obliviously obvious

sometimes, i really hate the internet.

i hate waiting for something that could be solved so easily and i hate doing things like this online. i can’t type/write my responses fast enough and there are so many side things that it’s impossible to say everything that’s needed to be said. not to mention the time wasted on countering arguments that wouldn’t occur if done in person.

yes, this was an isolated event. yes, i do have a problem with it, but like i said it’s mine to deal with. i think i’ve been doing pretty damn well lately. this cannot be compared to summer of last year because that dealt with my birthday and not being nineteen, thus it was a completely different matter. also, this was isolated due to the fact that i hadn’t had a pill in i don’t know how long. considering how bad i was feeling, nothing i said was that bad. it was bad timing and misunderstandings, which there will only be more of if this is continued to be dealt with online. also, it’ll take a hell of a lot longer. if i had been called today (monday) at any point, like i so kindly asked, it could have been over with in a matter of minutes.

i never wanted to argue. i still don’t. it’s not fair that i have to suffer more because of this. i’m the one that suffered in the first place and i’m still suffering. it wouldn’t be so bad if i thought this bothered him as much as me, but i highly doubt it. i won’t be able to sleep because of this. the next two days will seem like an eternity. and for what? some dumb text messages that were taken the wrong way due to guilt, depression and bad timing.

anyway, i’m off to cry and try to sleep. i wish i didn’t feel like crying but it’s been something of the norm these last few days. hooray.

i’m really hating myself at the moment. i’ve never felt so disgusting, ugly and fat before. the disgusting refers to myself as a human being, not physically. how and why have thing things gotten so bad all of a sudden? i write this for confusion and logging purposes only, never for sympathy or pity. not that i expect either, i’m just making it clear why i write these things.

damn streaming media on winamp.

it’s like i’ve reverted to a year ago. all my insecurities, complexes and anxieties are now bigger and more apparent than ever.

argh. this is ridiculous.

i was considering going off my meds after this last refill, but after tonight’s fiasco i’ve come to the conclusion that that’s a bad idea. i’m so angry, upset, confused and frustrated right now that i don’t know what to do. i’m also really tired. i just want to cry but my dad is right here because he insists on playing doom because he sucks so bad at it. the longer i wait, the harder it is for me to get it out, and i really need to. i also really need to clean my room and do laundry, but i haven’t felt like doing that either. now, google isn’t working. hooray. what a terrific night i’m having. it’s not even that bad, it just feels that bad probably because i haven’t taken my pill in a while. the closest thing i can compare it to is pms, so only half of you are going to semi understand the lack of control and seeming intensity of what i’m feeling. i think i’m just too tired now to even feel that. i’ve also been taken out of a very bad environment for amplifying those feelings. when i was at work, i could not keep my composure. i had tears rolling down my face as i was serving people.

the one thing that sort of started this snowball (aside from lack of meds) doesn’t even bother me now. again, it was amplified by the fact that i was at that stupid club doing stupid things for people that i hate and i really didn’t want to be there at all. i can’t believe how little i care now. i’m trying so hard to feel the anger and hatred i felt while i was at work, and i can’t. it’s almost funny because it bothered me before work, i couldn’t stand it at work, and now i don’t give a shit. i wish it bothered me still so i didn’t feel like such a crazy fuck.

fuck, i’m just fucking nuts. i’m at the point right now where i just don’t care. if jeff said to me right now, i want to break up, i’d say sure. i’d be like, ok fine, whatever.

i’m exhausted. crying does that. maybe that’s why i don’t care, too. tonight was such a waste of so many things.

2:58 am – i now can understand why it bugged me so much, but i still don’t feel as bad as i did when i was at work.

i have the most fucked up sleep pattern right now. today i woke up at around 10am and stayed up feeling perfectly fine. at 7pm or so, i got really tired, so i thought i’d just lay in bed for a while and see how it went. food arrived at 8ish and i had every intention of dragging my ass out of bed so i could eat something. instead, i fell asleep until now. more than likely, i’ll end up doing the exact same thing as yesterday. hooray. i’m going to eat my food now and hopefully, somehow, that’ll put me to sleep. i know it won’t, but it never stops me from trying.

i also woke up to discover some bad news, so that won’t help me sleep either. the news itself was bad enough, but the resulting actions caused by it is what bothers me more. hmm, now that i think about, maybe not.

anyway, time to eat and contemplate my hatred. i really do try not to, and i remember a time when it didn’t bother me in the slightest, but then again, things were different. nothing extremely undeserved was being handed out. *sigh* i hate feeling this when i want to sleep. i’m not going to be able to sleep now. and there’s nothing i can do to occupy myself. my addiction (which really isn’t one anymore) isn’t entertaining enough at the moment. blah. food it is.

i’m tired and in a bad mood, so now i can’t sleep. i can’t sleep when i feel like things aren’t ‘right’. plus, i haven’t had an enjoyable, feel-good dream in ages. the ones i just had involved me in the cast of satc, but we had to go on a killing rampage. this was most likely due to the fact that my dad (the fucking asshole) was/is playing doom in the background. also, my cell phone bill wasn’t paid (nothing to do with me) so that kind of started the chain of pissyness, along with tiredness. hopefully, seeing my wonderful boyfriend at a quick trip to tim horton’s will cheer me up. now to make me not look like crap. possible right now? i’m not sure.

3:21 am – it did cheer me up and i feel a lot better now. (insert gay text smiley face)