obliviously obvious

- blonde hair can never look as shiny as dark hair. this leaves me bitter.
- plastic surgery just can’t make certain people attractive.
- i miss what i had and i want it back. i need it.
- i don’t know what or who i want to be.
- i want a moleskine pocket notebook. it’s the perfect thing for me due to the many insights i stumble across daily.
- i need another purse. big enough to hold a water bottle and my make-up bag, but not as big as a beach or book bag. that’s too big.
- i want to and will see rent even if i have to go it alone.
- i now find it difficult to write in any form but prose. this deeply concerns me.

i am going to bed with the help of my usual sedative and an actual pharmaceutical one. maybe it can be good for me. i need to physically write again. and boy, do i need to sing real music.

p.s. i can’t believe it’s november. something anniversary, i suppose. it hurts.

7:10 am – for just a few moments, i could see it happening and working and i was happy about it. what caused this momentary emotional lapse? my anger caused by the realization that i’ve been replaced by her. i don’t know if i can ever get over the fact that they spend so much time together. it’s not right. it doesn’t make sense. but nothing does when it concerns me. fuck.

part of what makes it so difficult is what i’ve already had planned in my head. what i’ve been expecting, hoping for and dreaming of is so far from reality. the image in my head doesn’t match what i’m experiencing. i’ve been thrown for a loop. it doesn’t help that it was slightly unexpected at this point in the game. this wasn’t supposed to happen now. maybe in a year or two and for entirely different reasons, but definitely not now and not like this. i can remember multiple moments that caused things to shift. the day that i found out his parents didn’t like me is one of them. things were never the same after that. i went to his house less and less. i couldn’t stay over on the weekends, even in summer. sometimes i couldn’t even go to his house for some bullshit reason. and again my anger consumes me because it’s always them against me. well, i hope everyone’s fucking happy because they’re going to get what they want. i won’t be dragging anyone down anymore. oh my god, this is so frustrating. so many issues that i just want to slap common sense into. not just for the relationship, but for my dignity and respect. how dare they be so hypocritical. and can’t she get some god damn friends! i’m just angry and upset and probably tired. i’m not making this decision. it will be made and then i’ll deal with the aftermath, whatever it may be. it may not be fair, but things haven’t been fair for a long time.