i’m at sean’s right now on his computer. i don’t know when i’ll be getting a new one, but it should be pretty sweet.

my job is awesome, but i have to pay my dues so i’m still at a shitty bar, but money is money. i’m essentially getting paid at least $27.50 to go clubbing and serve a few drinks on the side. all the money i’ve made so far is going to christmas presents. i hope this thursday will be busy, but i sincerely doubt it. you never know in this industry. i’m working new year’s eve, which is kind of bad because i’d like to be with jeff for our two and a half year anniversary, but hopefully i’ll make shitloads of cash to make up for it.

i’ve been really happy since my last entry. the occasional bad/damaging thought enters my head, but on the whole i’ve been able to keep myself positive and grateful. i actually am really happy. there’s bad stuff happening to people i know, but it’s out of my hands and the only thing i can do is hope for the best and live my life.

i have lots of catching up to do, so i’m done.

i’m too tired to recount the things that happened today (yesterday). i shall write more later on, when tuesday is in full light mode.

i’m so glad that this week is over. the next week should be good, but there are going to be some rocky things coming up. i’m going to have to be in awkward situations, multiple times, for lengthy amounts of time. on the up side, i start work on saturday. hooray! i’m looking forward to money.

i’m bartending at sin city, which is on 99 peelar rd. it’s off of the 407 and steeles. kind of near york, according to the map. it plays the usual club music: dance, r&b, house etc. if you want, come on by. i know it’s far but i’ll be working there every weekend, including new years. apparently, we’re having a christmas lingerie show this saturday, which is my first day. check out the flyer.

i’m not overly excited about working on new years, but i’ll make so much money. one of the good things about being a bartender (or bad, depending on how you look at it) is that you get your money right away in cash. i don’t have to wait two weeks until i get my paycheck. that means i can start christmas shopping the day after. it makes it harder to save though. i’ll have to get a money box or something, or just keep it all under my mattress. it’s about damn time. i’m so sick of being poor. next summer, i’ll get a job downtown.

i’ve been very happy the last couple of days. the main reason being i no longer have pms. that was such a relief. things have been looking up as of recently. i probably shouldn’t jump the gun, but i have no bad news for the next week or so. hopefully, everything will stay at this level of goodness and get better. it’s 4:10 am, so i’m going to play castlevania: sotn for a bit and then go to bed.

i hate trying to stumble around in the dark.

my day was crappy and exhausting thanks to family drama, physical pain and mall bitches. i’m tired, but i don’t want to sleep and i don’t know why. it’s different than my usual lack of willingness to sleep. i also kind of want to sleep because there’s nothing else i want to do. i hate sleeping at this certain time. i never sleep well for the whole duration. it’s like i’m always up and my body/brain is constantly checking the time to see if i’m still okay. i sleep unusually still too. it really shows the power of the mind.

i hate family. it’s so needlessly complicated. i’m glad i’m not directly involved, but other people would disagree. in my mind i’m not involved. i don’t let it bother me or stress me out. it’s just too dumb to bother. it’s always around holidays and birthdays when things get tense. why does everything have to be about winning? why does appreciation have to be shown through gifts, or constant connection? while talking to my mom about all this, i realized that i might be too needy. i’m hoping that it’s just been for the past couple of weeks. most of the time i don’t say as much as i think. it’s been tough trying to balance and keeping myself level-headed through this. emotions are a necessary evil. i don’t intend to want so much. i don’t think i do on a regular basis. by that i mean it didn’t feel like this before. i think it’s just been bad timing. i’ve had a really shitty week, but so have other people.

i have to stay up for another hour or so. that blows. i’m going to be working every weekend starting next saturday. i’m so glad. i’m worried about how this will affect things, but hopefully this will be a reasonably good time to start this schedule.

i think i have to stop caring so much. i don’t know what i have to do. i don’t know if there’s anything i can do.

i hate bitches who work in retail and think (and do) they can get away with being a bitch to a customer. i know that customers are rude, boorish and impatient, but don’t start out that way with me because i will bitch the fuck out of you. don’t give me attitude once i start either, because that just makes you that much worse. you can be a bitch about me when i come in complaining about something that you can’t fix. when it’s entirely your fault that i’m mad, don’t act like there’s nothing you can do. what a stupid bitch. i hate people that act like they think they’re better than you. obviously it was because she had no power in the situation. i wish my mom hadn’t been there. she can’t argue for shit and she just makes things worse because she comes off as an annoying, whiney customer, instead of pissed off and deserving. my mom doesn’t know how to get mad or how to push buttons. if i had been by myself, i wouldn’t have gotten myself in that position in the first place. my mom let’s herself be pushed around first and then gets mad that she didn’t do anything. argh! this is too frustrating right now. i have to go eat.

by the by, i’m not an emotional eater, i just haven’t eaten anything all day and i’ve been up since 9, so it’s probably adding to my irritated mood.

3:44 pm – here is an interesting article on how swearing works. it gets relatively scientific, but nothing you shouldn’t be able to understand. it’s funny that i found this because i was thinking how i should’ve sworn at that bitch in the mall.

i’m so emotional right now. i hate it. it’s never emotional in the good way, where anything can make me laugh in hysterics. i’m always emotional in the crying at everything way, even if it’s happy. the only time i laugh at anything, is if i haven’t slept in days. then the lack of sleep just makes it too easy to find things comical. see, now i’m okay. the emotions have passed and i’m no longer upset over nothing. the bad thing about being close to guys is they can never understand pms. until you experience it, you have no idea how little control you have over the way you act when having pms. before i had emotional pms and just cramps etc., i always thought my mom was just weak and a big sissy for not being able to control herself. now that i’ve been there, i know it’s near impossible to not cry, or yell, or bitch. with me, it’s crying. i can’t stop myself. i bite the inside of my lower lip to stop myself, and most of the time it works, but once those few tears get through, that’s it man, game over man, game over.

i hate crying so, so much. i’m lucky that i don’t do it in front of people often. the worst time was at a party, but i slapped the person in the face that was responsible for my pain, so the look on his face was almost worth it. i don’t know why i feel crying is weak. i don’t think it’s weak for guys to do it once in a while. if they’re breaking up with someone, or they’re really happy or really sad, i actually like a guy to show emotion through crying. i think there’s just something about the way chicks cry that bugs me. even myself. when i think back at all the times i’ve seen someone i know cry, i always felt the need to be their one consoler. maybe i don’t see it as weak. i suppose it could depend on the reason for crying. that’s probably it. most chicks cry about dumb things. i’ll admit that i’ve cried about dumb things too, but not in public. i don’t want to talk about crying anymore.

i’ve decided to continue my life plan that i set so many years ago. i’ve written down a number of steps that need to be completed in order for me to get where i want. i’ve also written down some things i’d like to pursue while on my way to my goal. if i can actually follow through with this, (half of the stuff i have to do) i might actually be happy with my life and what i’ve done.

i think my problem (one of many) has been that what i’ve envisioned for myself is not the end result of my present situation. my ‘dream’ life doesn’t start out this way. it starts with sacrifices that i don’t want to make. especially ones that have such negative immediate results and may never lead to positive ones. because i never want to think about it, i never act towards it, thus causing a stall in my life. i should just do things and see what happens as a result, instead of doing nothing to try and stop the possible, but more likely, hurt.

i need to talk to an experienced opera singer or really knowledgeable tutor. a soprano. i have many questions regarding register and tone. when i reach certain notes, it’s like i use a different part of my vocal chords, or something. it’s above my head voice, if that makes sense. there’re the notes that you can get and sound harsh, then the ones that you can only get with your head voice, and then this semi-new place i found. i just want to know if i should go there, because it is easier and it seems less stressful on my voice, but sometimes that’s actually bad and just reduces the strength of the voice. i wonder if this is a common thing? oh well.