i was listening to someone explain how cold turkey is always the best way to quit things. i didn’t agree before, but now i do. when you slowly ease off, it’s too easy to just go back to the way things were. it’s too easy to just hang on. it has to be all or nothing. i’ve never felt this happy and secure before. being happy is so great. if you’ve never been truly happy, even for a moment, you haven’t really lived.
it’s going to be a hard two weeks. the first will be especially hard. i’ll miss everything, but it’s always the little things that get you. like how good he smells. or his hair, or the way he’ll look at me. aww, so great. one day, it’ll happen again. that will be one of the happiest days of my life.
i’m so glad i took this turn. it’s really made my life a lot better. and i hope it’s made things with other people better too. i want my relationships to last for a lifetime.
i’ve decided that i’m going to work my ass off for the next two weeks. when jeff gets back, i’ll look so hot he’ll never want to leave again. ha ha ha. i wish i could do that. anyway, that’s enough randomness.
update – nothing has made me want to have children more than seeing gwen and gavin with their baby. i know it sounds like a really stupid reason to want kids, but they seem so happy. i’ve always loved those two together. i’ve followed their relationship and careers from the very beginning. if it wasn’t so crazy to say so, i’d say i feel like i know them and they’re friends almost. i just appreciate how long they’ve been together and all the hurdles their relationship has had to overcome, yet they’re still together. they didn’t rush things. they perservered and now they’re living the lives they deserve. i think i’m a lot like gwen in the way that i hope kids will save me from my vanity. if i could have a life like that (not to those extremes, but comfortable enough) i’d have kids in a heartbeat. i just want to feel like i’ve lived my life first. that’s why i can’t say someday yet. too much has to happen for me first. i better get a move on. i’ve already used twenty years.
so, i guess i’m twenty now. i spent tonight watching jeff play amazing hockey. he blew me away. he’s so damn good. i’m so happy that i went and got to see him play. i’m just so happy.
in light of all this happiness and changing, i think i want to give this up. i might keep it around, but have it on private view just so that my far away friends can keep up to date. i just feel like i’ve outgrown it, or got sick of it, or something.
i guess this is my last entry. that’s it. done.
i was exhausted and wanted sleep so very badly. so why can’t i sleep now? it’s probably my hormones being all screwed up. i think i might go to the doctors this week and get some blood tests done. i’m going to go back to bed and try to sleep again.
update – i love how fast my body takes to things. i’ve only been working out for a week and somehow i’m actually thinner. i haven’t even been going crazy hard. i really should be more appreciative of my body.
but i’m -his- ridiculous. i’m very happy right now. i’m glad i said what i needed to say. i think i’m on my way to being a truly happy person and a truly functional person. i’m so lucky.
i’ve never been so happy about this in my life! i hope so badly i can go back to normal and not start crying when i just -think- about the sentence i want to form. i just want to feel normal again.