i love snow. i really do. i like how it looks and almost everything that comes along with it, including the cold. however, when it stops me from seeing my best friend, i’m not so in love with it. why today of all days? if i had been driving for two years, maybe i would have gone because i could’ve driven there. also, my hair didn’t turn out exactly the way i wanted it to. i just feel bad. i really, really wanted to see her. of all the days to have a snow storm. damn snow.

i found this and despite it’s location, it’s one of the best tattoos i’ve seen.

god damn is it cold. i took the dog for a walk and my hands were freezing in two minutes. it’s partly my own fault for not being outside more and getting used to cooler temperatures. on the other hand, it’s been up and down with the temp. some days it’s been okay and not that bad, while others have been glass-cutting-nipples days.

tomorrow i’m going downtown shopping. i can’t wait. i only have a few hours before i run out of time, so i’m going to stop and use my time wisely.

1:18 am – due to the approaching snow storm (we’ll just see), we’re going to go to square one instead. i haven’t been there in a long time, so i guess it will be a good change. in fact, in the past six months, i’ve been downtown far more than square one. if i didn’t have to get up and do things tomorrow, i’d stay up all night playing a certain game and/or watching the gilmore girls. hmm, now that i’ve done the time conversion, maybe i can do both and still sleep. there’s no harm in trying. that leaves me approximately three hours of play time if i finish off season five tonight. plans like a sound. off i go.

technically, i didn’t because of the updates in the last post, but they were in the last post, thereby making them a part of yesterday.

i was in a really foul mood yesterday. i’m glad i pulled an all-nighter. there’s nothing like depriving my brain of sleep to put me in a far too giddy mood. i made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. they were so good. i also put a toque on my dog, and every single time i walked into the living room from the kitchen, she’d look at me and i couldn’t help but laugh. it was partly due to the exhausted giddiness and because animals wearing clothing is hilarious, as well as cruel and unusual. i think we should buy her booties for christmas so that she’ll actually go out in the rain without a fuss. she doesn’t make a fuss, but after a while she just huddles by your legs until you start to head home.

why are all of the hobbies that i’m interested in so expensive to pursue?* i ‘d really like to get into photography more, but not so much the technical aspect. i like being able to capture beautiful moments. that’s why i love candid pictures. they portray an exact moment where only true emotion is visible. that’s what i look for when i take pictures. the moment when you know that the subject is completely engulfed in one feeling, or colour, or mood. simple, singular and clear expression. i really have a passion for it. i want to go out right now and do it. i wish i had good equipment. i almost wish i had the patience for photoshop, but i feel that’s cheating in some ways. or maybe it’s an art in itself, just not one i’m interested in at the moment.

my other hobby, that i really want to take up again, is horseback riding. i miss it so much. you wouldn’t believe how much of a workout it is either. you’re basically working your entire body all at the same time. especially if you do it bareback. now that’s fun.

i really have to start singing again. i need to find a good teacher. i need to find someone that pushes me and challenges me to reach new and higher levels. i suppose that’s what university is for. i’m so not ready to face that whole thing again. i feel like i just finished receiving and replying to all the acceptance letters, information packages and financial information guides. i really don’t feel like facing it again right now. not to mention the fact that i have no idea where i want to go, why i want to go or what i want to do there. i was so set on western but now i don’t know. i don’t even know why my interest in london dwindled in the first place. perhaps because i feel like i’d be too isolated there. i think it’s too small for me. i think i need a big city right now. either that or my own circle of entertainment/friends to be with me. i won’t start on my overwhelming fear of losing people; anyone and everyone. i just don’t know if i’m mentally and emotionally secure enough for something like this. i wish i couldn’t say that. i wish that i could just dive in and know that i could handle anything that came my way. but i know i’m not that person right now. i really need to see a therapist or something.

i watched a lot of gilmore girls today. it wasn’t the most i’ve ever watched, but it was a fix i needed. lorelai reminded me of myself in the episodes i watched today. she had a fight with her boyfriend and all she wanted was to just talk about it, talk through it, with him. but he needed to think and be by himself for an indeterminable amount of time. meanwhile, lorelai’s left with this uncontrollable need to say or do something about it. she can’t focus on anything but the relationship problem, and she becomes distracted from the other facets of her life. then she had a crazy dream. then she called her boyfriend and left a long, rambling, nonsensical message while crying. see? totally like me.

alright, i think that’s enough. i could say more about random crap that i don’t care about at all (read: xbox360), but i won’t. goodnight.

i forgot to mention that my boobs are bigger. it’s probably just pms, but i have to admit i kind of like them this way.

*i hate grammar. i like taking poetic license. i don’t care if the verb is in the correct placement in relation to the pronoun. if you know what i mean, it’s good enough for me and it should be for you. i do have a few hang-ups though.

so i dreamt about johnny depp again. at least this time he was human and shirtless. i don’t know what the deal is with these dreams. very, very odd. hahaha we went to france and the chick we were with didn’t want the paparazzi to follow us so she said to just speak in fluent french. johnny depp can speak french, but he was a big jerk in my dream and pretended to not know it. he started speaking in broken french and english. it was funny because he was such an ass. oh yeah! i almost forgot the other part of my dream with jessica, boarders, weed, skiing/snowboarding, garage bands and central parkway mall. i won’t go into detail because some stuff happened that i don’t like. wow, my subconscious is fucked up. i can see where it came from though. this dream i can, but not the johnny depp ones. i’m surprised i’m not having more video game based dreams. i’ll give myself a couple more days before they start.

i was going to write about something else, but i forgot what it was a long time ago. i guess that’s it for now.

11:30 pm – i could really go for mini-pizzas right now.

1:16 am – slicing up enemies is very therapeutic. although it’s quite frustrating when a combo is runied by a miss. on another note: yay! my tal is coming back for the weekend. thank someone. i just wish i had money to actually buy things when we go shopping. oh well, downtown is downtown and it will be hella fun (oh cartman . . .).

2:28 am – i am sad. i don’t know what’s going on. i’m worried.

6:25 am – yes, yes i should be sleeping but i’m not. it’s one of those times when i know i won’t be able to sleep/i’m forcing myself to stay awake because laying in the dark with nothingness is too painful. however, i did find this funny tidbit. it comes from paul katcher’s 20 things every assclown must do before he dies: 6. Crank your SUV’s souped-up stereo with the windows open. You think these guys pump the bass like that on the highway? Of course not. It’s for attention, not for function. So I say, give ‘em attention. Next time you’re crossing the street in front of said assclown, stop and dance a jig for as long as the stoplight will allow. Then point and laugh … a lot.
i can truthfully say that this made me hurt from laughing. however, it would be dishonest of me to lead you to believe that the pain was directly from the laughter. it was more of a random muscle thing than hysterical laughter.

my dreams are too weird even for me. i can’t begin to describe this one because there’s no way you could have an accurate picture. it’s just too abstract. anyway, i’m posting to say that the only mp3 player i want is this one (it’s in german) or the pez one. both are wickedly tender. fuck this ipod crap.

also, here (it’s a pdf file) are most of the secrets to david blaine’s magic tricks. they seem so obvious now that i’ve read the ’secrets’.

that’s it for now. i’m out.

6:06 pm – this is the only way i’d ever read harry potter books. it’s just too perfect and hilarious.

have you ever been punched in the stomach? if you have, then you’ve experienced a similar sensation to what i’m feeling now. it’s the feeling of finding out that things aren’t going to go exactly how you pictured them. the plans and scenarios i had in my head aren’t going to come to fruition. this kind of thing always throws me for a loop. it puts me on edge and makes me want to just stay in a comfort zone. it’s really not a big deal, i think i was just surprised, but i’m slightly saddened too. is it bad that a large majority of my happiness comes from one person? i think paula knows what i’m talking about when i say that as much as i hate it, i like it too. it’s just really scary and sometimes unpredictable. i want to be an independent person, but i like having that secure feeling of him. it’s weird. i guess it’s just because i know no matter what the situation, if he’s there, i’ll be okay. and now i’m tearing up probably due only to hormones, but they’re there nonetheless. i’ll still have fun tonight, it’s just not the kind of fun i was expecting. it’s going to be even harder for me not to drink, but more imperative that i don’t since i don’t have my ’security blanket’ with me.

time to get ready and head out.