there’s nothing like singing opera to bring me back to normal emotional levels. i need money so i can start learning again.

i hate it when people ignore me.

11:38 pm – happy birthday to paul and paula. you’re finally nineteen, paula! welcome to the club.

i don’t want to feel this jealousy anymore. it doesn’t even make sense. i just don’t have that kind of bond with people, so i’ll never understand. quite frankly, i’m glad i don’t have that bond. it makes you do extremely idiotic things for very little reasoning. and most of the time, you end up regretting or hating the idiotic thing you did. so really, i win. the only reason why i’m not continuing with this is because i’m in such a foul mood, that i can’t even be bothered to hate anyone right now. i know, right? this isn’t me. i’m more in a self-loathing type of life. i was so naive. of course it won’t be at ‘home’. it’ll be at not home, but spends more time there anyway. argh. the frustration. i hate it all.

my family life is so far from normal. nobody else’s even comes close. for starters, i’m a mummy’s girl. that’s not supposed to happen, especially considering i’m an only child.

i’m so horribly bitter. i don’t know if it’s just right now, or always. a long time ago i mentioned that i was going to write down some things that i noticed during the day. i’m finally going to post those things: everything today is sad. fall usually brings hope but it seems disheartening now. old men walk funny. there are a lot of dogs where i live. it’s sad for some reason. fall=school=past=reminiscing+nostalgia. nostalgia is painful. when i have nothing now, i want the past. but i’m always never as happy as i was ‘then’.

i’m a happy person, aren’t i? i really desperately need to sing. i don’t remember the last time i did. it’s pretty much the only therapy i have. the hard part is choosing which cds are the right ones to put into my cd player. my pc speakers aren’t good enough to compete with me, but my whole music collection is on my pc. it makes it easy to skip and search for the exact song that i need to sing. i don’t have anything challenging anymore. i can’t even begin to think of what i want.

i was promised a sub yesterday. i didn’t get one and now i want nothing else. i’m sick of having cramps and huge boobs. none of my bras fit properly. it’s annoying. my hair is really blond now. i like it, but this will probably be the last time i do this. for now, anyway. i can’t take this frustration anymore, so i’m off to sing.

i have to wake up at 10:30 am to get my hair done. finally, i won’t have roots anymore. this is also my last time going blonde. i’m having the base lightened and more streaks put in. my next hair appointment after that will consist of a nice, rich, warm brown colour.

i ran out of my meds yesterday, so things are starting to get spinny. i hope i’ll be okay through the night. last time i went two days without it, i could barely move because the spinning was so bad. it was really bad. i wasn’t even moving. i was in bed trying to sleep but i couldn’t because i was spinning too violently. i’m getting the pills in the morning before going to my appointment, otherwise i won’t make it through the whole thing.

i’ve been distracted by other things. so, off i go.

7:16 am – ‘what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiction.’ – chuck palahniuk

i knew there was a reason why i liked his writing.

so it’s four a.m. and i’m up, yet again. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m getting sick of gaining weight. if those two are related, which i’m sure they are, i’m too lazy to type it all out. i’m not sure how to feel. that’s not news, i know, but this is more of a defense mechanism related confusion. i’m just going to make more of an effort and take things one step at a time. accept how things are now and stop worrying about what might or might not be. also, stop comparing the past to the present. things have happened since then to change it. it’s just been sudden and unexpected at this level. a change yes, but not to this extreme. anyway, i’ll just be happy that i still have something, even if it might not be as much as i want or used to have. it makes me so sad to think that. i really, really hope it changes.

i’m exhausted and feeling really low. i know it’s just me (maybe it’s not), but some kind of acknowledgement at some point would be nice. i’m not in my usual huffy, angry mood because it just makes me too sad now. this is making miserable, so maybe it’s time to move on. it won’t be me to make the final decision, just as long as one is made. i need some definite answers and feelings, even though i’m pretty positive that i can’t offer the same thing, at least with the answer part. it’s unfair of me to want without giving, but i might have something to give if this actually gets discussed for more than five minutes at a time. i don’t want it to be a heavy make or break kind of thing, but it seems to be the only way i can get answers. i just want to discuss something, that isn’t small talk, without it being a big production. i can’t even think about any of this without tearing up. i’ve become an emotional wreck. hah, become. *sigh* i need someone else to want me because i don’t want myself.

i spent a few hours with tal today. it was nice seeing her and i wanted to catch her up more, but i couldn’t take it. i don’t like where i am, i don’t know if i can get what i want and no matter which direction i head towards, i’ll have no idea what’s going to happen or if i can handle it. i’m falling apart. i know that not only is there just one thing that can save me, but also that it will never come to be and i shouldn’t be using that one thing for support. not to this extent. i’ve really fallen down the slope this time. i can’t see myself getting back up, nor wanting to, yet i hate that i’ve let myself get this way. fuck! i don’t know what to feel. i’m torn with every single thought that enters my head. i need to discuss this. not for a solution, just to say it. say it all and have it heard by someone that can possibly make a difference, somehow.

since i’ve been up for twenty-three hours, i think i’ll finally hit it. i just want a little bit of clarity.

8:05 am – why, oh why am i still awake? why am i fighting this so much? because sleep isn’t instant. there are always those few unbearable moments when it’s nothing but me. i’ve always wanted an instant sleep and to this day, no matter what the circumstance, it hasn’t happened. except for when i had surgery, but that doesn’t count because some serious drugs were involved. life was so much simpler then. i got to play yoshi’s story for the n64 for a week while i healed. it didn’t even hurt. the most painful part for me was the removal of the intravenous. that fucking hurt. it feels like being stabbed, but in reverse, so that makes it worse somehow. i think it just adds a weird sensation to the pain. i wonder if i can make it to thirty-six hours? that’s probably not a good idea. i know i can do it, i’m just considering the repercussions. is it worth it?

i swear, my dog uses my bed more than i do. i love snow. i’m going to try to find a wallpaper i used to have a very long time ago. i’ll probably write more later. maybe i’ll sleep. i’m getting my third or fourth wind, so i’ll see how it goes. random: do i swear too much in this thing? & the eggnog latte from starbucks is surprisingly good.

maybe it’s something in the air. maybe it’s the compounded affects of SAD and my ‘regular’ depression. i really don’t know what the problem is, but i’ve been sad for a while. i lost the only thing that brought me some sort of happy mentality, even though when i had it, i wanted more. i hate not knowing what i should do. i believe that i should follow my heart, but that didn’t make me happy either. looking back, i think i’d be happy now because i know what i lost. who’s to say i’m right? i say i’ll be happy, but maybe that’s because there’s a part of me that knows i might never be able to have that again. that thought really makes me depressed. this isn’t normal; i shouldn’t be up at this time, crying, thinking about how i’ve fucked up everything. thinking that maybe the only way to get what i want, is to not get what i truly want. then, i think it’s the coward’s way out. i’m running because it’s easier to deal with a new set of problems than it is to live with the old ones. it’s easy to find a substitute that makes me feel how i want to feel, but for how long? besides, it won’t compare to what i had. it would be new, fun and exhilarating but it wouldn’t have the same depth. it wouldn’t be the same, and that’s what i want. the exact same; nothing more, nothing less. just to know that it’s the way i want it to be. the way i feel it’s supposed to be.