obliviously obvious

everyone always says remember the happy moments. be glad that you experienced love and happiness with the person. blah blah blah. well, whenever i do it hurts even more because i remember what i gave up. every wonderful, sweet memory stings like a slap in the face. maybe even more so because i’d convinced myself that we’d get through this and rebound being happier and stronger than ever.

i still haven’t fully processed it yet. every thought, every action, every thing is based on or directly connected to the past three and a half years. the music i listen to, the items in my room, my jewelry, my clothes, the games i play, the things i say. every single thing.

most of all, i miss him. i want to talk to him so badly but i no longer hold that spot. i no longer take any precedence in his life, yet he still means so much to me. i wish i could just shut it all out. it hurts more that i think he’s dealing with it better than me. that’s not fair, but i know he hasn’t spent days crying about it. and now to be fair: he deals with things differently. i think about things constantly; he doesn’t. i can’t focus on anything.

sometimes i don’t even know exactly why i’m crying. it’s like the pain is so deep, i can’t locate the source. he made me a tiger out of a coffee cup for god’s sake! how could i do what i did to someone who does that? it hurts me to know that i’ve become one of the many people to let him down. i can never be in that good place again. it also hurts to know that i’m entirely to blame for this. it’s all my fault. yes, we were semi-drifting apart beforehand, but that was fixable. a happy ending was in sight before i permanently ruined it. and even if it wasn’t, that route of eventually finding out we can’t do it together is a hell of a lot better than me hurting the most important person to me.

it’s funny how when you can’t change things, all the bad things don’t matter. i’m such a stupid bitch. but this is the way it has to be. fantasy world, here i come. it really is all i have left now.

p.s. if you don’t want to read anything like this, don’t check my site for the next couple months. this is all it’s going to be.

i’ve reached over 500 posts. . . . yay.

things will never be the same. how do i stop caring after three and a half years? this is too hard. it’s like losing my other fucking half. it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. it wasn’t supposed to happen this way at all. after all the stupid things i’d done he still cared. i was -his- ridiculous.

FUCK!

i don’t have the emotional strength to remove pictures and such, but every time i see them i cry. every thing in my life is connected to that man. how can i possibly move on? what do i do?

p.s. it’s unfair, but i wish nothing but pain upon her. i’m a cruel bitch that doesn’t deserve happiness. so i hope to spread my misery to others who deserve it.

the hatred is overwhelming. i’m actually finding myself disgusted.

this is the first time in a long time when i’ve felt tired enough to just pass out. i’ll test the theory and see the outcome. mm, sleep.

why is it hurting so much right now? i want to beg, cry and plead to go back to what it was. it won’t change a thing. it won’t stop.

p.s. crying with waterproof mascara on hurts much more than with regular mascara.

this is the point where i’d see someone and i’d balance out. i no longer have that luxury, so i’m much more insane than usual. i’m also bitchy, irritable, short-tempered and miserable. it is not a good time for me. i can’t stop caring, but i’m scared that it’s more in the possessive sense than it should be. just another confusion to go in with the bundle.

i think i’ll go with my cure all of singing tomorrow. if i don’t, i’m really going to tear a strip off somebody. i’m supposed to be having a meeting tomorrow too. i better sing before it otherwise i might blow the deal.

i wish i knew what was happening right now. i certainly hope it’s close to what happened last time. why do i hate that fact so much? because it was half true and even more of a threat now despite the current circumstances of the other side. this is killing me.

oh god . . . it’s really over.

i’m so hungry and people around me are eating. it smells really good.

the job search is still on. i’ll call places today and head out tomorrow or sunday.

i have so much homework due for one class, but it’s the monotonous, redundant stuff that will drive me nuts. i’m not looking forward to it. it’s all on office and i’m sick of powerpoint. it’s the worst thing to ever be invented. what’s wrong with chart paper, handouts and projector sheets? i need to get drunk or high. not both. that didn’t work out too well last time. i guess it was mostly just the amount i drank, but the high really helped me not realize what i was doing.

i’m excited for the upcoming week, but i shouldn’t be since nothing is the same.

in my entire life, i’ve never wanted to go back in time so badly. to relive all the good stuff and truly enjoy it. i can never appreciate the now when it’s happening. that’s not entirely true. i’ve had many happy moments. i suppose i just want to be in them again.

the fantasy i was living in came crashing down yet again. i’ve been slowly drifting away from it anyway. i’ve been living in reality and realizing what i had and it kills me everyday. i don’t know how to stop. there are some people that just don’t leave that place in your heart. i feel like such a hypocrite writing that because i certainly didn’t act like it. i should stop.