hooray for free shirts! i should really clean my room so i can find my camera usb cord.

update – woo again! i have access to all my files again! i love the internet and my ability to search for things successfully.

early in the morning – ‘i have a canker sore on my lip and i keep poking at it with my tongue, but that’s only making it worse.’ where’s the anbesol when i need it?

i really have to start eating better/eating. i haven’t eaten anything since noon and it was just four pancakes. they were really good though. i think i’m going to go back to the routine i had eighteen months ago. then i’ll be in shape and thinner by my birthday, probably. i suppose the goal could be jeff’s big bash, but that gives me less than a month. oh well, i guess i’ll just have to really push myself. the only thing i’ll change is i won’t be on a 1200 calories a day diet. or maybe i should do that just so i get the right amount of calories. i really doubt if i’m getting that many at the moment. i should probably go for the whole thing again. okay, sleep or eat? eat then sleep.

i’ve been having a really hard time sleeping for the past couple of weeks. i went to bed at 3:00 a.m. and fully expected to be completely out of it until 3:00 p.m. i was exhausted and was actually sleeping at a party only a few hours prior to finally getting to bed. nonetheless, i woke up at 6:00 and was unable to fall asleep again. after an hour, i felt like ass. so, i took two aspirin (to dull the pain and hopefully put me to sleep) and gamed for a bit. i think i missed my window because as tired as my body is right now, i don’t think i can shut my brain off. i’m so tired that my stomach hurts and i can barely keep my eyes open. and i’m yawning every three minutes or less. i’ll try again after i finish this.

yeah, went to a party last night in hamilton. on the way there, my stomach started acting up. it felt like a mix of a regular stomach ache and cramps. i still don’t know whether it was cramps or not, but i really didn’t feel like drinking or walking around or anything that involved not sitting. so i parked myself in front of the tv and occasionally closed my eyes to rest. i felt bad not making an effort, but i really did feel sick. i wasn’t going to throw up or anything, but i didn’t have the energy to put enthusiasm into meeting people. despite my anti-social demeanor, quite a few people came up and talked to me. they offered to get me a drink and asked how i was etc. i had a good time even though i didn’t really do anything.

it’s funny when you hear things that you’re not supposed to. this guy at the party wanted to talk to me, but he didn’t. so he sits diagonally across from me in front of the tv. he’s sitting there for like twenty minutes talking to other people and watching tv, but occasionally looking at me. i didn’t look at him once because i knew that’s what he was waiting for. i just laughed in my head because it was so obvious. another ten minutes go by and the host of the party walks past. the ‘interested’ (for lack of a better term) guy is talking to someone else about me and that guy says ‘just go talk to her,’ and then i.g says he can’t just do that, so he asks the host who i am. he answers and then i.g asks if i have a boyfriend and i do, so then he just sits down again and jeff showed up. yeah, pretty inconsequential, but it was entertaining to me for forty minutes. it would’ve been funnier if he was a big douchebag, but he seemed nice enough. asking if i have a boyfriend first is a pretty stand-up thing to do. well, it also means he doesn’t have to waste his time, but at least he didn’t try anyway. pull the line of ‘oh come on, your boyfriend doesn’t have to know.’ right . . . that’s what i’ve been waiting for. because clearly the problem was that i thought my boyfriend had to find out. thanks for clearing that up. i can’t believe i’ve had that said to me.

anyway, i think i’m just randomly typing things now due to tiredness. i should sleep.

p.s. it’s been two years since i started this blog. if you’re really really bored (as i am a lot of times) it’s kind of fun to go back to my earlier posts and see the changing of my writing style as well as my life.

i really should know better by now. i went through the collection of songs i’ve written over the years. most of them are still workable, or they would be if i hadn’t completely forgotten the melodies and also never written them down anywhere!

it’s not like i don’t have the means to do so. i have a keyboard and a guitar, so i can easily sing the notes and see what they are via those devices. i know musical notation and at least grade two theory and even if i didn’t, i could still just write down b, g, c etc. for the notes. nope. i have to go and convince myself, every time mind you, that ‘i’ll remember this one.’ off the top of my head without going through them again, i remember three of them, if that. i’m fairly certain a lot of them were works in progress and didn’t have a set melody, but that’s no excuse for the rest of them. when will i learn? it’s not like i’ve had an abundance of opportunities lately to correct this error, it’s just that i should know by now.

it also slightly bothers me that my work that’s supposed to mean something to me, obviously doesn’t have much of an affect on my musical emotions. this is probably linked more to lack of experience than lack of passion, but still.

i had a dream that i thought would make a good screenplay. it’s pretty typical in it’s plot, but it’s got a few surprises thrown in. i haven’t started or even expanded on the idea, so i don’t know if it will happen. i could always just go back to my book . . .

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

i can’t wait until none of this matters and there is no more connection at all!

and while i’m on the subject, remember this post i made a long time ago that featured a pandora link? well, it’s blown up and everyone loves it. i’d just like to point out that i knew about it before the big craze because it pisses me off when people assume that i’m just jumping on the bandwagon. i jump off the bandwagon more than anything, before it gets full of retards.

for the last little while i’d been in a funk. little things were getting on my nerves and i was taking things out of perspective. now, i’m fully happy again. good old leg wrap around. i enjoyed that more than i should’ve.

i’ll still revel in my happiness, even if i shouldn’t. i’m also not going to be so scared to just say or ask for things. i wanted to say something a couple of nights ago, but i couldn’t because i knew that i’d start crying about it. it sounds worse than it is. i’ll explain it later, maybe.

anyway, the point is that i’m happy again. i really like being happy.