obliviously obvious

i didn’t do any cardio yesterday because i just felt too exhausted. my eyes were all swollen and sore. i’ll blame the pool . . . today i’ll do at least two hours or 600 calories, whichever comes first. i’m not insane, well i am but not for exercise, so i’m not doing it all at once. i’ll do two sessions, maybe three, depending on how early or late i wake up.

i’m looking forward to the party tomorrow. i’ll get to see two friends of mine i haven’t seen in forever. it’s going to be so great. i kind of want to show up early and help jeff set up. i don’t know why. i guess i kind of feel like it’s my party too. i have no reason to, i just do.

is it really my birthday in three days? i’m so torn. i think i’ve accomplished more emotionally and mentally than most twenty year olds, but i’ve also neglected any other experiences. not completely, but enough so that i’m far behind everyone else. i’m only twenty, not even so yet. i guess it’s because when you take a break, everyone expects you to ‘come back’ with all the answers and knowledge of exactly what you’re going to do with your life. it’s not like that at all. the only reason you start up again is because of the pressure, both outer and inner, and you’re just as indecisive and self-conscious as you were to start with. i feel there’s more expected from me now than someone who just goes into something, not knowing anything, and then leaves halfway through. yes, i’m aware that everyone has the problem of not knowing what they’re doing, and i’m not saying i’m special. i’m just saying what i feel. this is just my journal that i let people read.

i guess i should go to sleep now.