god, i just want to go back. i’ve sung this song before. i know i don’t deserve it, but anything else is just too painful. i’m having a hard time being excited about the incubus concert because i’ve left my fantasy world. it’s almost as though i’ve supersaturated myself with incubus stuff. i almost don’t care and just want to get it over with. all of it still isn’t good enough. it’s not what i crave.

*sigh* i’m just fucking insane. i don’t want to wait because it’s too painful, but i can’t let go for the same reason. this is why someone else has to know. ugh, too many things to consider. i hate it all. what else to write? i still love. i still care. the fact that it doesn’t matter anymore, no one cares, is what i have to get over. the hurt hurts the most.

i tried real hard and i got what i wanted; validation that i suck as a person. i’m good at making people hate me.

“we’re damaged goods baby,” if only i had really read that letter. reading comprehension is good. i only hope she’s as right about the other things. here’s hoping.

ow. i didn’t think it would hurt that much, but i’m winded. i feel like i’m going to faint. i can’t think about anything else now. ow, that really fucking hurt. now i feel like i’m going to be sick. i want to cry, but i can’t because i’m in class. i guess i could, but that wouldn’t lead to very good things.

update – i might have overreacted a tad. it’s really not that big of a deal, i just wasn’t expecting it. it makes me wonder though. no, it still hurts.

honestly, what the fuck is post-hardcore?

so i finally went and got my hair done. it’s now much darker and doesn’t look like shit and is only one colour. it’s a bit dark for my taste, but it does make me look thinner, so that’s a plus. i got quite a lot cut off, but i still maintained quite a bit of length, which i’m happy about. i’ll probably post a picture or two tomorrow when i don’t look like ass.

there are only nine more days until the best day of my life. i sure hope it isn’t cold. or maybe it will be really cold and then they’ll feel sorry for me, so they’ll let me in the venue and just hang out. that would be awesome. you’d have no idea how many times crazy thoughts like those have come true. more times than you’d think to be fair.

random: because i love them so much right now i uploaded this song because i love it and i have to share agent sparks love. it also features mike einziger and sam farrar. it was done for the a santa cause 2: it’s a punk rock christmas album. if you listen to nothing else by them, at least listen to this.

i’m sad, dizzy and overheated. maybe it’s because i didn’t take my pill today. given the time, i won’t take it until i wake up. i feel like there’s a huge emptiness that i have to fill. it’s all my obsessive compulsive habits mixed with my loneliness. it creates this unstoppable need to know everything, or to connect with someone and just be. i need a moment of clarity/connection. i miss those times at random parties when i’d have open conversations with people i’d never met before or hadn’t talked to in a really long time and just connected in an honest, human level. i crave that right now. i hope i can get it soon, even just a glimpse of it. a glimpse of it on that day would just about do me in.

i miss us. i don’t know what i’m going to do after the fourth. i’ll have nothing to base my life around. i guess there’ll be memories, but they’re fleeting. i need substance; a new obsession? ugh, how sad. again, the questions come pouring in.

i still haven’t even begun to try to think about writing. i’m terrible. with me every thing’s either terrible or awesome. ow, mi estómago. i should eat something. i didn’t even realize how long ago i’d heard of plain white t’s. i think they made up a word in harvey birdman. too bad, i liked it. my leg hurts.

okay, enough randomness. time to eat? . . .