i should definitely do the naked news model profile. the exposure on that is insane. i can’t wait to start my job so i have money. i have a lot of projects that i’m going to start working on. a lot of them rely on money though, so i’ll have to wait until i start working. the other stuff i can get working on now. i hope to be done everything i plan by 2006, or at least in the process of being completed. only one thing should be left to do by january. maybe i’ll just wait for my industrial piercing. let the modeling thing play out, and then get pierced whenever.

i don’t know where i want to go anymore. i should definitely go to western for my masters, but i don’t know where i should go for my ba. then there’s always the chance that i won’t go for my masters and go to metalwerks instead. they were certainly hounding me enough last year. it’s an interesting field, so maybe i’ll do that after my ba and then get my masters later on in life. maybe i’ll go for the gold and and get my masters at julliard, or my doctorate of musical arts. there are so many choices. there’s also europe to consider. i don’t know how to find a university/school that has the best music program in the world. at least has a lot of prestige and is well known for their music program. i’m really looking forward to starting this whole music thing, but i know i can’t get the best out of me unless i get my butt kicked by amazing competition. the only way to do that, is to go to the best schools available. i have a lot of work to do.

on another note, i’d hoped to have heard from more people about my halloween party by now. i don’t know if people are going to another party, aren’t coming, or assume i know that they’re coming because only a handful of people have gotten back to me. if i don’t hear from more people by wednesday, i’m just going to cancel it because i really don’t know if i’ll be okay to host a party on friday. we’ll just have to see.

sometimes i know exactly what i want and how i feel. sometimes all the little things that enrage me, mean nothing to me because i haven’t really started my life yet. i’m just kind of floating and i have been for a year. sometimes i think i can take it and that it’s the best choice for the long term. but i really can’t imagine anyone else meaning the same to me. nor can i believe that i’ll have the same kind of bond with anyone else. i’ve been very lucky to have the people that i do. i don’t know if it was fate, destiny, or it’s all part of the master plan, but if this journey ends now it’s going to be a long time before i find anyone else that can come close. maybe there isn’t anyone else and it’s just a matter of timing. time might be the only thing that needs to change. who knows? life’s an adventure, right? i know my life is always full of surprises. the things i always think are the least likely to happen are the things that happen first. it’s happened to me far too many times in the past to not hold true for the future.

i almost wish i could be this numb always. i understand why people keep themselves contained at certain levels. it is easier. i also know that the best feeling i’ve ever had was worth every single low. i need to be at that emotional level because anything less isn’t living for me. if i tried for anything less, i’d feel like i was robbing myself of something great. something that i know is amazing and terrible.

i’ve blabbed on too long.

11:27 pm – now i’ve become incredibly apathetic. i don’t have any expectations, nor do i want to work for anything. i need my jeff.

12:01 am – heh, another one. this feels so unreal to me. why do i feel so disconnected from my life, yet my emotional connection is so strong? i hate not being able to see things from reality’s point of view. it’s impossible. no one can do it. i don’t know what to think. there’s a surprise. i think right now i need a decision made for me. after that, i’ll just have to work in whatever direction that decision takes me. blah. emotions are weird. i feel far too many of them.

i’m a really mean person. i can do vindictive and hurtful things for fun and to make myself feel better. i must admit though, that most of my actions go completely unknown to the people that they’re meant to hurt. it’s just really fun for me knowing what i’ve said, done and orchestrated in order to retract some sort of revenge. it’s even better when i just leave hints and then they figure it out. in that situation, they’re not really sure what’s happening so they never confront me, but i know they know. it’s entertaining how many people lie to save face. i’d rather just know the truth. i’d rather just tell the truth, and often times i do, but i try to avoid it if it will interfere with someone i care about. that’s the only situation though. any others and i really prefer to be blunt as possible.

i hate having mixed feelings. i hate feeling angry and accepting about the way i’m being treated. i feel like i deserve it, but i think that he shouldn’t think i deserve it. he should be able to see the difference and stop comparing me to a situation that’s not even remotely the same. i didn’t let him down multiple times. it was one instance which, under normal circumstances not dealing with a past, would probably just be forgotten and forgiven. especially considering the fact that i’ve vowed not to touch alcohol or drugs again for a long, long time. i don’t know how long exactly, but probably at least until my birthday.

while still having feelings like this, i also take into consideration what i did and how i acted and how terrible it was. i think about what can’t be forgotten. i realize that the situation i’m in is the situation i’m in and it’s a special circumstance that i have to deal with. i’m very torn between what i feel should be happening and what is happening. then i’m not sure how it should be dealt with. is it always going to be like this? am i always going to feel like i have to apologize in a situation, even if i don’t believe i did something wrong? or is it just the people i’m involved with now? do i stay, or do i go?

i’m also sick of waiting to talk about this. i know it’s been a “busy” time, but when something this big in my life is screwed up, i’m in limbo until it’s fixed. my life goes on, but i don’t. it also bugs me that the other way of solving this is just to ignore it and “wait it out”. i don’t do that. this has to be talked about. i don’t care how painful it gets, how much anger may come to pass, because that’s going to happen every single time it’s thought about or mentioned unless it’s dealt with properly. i think the current situation is proof of that. nothing goes away if you ignore it long enough. that’s a ridiculous way to go about things. i’ve always thought that and it’s always bothered me that all problems have been dealt in that way before. well, not this one. if that’s not possible, i guess it’s time to go. it’s a very dumb reason to go, but that’s not my choice.

*sigh* i just need to discuss this. there’s no one i can talk to about it, except for one. i don’t think it’s such a good idea to go to that one. plus, i’m sure it’s far too much of a “busy” time. i’m seriously considering it though. it’s only fair that i get my say in too.

i’ve been told what’s felt for me, but i still have a hard time believing it in times like these. it’s probably just the different approach to things that makes me feel that way. i don’t know what to do.

very nice.

i took the smart serve class today. i’ll get the card in a couple of weeks, i guess.

things are awkward right now and i can’t stand it. i’ve really never felt this way before. i feel anxious, to put it simply. it’s like i have to catch up or something. you know those moments when you’re a kid and someone you care about or an adult accuses you of doing something that you didn’t do? and you’re trying so hard to explain what actually happened, or prove your innocence but nothing you say convinces them? that’s how i feel right now. it’s like a ‘why won’t you listen to me!?’ kind of feeling, but the crying kind, not the angry kind. it’s mixed with this overwhelming urge to go back. i can’t think about this anymore.

i was looking at the humane society and ospca sites yesterday. i’m seriously thinking about volunteering there either as a dog walker or a bottle feeder.

i can’t write anymore. there’s too much going on in my head that i can’t write about. i just can’t take this.

i was supposed to write this two hours ago because i wanted to have a post every day, but oh well. i’m probably getting my smart serve certification tomorrow. it’ll be good to get that out of the way. i also sent an email to everyone for my party that i’m supposed to be having. my parents are supposed to be going to mexico on vacation. that’s exactly where hurricane wilma is/might be heading. they may not even be able to get there, or there trip will be delayed or something.

i just got distracted looking for volunteering opportunities, so i’m done.

3:18 am – if i had a hat, i’d eat it right now. simply due to frustration with a mix of anger, and a hint of envy. i hate this feeling. it’s a physical feeling in my chest. it’s like someone’s sitting on me. punching isn’t as satisfying as strangling. i always feel like strangling things when i get like this. my hands get all twitchy. okay, that’s enough expression of my mental problems. the thought is driving me insane. why do i have to hate her so much? why did his opinion have to change? argh!!!

***this entry is full of my opinions and how i view things right now. you may agree or disagree or have information that would let me see how i’m wrong, but these are my feelings. please don’t judge or jump to conclusions, and please try not to feel anything while reading. it’s simply the truth how i have known and experienced it. this is all i know.***

i don’t know which bothers me more: the fact that she probably knows more about what happened than i do, or that she has a place that i never had but always wanted. they both bother me immensely. and she doesn’t care. she doesn’t care as much as i do. no one in that position can. because it’s a forced caring, whether or not it’s felt that way, it still is. choosing to care is different from caring for that reason. what do i know? i don’t have any one like that.

i’m probably ridiculously wrong, but that’s how it makes me feel. i just know i would never put time with anyone else over time with him. not a single person. they would understand. it’s not like these were pressing circumstances where it was imperative that she was seen. it’s not like i made a big fuss and complained about it. i took it and it quietly killed me inside. but it’s just another thing to add to the list of things not seen eye to eye. here’s the thing that always gets me and now i’m really just airing out my laundry, but i can never understand the other side’s point of view as it’s impossible. however, the other side can easily see where i’m coming from. so doesn’t it make sense for them to make me happy because it doesn’t leave one of us inexplicably miserable, whereas if i bend, it does? that’s just the way i see it, but i’m pretty sure i’m right. it’s not about winning, it’s about compromise. if it was a bit of both all the time, that would be fine. that’s just not how i feel it going though. i feel it’s always in her favour, for no reason. and it’s been more and more against me for quite a while. and i don’t know why that is. the whole dynamic got flipped at some point and i don’t know why or how or what happened. and all of a sudden i find myself not being allowed to see my boyfriend in his own house for some unknown god forsaken reason. it’s just frustrating, and i wish these were the problems i still had, but these are nothing now.

why did i do it? if i had known how bad i was going to get, i wouldn’t have done it. why didn’t anyone stop me? i think it was pretty damn clear that i didn’t have any control at that point. i know i should have, but someone could have thrown me a god damn bone and at least tried to sober me up. for my own good and everyone else’s. it hurts me too that no one cared enough to actually stop me. or maybe they did, and i just don’t remember. there are too many things going on for me to keep quiet. i don’t want to know the sordid details, but i don’t know if i can make things right if i have no idea what happened. shouldn’t i be released of some responsibility if i can’t remember? i know it’s my responsibility to make sure i don’t get to that point, but when i’m already at a point where i can’t tell that i’m at the point, i think some of the responsibility lies on the surrounding party. i’ve been in situations where my friends didn’t know that they were too drunk to keep drinking. and then they proceeded to do dumb things because i let them do those things. whether or not i was truly at fault, i still felt responsible because i didn’t do all that i could have done to stop them from doing or saying something that they would regret. it was partially my responsibility as a less drunk person to inform and stop my friend of the wrongdoings that were being committed. when i can clearly see that they’re not themselves, i would take it upon myself to look out for them if i cared about them.

all of this may be in vain since many people may have tried their hardest to stop me. however, i don’t see how that’s possible if i was able to continue drinking. it’s not hard to take drinks away from a drunk person, or to get them water or pop instead, especially in a club. that’s exactly why i need to know what happened, because all signs say this shouldn’t have happened. the person that i am now doesn’t deserve to feel what i’m feeling, because i didn’t do those things (whatever they were). and i know i shouldn’t be excusing myself, but if you had any idea how badly i feel in relation to how clueless i am about that night, you’d probably understand why i don’t feel responsible at all. nevertheless, i am taking responsibility because at least this way it makes me do something about it. it gives me some sort of control over the situation.

after all that ^, you wouldn’t think i’d have anymore to say, but i do. however, i’ll save it for another time or some other outlet that may actually be productive and healing in some respect.