obliviously obvious

everyone always says remember the happy moments. be glad that you experienced love and happiness with the person. blah blah blah. well, whenever i do it hurts even more because i remember what i gave up. every wonderful, sweet memory stings like a slap in the face. maybe even more so because i’d convinced myself that we’d get through this and rebound being happier and stronger than ever.

i still haven’t fully processed it yet. every thought, every action, every thing is based on or directly connected to the past three and a half years. the music i listen to, the items in my room, my jewelry, my clothes, the games i play, the things i say. every single thing.

most of all, i miss him. i want to talk to him so badly but i no longer hold that spot. i no longer take any precedence in his life, yet he still means so much to me. i wish i could just shut it all out. it hurts more that i think he’s dealing with it better than me. that’s not fair, but i know he hasn’t spent days crying about it. and now to be fair: he deals with things differently. i think about things constantly; he doesn’t. i can’t focus on anything.

sometimes i don’t even know exactly why i’m crying. it’s like the pain is so deep, i can’t locate the source. he made me a tiger out of a coffee cup for god’s sake! how could i do what i did to someone who does that? it hurts me to know that i’ve become one of the many people to let him down. i can never be in that good place again. it also hurts to know that i’m entirely to blame for this. it’s all my fault. yes, we were semi-drifting apart beforehand, but that was fixable. a happy ending was in sight before i permanently ruined it. and even if it wasn’t, that route of eventually finding out we can’t do it together is a hell of a lot better than me hurting the most important person to me.

it’s funny how when you can’t change things, all the bad things don’t matter. i’m such a stupid bitch. but this is the way it has to be. fantasy world, here i come. it really is all i have left now.

p.s. if you don’t want to read anything like this, don’t check my site for the next couple months. this is all it’s going to be.