i’m no longer pissed off at everything. i am still confused and disillusioned. maybe i will have a rebound relationship. actually pick someone who i know i won’t fall in love with, but completely adores me. it’s not mean if they know what i’m doing and they don’t care. that’s a little far fetched, so maybe i’ll just stick to my wonderful fantasy. i wish i could fall as hard as i did in november.

i can’t seem to get that feeling back. the fake is so obvious in comparison to the real. to think, i couldn’t shed a tear based on my current problems because i was so preoccupied with the impossible. the amount of clarity that comes with hindsight amazes me. i still kind of believe everything i said then, but it’s not so frenzied, so chaotically focused.

i’m definitely going for the other fantasy that scared me a little bit when i thought it could be happening. love isn’t easy and it’s far from perfect. what i had was worth all of it. it’s worth what i’m going through right now.

i need money. i’ve been handing/sending out resumes like crazy, so hopefully something will materialize from that. in spite of my lack of money, i still want to go out. anyone doing anything soon?

bed now, i suppose, to wake up for lunch.

everything. but as if to answer my question and laugh in my face about it, life has decided to make my audio drivers stop working. well, that was weird. now they’re fine.

is it possible that i’m only just beginning to go through the anger stage now? no, i’d wager it’s wonderful pms. this is the same feeling i’d get when i was still with the guy. how can he still have this kind of control? this is not cool.

fuck benny goodman. learning about dead people is not going to help me promote a band. sorry if this is too random, i haven’t exactly been in a linear head space as of late.

i spent my weekend trying to control my endless sobbing. every single thing made me cry. i watched ‘my best friend’s wedding’ and i cried at everything. i watched ’shallow hal’ and i cried at that too. yeah, see? totally crazy! then i listened to imogen heap songs on repeat. they made me cry. i saw some pictures that made me cry. even watching something that i’m not going to name made me cry. it’s not usually the type of media that makes one cry, but i did.

at the moment, i think i’m all cried out. i’m definitely in more of a pissed off mood. only talk to me while drunk eh? well fuck you. my dreams don’t help. they only enhance my fears and make me live scenarios in which i’m livid. i also have to do a stupid project that is so frustratingly boring! i don’t care one bit. i cannot wait for the break at the end of april. i need that week off so badly.

i’m kind of liking this whole anger thing. it helps me not want him. it reminds me of all the things that drove me nuts when we were together. i’m almost back to how i felt when i was on the fence about breaking it off. all the sappy, romantic, loving, good memories mean shit to me right now. wow, i am seriously messed. not twelve hours ago i was barely able to stop myself from crying at just the thought of jeff. now i feel nothing.

okay, i’m going to sleep and i’ll probably have some heart wrenching dream that’ll make me desperate to be with him again. oy.

update – now i know what’s wrong. but i don’t want to say it because then that would only validate it and make it worse. i hate emotions.

the more time passes, the more i want to be with him. isn’t it supposed to work the opposite way? aren’t i supposed to be seeing the ‘good’ side of things? yeah, i’ve thought that now i’m ‘free’ i can just hit on hot guys and have sex whenever i want. i’m not that kind of person though. even if i was, i’d be working against it and wouldn’t want to do it. of course i’ve thought of all the regular escapes: drugs, sex, alcohol. i won’t deny that while i’m doing those things i’ll forget, but i’m certain i’d only hate myself more after the fact. i don’t know what to do to dull this.

i thought i was done crying. i thought wrong. maybe it’s just a bad week. i’ve also been rationing my meds because my doctor isn’t back until the second. bad timing on my part, but considering i’m planning on stopping altogether, i shouldn’t be feeling like this due to lack of (legal) drugs. then there’s always the hormonal approach. i should probably get that tended to so i actually know what’s going on. i’m sure the answer will be to go on birth control. weight gain is something i don’t need right now, even if it was all in my boobs.

i think what i want most (after being with jeff) is unadulterated certainty in my feelings and decisions. something i can never have.

and now my downloads have stopped working for some unknown god forsaken reason. ah fuck it, i’ll just go cry myself to sleep.

there better be a party or something this weekend, because i desperately need to get drunk. or high, but not a laughy goofy high. i need a real, super happy high. a kind of high that makes you feel actually happy not just masks the pain. i think this is what i did last time i went through a break up. it screwed me over pretty well. i couldn’t handle school and my coping mechanism for the pain. i shouldn’t do it again, but i think i can deal this time. plus, i don’t really see any other way. i can’t stand it anymore. it’s starting to make me angry because i want to be with him so much.

i can’t take this! and why isn’t anyone responding to my emails!? i need money and that ps2. i feel like an addict jonesing for my next fix. i can’t have the drug i need, so i’ll just go for what i can get. except it’s real drugs and not other people in place of the person drug. i can’t do that. well, i can i just don’t want to because that would just really destroy me. as if i’m not completely destroyed already.

i need a vacation. i need to get away. i need jeff back.

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

you know that acceptance feeling i had? i was right, it did have to do with lack of sleep and food. it took a couple of meals to go through my system before i started feeling ‘normal’ again.* maybe it was just because it was warmer outside and smelled like him.

everything about this hurts so much. i don’t want to do this anymore. i just want to be with him and be happy. i hate thinking about it all the time. it takes me roughly an hour to get to school on the bus and to get home afterwards. that’s two hours of nothing but sitting alone and thinking about everything that’s happened. when i get off the bus, an hour’s worth of me has died. and the loneliness is unbelievable. and the guilt. as much as i don’t want to hurt him anymore, a part of me does want him to be affected by this. i want it to mean as much to him as it does to me. of course, because i feel this way, guilt comes along with it. this is too damn hard.

i don’t know what i’ll do when the day actually does come. i can’t imagine having a good time because a part of me will be looking for him. i wish i could get drunk and forget all my problems. there are two things wrong with it: 1. i don’t have the money and 2. drinking would probably just make me wallow even more so. i’d be the contemplative, depressed drunk. i’m sure some crying would be involved and anyone who was with me wouldn’t like me from then on in. the only plan i can think that i would enjoy isn’t a good one in the long run. it’s also not fair to either of us. why does my answer seem so easy? why isn’t love enough?

here i am trying to be a better person and be a better friend to someone who completely backstabbed me. i don’t argue that what i did was wrong, but at least have the decency to tell me you’ve decided to ruin my life. i really don’t know if i can ever really forgive her. what she did has no moral reason whatsoever. i’m sure in her twisted head what she did was right, but it’s wrong on as many levels as it was right. last time i checked, a relationship was between two people, not two people and whoever thinks they know what’s best.

i had another dream last night. he was being stubborn and i was mad at him. i was quite mad, but not so mad that i couldn’t see past it. in my dream i had this epiphany of knowing that although i was so mad at him, i still really loved him and i was glad that he was with me. it was one of those moments when you realize that being mad is stupid and it doesn’t really matter anyway. i miss everything about him.

*nothing makes you lose weight quite like the break up diet. it may be the only positive thing right now. it’s the least healthy diet ever (it’s basically anorexia, maybe even bulimia given the right time of day) but it seems to work. i know, i’m going to hell and i’m fucked up in all the right ways.