obliviously obvious

***this entry is full of my opinions and how i view things right now. you may agree or disagree or have information that would let me see how i’m wrong, but these are my feelings. please don’t judge or jump to conclusions, and please try not to feel anything while reading. it’s simply the truth how i have known and experienced it. this is all i know.***

i don’t know which bothers me more: the fact that she probably knows more about what happened than i do, or that she has a place that i never had but always wanted. they both bother me immensely. and she doesn’t care. she doesn’t care as much as i do. no one in that position can. because it’s a forced caring, whether or not it’s felt that way, it still is. choosing to care is different from caring for that reason. what do i know? i don’t have any one like that.

i’m probably ridiculously wrong, but that’s how it makes me feel. i just know i would never put time with anyone else over time with him. not a single person. they would understand. it’s not like these were pressing circumstances where it was imperative that she was seen. it’s not like i made a big fuss and complained about it. i took it and it quietly killed me inside. but it’s just another thing to add to the list of things not seen eye to eye. here’s the thing that always gets me and now i’m really just airing out my laundry, but i can never understand the other side’s point of view as it’s impossible. however, the other side can easily see where i’m coming from. so doesn’t it make sense for them to make me happy because it doesn’t leave one of us inexplicably miserable, whereas if i bend, it does? that’s just the way i see it, but i’m pretty sure i’m right. it’s not about winning, it’s about compromise. if it was a bit of both all the time, that would be fine. that’s just not how i feel it going though. i feel it’s always in her favour, for no reason. and it’s been more and more against me for quite a while. and i don’t know why that is. the whole dynamic got flipped at some point and i don’t know why or how or what happened. and all of a sudden i find myself not being allowed to see my boyfriend in his own house for some unknown god forsaken reason. it’s just frustrating, and i wish these were the problems i still had, but these are nothing now.

why did i do it? if i had known how bad i was going to get, i wouldn’t have done it. why didn’t anyone stop me? i think it was pretty damn clear that i didn’t have any control at that point. i know i should have, but someone could have thrown me a god damn bone and at least tried to sober me up. for my own good and everyone else’s. it hurts me too that no one cared enough to actually stop me. or maybe they did, and i just don’t remember. there are too many things going on for me to keep quiet. i don’t want to know the sordid details, but i don’t know if i can make things right if i have no idea what happened. shouldn’t i be released of some responsibility if i can’t remember? i know it’s my responsibility to make sure i don’t get to that point, but when i’m already at a point where i can’t tell that i’m at the point, i think some of the responsibility lies on the surrounding party. i’ve been in situations where my friends didn’t know that they were too drunk to keep drinking. and then they proceeded to do dumb things because i let them do those things. whether or not i was truly at fault, i still felt responsible because i didn’t do all that i could have done to stop them from doing or saying something that they would regret. it was partially my responsibility as a less drunk person to inform and stop my friend of the wrongdoings that were being committed. when i can clearly see that they’re not themselves, i would take it upon myself to look out for them if i cared about them.

all of this may be in vain since many people may have tried their hardest to stop me. however, i don’t see how that’s possible if i was able to continue drinking. it’s not hard to take drinks away from a drunk person, or to get them water or pop instead, especially in a club. that’s exactly why i need to know what happened, because all signs say this shouldn’t have happened. the person that i am now doesn’t deserve to feel what i’m feeling, because i didn’t do those things (whatever they were). and i know i shouldn’t be excusing myself, but if you had any idea how badly i feel in relation to how clueless i am about that night, you’d probably understand why i don’t feel responsible at all. nevertheless, i am taking responsibility because at least this way it makes me do something about it. it gives me some sort of control over the situation.

after all that ^, you wouldn’t think i’d have anymore to say, but i do. however, i’ll save it for another time or some other outlet that may actually be productive and healing in some respect.