atd’s work. oh yeah, i don’t know what to be for halloween. i’ve had a few ideas, but nothing really ‘wow!, amazing!, sexy, or unique’. i guess we’ll just have to see what i can pull off.

i’m doing it again: i’m naively getting my hopes up for university and the prospect of having a productive life. i’m looking at a lot of universities from out of the province and country. i’m scared at what it might mean, but a separation is inevitable at some point. nothing is definite, but that option has the better chances. it’s all about timing.

i sometimes wonder if things are really meant to be, or if we can make things happen if we try hard enough. our choices dictate what happens in our lives, but sometimes choices are forced. sometimes our lives provide two paths to happiness, and we have to give something up in order to have the other one. i wonder if it’s impossible at this point in my life to not have the other path connect somewhere in the future. things are so weird now. i could say if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. what if it’s only meant to be if i do it? ugh, too many things to think about. i suppose i should be lucky to have two ways of being happy. then there’s always the fact that there’s no guarantee of happiness either way. oy vey.

i’m going to stop thinking and read my chuck palahniuk novel.

11:15 pm – two things: 1. i really, really feel like learning things. i’m sick of being in this educational drought and 2. i think i’d be one of those mothers who purposely wakes up her child to so i can comfort it and feel needed. i’m deranged, right? deranged and demented.