i can’t stand this stillness. i can’t stand this silence. i have so much to say, but i’m not in a place to say it. if it doesn’t end now, it’ll start all over again, with things going unsaid until it reaches an inevitable bevy of apologies and actions which shouldn’t have happened.

it’s not my choice. it hasn’t been for a long time. i’ve always questioned why because i can’t feel it anymore. it was always on my end. i knew that. i can’t read minds. i have to be told things. everyone thinks they know. why go to anyone but me? why? no one knows me like you. why go to someone else? why go to someone who knows nothing about the situation? i don’t understand.

i should’ve said what i wanted to say a month ago. quite frankly, i was sick of always giving it. it didn’t make it less true, but it made it that much more difficult to say because i always feel like it means nothing. no matter what i say, it’s like i can’t get in. i only seem to reach you through pain.

maybe it’s time to just call it.

forgive me for my obsession, but this fantasy’s all i have. it’s the only thing that’s real to me. it’s the only thing i know for sure. i deserve nothing more.

i go upstairs for four minutes and i miss my chance to find out what the hell is going on. i really don’t feel like going to black creek pioneer village tomorrow. i really don’t want to go.

after seeing pictures of me that were taken today, i know for sure that i desperately need to lose weight.

p.s. i miss my jeff.

i can feel it edging in. it’s like having the word on the tip of my tongue. it’s slowly coming around again. i’m beginning to get my light back.

these arrived today. now it’s just a matter of time.