so it’s four a.m. and i’m up, yet again. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m getting sick of gaining weight. if those two are related, which i’m sure they are, i’m too lazy to type it all out. i’m not sure how to feel. that’s not news, i know, but this is more of a defense mechanism related confusion. i’m just going to make more of an effort and take things one step at a time. accept how things are now and stop worrying about what might or might not be. also, stop comparing the past to the present. things have happened since then to change it. it’s just been sudden and unexpected at this level. a change yes, but not to this extreme. anyway, i’ll just be happy that i still have something, even if it might not be as much as i want or used to have. it makes me so sad to think that. i really, really hope it changes.