Nov 25
don’t know what it is
maybe it’s something in the air. maybe it’s the compounded affects of SAD and my ‘regular’ depression. i really don’t know what the problem is, but i’ve been sad for a while. i lost the only thing that brought me some sort of happy mentality, even though when i had it, i wanted more. i hate not knowing what i should do. i believe that i should follow my heart, but that didn’t make me happy either. looking back, i think i’d be happy now because i know what i lost. who’s to say i’m right? i say i’ll be happy, but maybe that’s because there’s a part of me that knows i might never be able to have that again. that thought really makes me depressed. this isn’t normal; i shouldn’t be up at this time, crying, thinking about how i’ve fucked up everything. thinking that maybe the only way to get what i want, is to not get what i truly want. then, i think it’s the coward’s way out. i’m running because it’s easier to deal with a new set of problems than it is to live with the old ones. it’s easy to find a substitute that makes me feel how i want to feel, but for how long? besides, it won’t compare to what i had. it would be new, fun and exhilarating but it wouldn’t have the same depth. it wouldn’t be the same, and that’s what i want. the exact same; nothing more, nothing less. just to know that it’s the way i want it to be. the way i feel it’s supposed to be.
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