Dec 3
where does it go all the light that we had?
i hate trying to stumble around in the dark.
my day was crappy and exhausting thanks to family drama, physical pain and mall bitches. i’m tired, but i don’t want to sleep and i don’t know why. it’s different than my usual lack of willingness to sleep. i also kind of want to sleep because there’s nothing else i want to do. i hate sleeping at this certain time. i never sleep well for the whole duration. it’s like i’m always up and my body/brain is constantly checking the time to see if i’m still okay. i sleep unusually still too. it really shows the power of the mind.
i hate family. it’s so needlessly complicated. i’m glad i’m not directly involved, but other people would disagree. in my mind i’m not involved. i don’t let it bother me or stress me out. it’s just too dumb to bother. it’s always around holidays and birthdays when things get tense. why does everything have to be about winning? why does appreciation have to be shown through gifts, or constant connection? while talking to my mom about all this, i realized that i might be too needy. i’m hoping that it’s just been for the past couple of weeks. most of the time i don’t say as much as i think. it’s been tough trying to balance and keeping myself level-headed through this. emotions are a necessary evil. i don’t intend to want so much. i don’t think i do on a regular basis. by that i mean it didn’t feel like this before. i think it’s just been bad timing. i’ve had a really shitty week, but so have other people.
i have to stay up for another hour or so. that blows. i’m going to be working every weekend starting next saturday. i’m so glad. i’m worried about how this will affect things, but hopefully this will be a reasonably good time to start this schedule.
i think i have to stop caring so much. i don’t know what i have to do. i don’t know if there’s anything i can do.
4 comments4 Comments so far
dear whitney…take this as u wish:
the only way you will stop dwelling on all this useless shit is if you get a life. go out and DO SOMETHING. Get a job, make friends. Stop being so overly contemplative. It’s harmful.
(and im not saying the family thing is useless, i dont know what it is, but im referring to other things)
maybe you missed the part where i said i was starting work next week. and thanks for calling my life useless.
not everyone can just hide behind jobs, school and drugs, paula. i do things every day. i don’t write about them because i don’t need to write about how i went shopping or that i watched tv or talked to this person etc.
if you have such a problem with my comtemplations, don’t read them. i know you may just be trying to help, but i don’t know how many times i have to tell you that i’m not -you-. my mind doesn’t become distracted from my life while i’m working, out with people etc.
what exactly were you talking about with me dwelling on things anyway? and who are you to call it useless? we’ve done this dance before, and i believe it came to the same conclusion. you think you know, but you have no idea.
The only thing I always have a problem with is your tact paula. You seem to lack it.. i dont know if you think you are writing in a non-offensive nature or not, but i assure you every time i come on here to tell you that you’ve overstepped your bounds it’s because what you write is horribly presumptuous and offensive.. its something i would expect an ENEMY of whitney to write, not a friend who is trying to help… thats why i tend to straggle in and say “shut up”. Discretion and Tact are skills that she seems to have that you dont, yet she wont lord them over you telling you how useless you are at them.. because that would be mean… see where im going with this?
Your crazy powla, she just needs to get laid and from the sound of it so do you.