obliviously obvious

***half of this entry won’t make sense to you because it’s random thoughts blurted onto the screen without any connecting thoughts. read if so inclined.***

it hurts so much. you don’t know how badly i want to take it back. there are no words to describe how i feel. the only thing that comes close is saying that i’m sobbing my heart out. i want to cry harder, but i don’t want to make any noise. every time i think about him hurting, it hurts me because i did it. there’s nothing i can do. not a damn thing. i just wish there was anything i could do to make it even the tiniest bit better, but there’s nothing. i’ve never wanted to go back this badly before. if it’s any consolation, know that i cannot and haven’t been functioning properly since then. i’ve slept only due to pure exhaustion. my dreams are filled with what i want, and when i wake up it’s so painful because i don’t know if it can ever be like that again. maybe it would be easier to just start fresh and never see each other again, but i don’t want to be without him. i don’t know anymore. fuck! i never thought i’d want to forget happy memories, but they’re too painful right now.

at this moment all parties and any social events that are remotely happy are on hiatus. i can’t plan things when i’m in limbo. nor do i want to see anyone.

i really need to talk to a therapist. how can i be so messed up? i’m trying not to be self-centered, but what else do i know? of course the world revolves around me, what else am I supposed to look at? What else do I have control over?

I think I’ve already lost weight from lack of eating. It’s terrible for me. I’m craving junk food because it’ll make me feel better, but I don’t want to eat it. I crave it, but I don’t want it. I’m empty. I’m hanging on because I should, not because I want to. It scares me to think that a part of me wanted this, wanted to destroy it and tear me apart. Destroy something beautiful. There’s no better proof. This is why I’m a terrible person. Or maybe I’m just more in touch with the side of myself that everyone else blocks out because they’re too afraid. I’m scared too, but it’s because I know it’s there and what it can do. The harder I try to contain it, the more it seeps out and contaminates everything: my thoughts, actions, relationships, everything. Maybe I should eat something. My last meal was Sunday afternoon: one slice of pizza.

I wish there was another one that didn’t know. One who I could go to for comfort. Normally that fact would bother me a lot more, but it’s trivial now. Besides, who else is there? Everything connected to him. I’m stealing this from someone’s msn name, but it’s true: nothing to live for when I’m sleeping alone. My song right now is box car racer’s sorrow. The lyrics are very applicable. There are lots of applicable songs.

I should probably stop now.

2:16 pm – i used to really like the name amber. now, not so much. it has to have a really good last name with it, otherwise it just sounds like some hick.

nothing’s a better sedative than crying. that baby’ll put you right out. problem is, your eyes are so swollen the next day, it feels like you haven’t slept anyway. plus, you’ll be distracted and upset by whatever you were crying about, so it puts your brain in another place, giving you another symptom of sleeplessness. it’s not good for the mind, but it’s good for the body. although i may feel like i haven’t gotten sleep, i’m sure my body is thanking me in some way. now, i only have to work on that eating thing . . .

there are a lot of people named jeff. i know three personally. there were two mentioned by each of my bartending teachers today. one was a jerk and the other was an idiot; the jeffs, not the teachers. just an observation.

i’m tired and head queasy. it’s kind of like a headache, but instead of throbbing, there’s spinning. i guess that’s the best way to describe it. i haven’t slept normally in a week.

i wish the dream i had was the truth. i miss that. it kills me to think that as i’m dying inside, happiness and relief is being had. i hope i’m wrong. i hope there’s some sort of bad or empty feeling. if there isn’t, i really don’t see the point. that’s not fair to me. and it might be something that i have to face and deal with. it’s a good time. my parents will be gone so i won’t have to put up a front. i don’t even want to think about it.

we did the shooter lesson today. i was planning on drinking them, but since i decided to be straight edge, i didn’t. i did mix some though. it was kind of fun. word of advice: always order bottled beer. trust me.

that’s it. i’m spent. i feel like i could sleep for days, if only i could fall asleep to begin with. it’s so hard to be strong.

10:52 am – changed the colour scheme. it may be too blue, but it’s staying for now. mostly because i’m too tired and lazy to change it all again, but also because i’m going to bed. *crosses fingers* and also because i can’t think of a scheme i’d like better and i hate plain white. *gag*

i’m starting to feel all light headed and passy-outy. could it be from being up for more than twenty-four hours straight? or possibly that i only just took my medication? or that i stayed up for hours on end at my computer playing emulations of various gba and snes games? i’m sure it’s a combination of all three, but in any case, i feel like i’m having a head rush at all times. it’s kind of cool, but not really. my body is probably trying really hard to get blood to my brain right now. all-nighters are the worst thing for you, so i hear. i don’t really mind so much. i’m pretty sure i’m not missing anything that i’d enjoy and what i don’t know, can’t hurt me, right?

i already have a bartending job lined up. the place opens in two-three weeks i think. it used to be palazzo (i think) and now it’s called sin city. my cousin’s the manager, so i’ve got a job. i just have to get my smart serve certification at some point in the next week. only so soon because my parents are going on saturday (i can’t believe it’s here already) and i just want to get it done and out of the way. that’s some pretty sweet news. once i have this job under my belt, it’ll be easy to get a job at another bar. my cousin’s been working there for a long time. five years, maybe longer. it paid for her tuition and her jeep and her place etc. i’m sure she had some help, but i know she paid for a lot of it on her own. she’s always reminded me of jessica alba. i can’t believe she’s six years older than me. it hardly seems like there’s a difference between us at all now.

i really need to clean my room. now i have to go. nip/tuck is on. hooray! i love good drama series.

maybe i’d hate her less if she actually did something that wasn’t dumb. and didn’t spend so much money. and did less of nothing. or if it was less frequent. or if i hadn’t been an idiot. but i can’t keep beating myself up over this. it’s getting to the point where i’m just getting mad now. i’m starting to stop caring and just getting fed up. if that’s the plan then kudos; it’s going well. well, i just started thinking about it and now i’m just mad. fuck it. it’s been too long. now i’m mad.

i really like this: and this:
and this one too:

in silver or black for either of the last two, just not pink.

it’s weird how fast time goes by. last january seems so far away. so much has changed and yet there’s always a constant. i don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it’s there. i think it’s because the outer circle has shifted but the inner circle has stayed the same. maybe it’s turned a bit, or got a few new additions, but it’s the same. that’s constancy. it’s always going to be like that. that’s me. that’s how i make it happen. for fun’s sake:

8:34 pm – i somehow hate her even more. my anger feels like a fever rising in my body. it’s quite the experience.