obliviously obvious

i didn’t do any cardio yesterday because i just felt too exhausted. my eyes were all swollen and sore. i’ll blame the pool . . . today i’ll do at least two hours or 600 calories, whichever comes first. i’m not insane, well i am but not for exercise, so i’m not doing it all at once. i’ll do two sessions, maybe three, depending on how early or late i wake up.

i’m looking forward to the party tomorrow. i’ll get to see two friends of mine i haven’t seen in forever. it’s going to be so great. i kind of want to show up early and help jeff set up. i don’t know why. i guess i kind of feel like it’s my party too. i have no reason to, i just do.

is it really my birthday in three days? i’m so torn. i think i’ve accomplished more emotionally and mentally than most twenty year olds, but i’ve also neglected any other experiences. not completely, but enough so that i’m far behind everyone else. i’m only twenty, not even so yet. i guess it’s because when you take a break, everyone expects you to ‘come back’ with all the answers and knowledge of exactly what you’re going to do with your life. it’s not like that at all. the only reason you start up again is because of the pressure, both outer and inner, and you’re just as indecisive and self-conscious as you were to start with. i feel there’s more expected from me now than someone who just goes into something, not knowing anything, and then leaves halfway through. yes, i’m aware that everyone has the problem of not knowing what they’re doing, and i’m not saying i’m special. i’m just saying what i feel. this is just my journal that i let people read.

i guess i should go to sleep now.

i always have a hard time deciding what to wear and how to have my make-up. not only because i like to be different, but because i like so many different looks. i like the punky thing, the casual/surfer look, the formal shorts/dressy look, bold prints, bright colours, all white, gothy/victorian and so on. and i personally think that none of them are more ‘me’ than others. i also prefer for my style to look good rather than my clothes. anyone can buy good clothes and look good in them, but it says something when you actually have an outfit put together.

i’m really stuck on how to have my make-up on saturday. i think i’ve pinned it to two different looks, and considering pool/hot-tub, i think i’ll go for the natural sunkissed thing.

now i’ve made myself sick of thinking about this.

11:36 – i’m hoping it will be sunday. sunday or later would be great. from now to sunday is bad. very bad. please, please, please don’t let it be then!

i don’t know if i can do this anymore.

i’m going to cause exactly what i don’t want.

update – i think it’s time for a change. a real, down and out, rewiring change. i think, and hope, that i can’t cry anymore.

the weather network said there was going to be a huge thunderstorm this afternoon. it’s been sunny and warm all day. well, maybe not uber sunny, but definitely not cloudy enough for thunderstorms.

why did my body wake me up this early? it’s not like i went to bed super early or anything. i was probably asleep by two, so that’s only four hours of sleep. maybe it’s because i have to eat. i would eat more if i actually had food to eat in my house. if i stay awake and eat something, i’ll nap and then i’ll screw up my whole cycle again. i’m yawning and my body’s tired, so what’s the deal? damn this accursed brain and it’s need for stimulation. shouldn’t it know better? shouldn’t it be telling my body, ‘ hey, you need rest. feel tired now.’ i guess it is, but it’s keeping itself awake. i’m going to workout and then see if that does anything to improve my tiredness. *crosses fingers*

update – i think i might be just tired enough to go back to sleep.

update – angelina jolie’s boobs are massive now that she’s had a baby. she should keep a little of the weight. she was too skinny before.

i’ve been so tired all day. at least i got some kick-ass dreams out of my nap. if only they came true. part of it was that edmonton won. i think it was 3 something.

i have a feeling that something happened today that i don’t like, but i can’t verify it without sounding completely obsessed. it’s just one of those things that i know would happen because it would piss me off.

i love no doubt and gwen’s ability to pinpoint exactly how i feel in lyric form.

i need a new swimsuit, but i don’t have any money since i haven’t worked in two months. also, i hate shopping for swimsuits in general. they’re too expensive for what they are. it’s hard to find a nice, relatively cheap, mix and match bikini. it has to be mix and match, or just a very good fit, because the top is a different size to the bottom. i got lucky with one last year, but the other one i got is too small on the top now. it was just a teeny bit small when i bought it, but now it’s practically unwearable. i think i’ll get one of those nice one pieces with the cutouts. or a ‘monokini’ as they like to call them.

update – it always amazes me how red my hair looks in pictures.

update – wow. a week until i’m twenty.