obliviously obvious

i’m waiting for any type of response before i blow up. it won’t be long now though. i can’t wait to hear the reasons. this really fucking hurts. i’ve been crying for two days and not a single response.

it’s very hard for me to keep my mouth shut in the situation i’m in right now.

why am i bothering? i should just end this now. there’s no point in dragging it out like this. it’s just too painful. he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t care anymore, on any level. and even if they’re not connected, you can’t deny that the more time you spent with her, the less you spent with me. that hurts a lot too. this whole thing sucks ass balls.

2:52 am – i really, really don’t know what to do with myself. i can’t sleep anymore. i’ve been doing that for the past two days so i wouldn’t have to deal with this. now i don’t know what to do. there’s nothing i want to do. the one thing that i wanted to do five minutes ago, i don’t want to do anymore. i feel so broken. i’m so miserable, but i don’t know any way to make it better.

4:47 am – i can’t sleep. my usual sedative of crying isn’t helping. in fact, it’s probably making it worse. every time i think of anything that’s happened in the past, i break down. i wish this didn’t hurt so much. i wish i hadn’t become so involved. that’s a lie. i really wish that he could become smitten with me again. oh thank god. an outlet.

5:10 am – i write these entries as if the blame is entirely on him and it’s not. i know it may come off that way, but i don’t mean it to. it’s not his fault by any means. it’s just that when i see something slipping away, i push. i push it away because i’m the girl that doesn’t need anyone, anything, or any help. but that’s not me.

the truth is, i’ve become so dependent on him for my happiness, that any time that i’m miserable and he’s not right there, it becomes his fault. and i don’t mean it to, it’s just that with the situation that we’ve been in, everything comes down to what i’ve lost. so it goes back to realizing what i’m losing and the pushing starts. i also have a short temper, which doesn’t help matters.

the point is, here it comes off as though i blame him, when in my head i’m actually hurting and beating myself up for what i’ve done and losing what i had. i think it comes out that way because i don’t write out every connecting thought. -i- know how it all fits, but to everyone else it looks very different.

i’m sorry and these things always turn out this way, and it was exactly the option that i had clearly in my head. i just needed someone. i need to talk and cry and let it all out in a nonsensical rant/discussion. it’s been building up for a while and i think i need to let it go.