obliviously obvious

i’m a really mean person. i can do vindictive and hurtful things for fun and to make myself feel better. i must admit though, that most of my actions go completely unknown to the people that they’re meant to hurt. it’s just really fun for me knowing what i’ve said, done and orchestrated in order to retract some sort of revenge. it’s even better when i just leave hints and then they figure it out. in that situation, they’re not really sure what’s happening so they never confront me, but i know they know. it’s entertaining how many people lie to save face. i’d rather just know the truth. i’d rather just tell the truth, and often times i do, but i try to avoid it if it will interfere with someone i care about. that’s the only situation though. any others and i really prefer to be blunt as possible.

i hate having mixed feelings. i hate feeling angry and accepting about the way i’m being treated. i feel like i deserve it, but i think that he shouldn’t think i deserve it. he should be able to see the difference and stop comparing me to a situation that’s not even remotely the same. i didn’t let him down multiple times. it was one instance which, under normal circumstances not dealing with a past, would probably just be forgotten and forgiven. especially considering the fact that i’ve vowed not to touch alcohol or drugs again for a long, long time. i don’t know how long exactly, but probably at least until my birthday.

while still having feelings like this, i also take into consideration what i did and how i acted and how terrible it was. i think about what can’t be forgotten. i realize that the situation i’m in is the situation i’m in and it’s a special circumstance that i have to deal with. i’m very torn between what i feel should be happening and what is happening. then i’m not sure how it should be dealt with. is it always going to be like this? am i always going to feel like i have to apologize in a situation, even if i don’t believe i did something wrong? or is it just the people i’m involved with now? do i stay, or do i go?

i’m also sick of waiting to talk about this. i know it’s been a “busy” time, but when something this big in my life is screwed up, i’m in limbo until it’s fixed. my life goes on, but i don’t. it also bugs me that the other way of solving this is just to ignore it and “wait it out”. i don’t do that. this has to be talked about. i don’t care how painful it gets, how much anger may come to pass, because that’s going to happen every single time it’s thought about or mentioned unless it’s dealt with properly. i think the current situation is proof of that. nothing goes away if you ignore it long enough. that’s a ridiculous way to go about things. i’ve always thought that and it’s always bothered me that all problems have been dealt in that way before. well, not this one. if that’s not possible, i guess it’s time to go. it’s a very dumb reason to go, but that’s not my choice.

*sigh* i just need to discuss this. there’s no one i can talk to about it, except for one. i don’t think it’s such a good idea to go to that one. plus, i’m sure it’s far too much of a “busy” time. i’m seriously considering it though. it’s only fair that i get my say in too.

i’ve been told what’s felt for me, but i still have a hard time believing it in times like these. it’s probably just the different approach to things that makes me feel that way. i don’t know what to do.